Do you regret how you raised you children?

amother

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:03 am

I just posted in another forum how DS has shared that we abused him as a child. In today's standards- yes. back then- DH was dumb and I was afraid. Just a psa please love your children. yelling does not work anymore, pulling an arm or face to get their attention is wrong- it's not how it should be done even though it was done that way years ago. Earlier generations seemed to grow up ok with this kind of parenting- maybe it made those adults serving in war more resilient. Now it just messes kids up. And you realize too late and you can't fix it. You live with the guilt and it kills you.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:08 am

It's therapists who tell kids they were abused who mess up kids.

And almost impossible to never make mistakes with kids especially with today's impossible standards.

So every parent is at risk of being labeled
Abusive/neglectful.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:13 am; edited 1 time in total

#BestBubby

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:12 am

It wasn't the war that made kids more resilient.

For thousands of years kids were taught that
Life isn't fair, sticks and stones... ,people aren't perfect.

So kids were not upset when Life isn't fair. Because they were taught that's how it is for everyone and it's not realistic to expect fairness.

Just like we don't get mad when rain ruins our plans because we know that rain is part of life.

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:19 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Can you stop
I know I was abused and no therapist told me that. I've never gone to therapy.

OP there is always something to regret in parenting. Not doing enough, not being enough. Parenting is a learning experience for the parents. Our children teach us how to scrub our midos clean, if we are lucky we do that.
But no one is perfect, we mess up. Sometimes we are at our best and it's so easy to talk. And then those moments that the worst comes out in us. On top of that there's the spouse who has different parenting ideas.

What you can do is apologize sincerely. "I never meant to hurt you, and if I had known how much it would hurt you I never would have done it. I'm sorry."
And show him that you care about him and love him.

contextual

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:23 am

Please know that it's not too late.
We can always learn more and renew our relationships with our children.
Now that you know, you can openly talk about how you wish you'd done things differently and you're learning how to have a more loving relationship with your child.

NechaMom

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:24 am

#BestBubby wrote:

We don’t need a therapist to tell us that pulling an arm or a face to get kids to listen is not the way to parent!

giftedmom

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:38 am

It’s never too late to repair. Any abused child will tell you that. Apologize, acknowledge the pain, and do better. Regret that kills you helps no one. Repeat after me “I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time”. Know better, do better.
I did things to my older ones I’m not proud of. My younger ones have a healthier, more knowledgeable mother. There’s no way I can change the past. I just try to do my best in the here and now.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:42 am

If nearly all parents are guilty of abuse/neglect,

Is it abuse?

Or is it normal imperfect parents whom we are commanded to Honor and Revere?

What about all the millions of good things our parents did for us,
all the hundreds of thousands $$$$ they spent on us?

Do we owe any gratitude or is that all canceled out by a few mistakes?

NechaMom

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:49 am

#BestBubby wrote:

All parents are imperfect. You are referring to healthy parents who are also human.
Can you acknowledge that there are also abusive parents who are in a league of their own? These are 2 completely different subjects.

DreamerForever

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:49 am

#BestBubby wrote:

We can feel gratitude to our parents for bringing us into the world and for whatever they did do to sustain us; while at the same time knowing and acknowledging that they caused us pain, and that much of our struggles today are a consequence of the way they raised us.

Often when we start to heal, we blame less- not more. Delving into our own minds and hearts helps us understand that humans are inherently imperfect, and that our parents could not do better than they did at the time.

Good therapy will be patient focussed- not blame focussed.

amother

Snow

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:54 am

#BestBubby wrote:

I totally agree - it’s impossible to never make mistakes. It is possible to APOLOGIZE for mistakes. It is possible to REALIZE you’re making a mistake. And it’s also totally possible to know that some basics are ABUSE and not “normal mistakes”.

I have never spoken to my therapist about my childhood. From my sessions about general things including ppd and crippling anxiety, I came to realize on my own that the way I was brought up wasn’t normal. My husband also pointed out to me that certain reflexes I had with my own kids were not normal.

I have siblings who suffered much more than I did. I just saw it happen and couldn’t control it which is why I have the need to control now. And no therapist told me that.

My parents love us and always did. However, there were certain situations that they reacted in ways that are not normal. Throwing things at your kid, screaming because a drink spilt, or freaking out at a 3 year old that they threw up on the floor and not in the toilet, those things are NOT normal and no one needs a therapist to tell them that when they get a little older. They just realize it from being out in the world. Or getting married and seeing their spouse/in laws NOT behave in that way.

Growing

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 10:56 am

Yes
I have my regrets
could I have done better? maybe
Did I do almost the best each and every day given the myriad of challenges thrown at me in this glorious existence called life? yes

As did you and almost every other parent

Parenting is so all-encompassing - I can't imagine people not having their regrets - but seriously - don't focus on those

first list everything you did right

amother

Marigold

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 11:13 am

#BestBubby wrote:

As someone who grew up in a family with abuse/neglect, I would say it depends on the frequency, severity, etc....and how it weighs against the millions of good things (or not!) that they did for us.

I mean, it's good my parents brought me into this world, and provided me with a roof over my head. But it is not so good that I saw the belt coming out against my siblings. Not so much myself, because I was scared and usually did whatever they asked. If I was the housekeeper and babysitter and surrogate mother by the time I was 10, does that do anything to counterbalance the good they did for me by bringing me into this world and giving me a roof over my head?

It's not about a few mistakes when we call it abuse. Often it's about many. And extreme.

BTW, therapy helped me heal, and my therapist helped me understand certain things about my parents, and keep my relationship with them (with some boundaries).

amother

Coffee

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 11:21 am

giftedmom wrote:

Regret that kills you helps no one. Repeat after me “I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time”.

Thanks for this. I didn't realize how much guilt I'm filled with mainly for staying too long in an abusive marriage and I'm overfilled with guilt for not giving them a healthy home in the first place, for sometimes having not protected them enough. I see now that each time I say that statement I cry bitterly.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Jul 18 2023, 11:23 am

amother OP wrote:

Does your dh regret it as much as you regret?