S/o $300k CLEANING HELP IS A LUXURY!

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:34 am

I am so ticked off by the recent threads.

Let me shout it from the rooftops: CLEANING HELP IS A LUXURY!

For SAHMs
For WAHMs
For WOHMs

It is a luxury.

It's okay for someone who is deeply in debt to let their help go. Some can afford to hire someone to do their dirty work for them, and some cannot. It's the way of the world.

You can argue that it is necessary for the working mom who is out most of the day, or for the exhausted mom with a large family who can't keep up with the housework, and yes, sometimes (maybe often) it should be given priority on the family budget over other discretionary expenses like expensive clothing, takeout and dry cleaning.

It's important.

It makes mom's life so much easier.

It keeps the household running smoothly.

But so do a lot of other things. Like takeout twice a week, daily outings with friends, luxury vacations whenever the desire to get away from the daily grind arises. But we all understand doing without these things if we can't afford it. So why is it different with cleaning help??

I just don't get people who say it's a need.

Who says a spotless house is a need? Who says it's ok to go into debt so you can go to sleep every night with an immaculate kitchen?

I work. I have a large family. Of course I'd love lots of cleaning help, but I understand that we just can't afford it right now. So we make it work somehow.

For all of you who can afford your help (even if it's a tight squeeze) and love having that help and wouldn't survive without it, I'm thrilled for you. Really.

But for all others, to just hire (expensive!) help as is so often advised on this site when you're already not making it through the month just to make your life easier? How is that okay?

Disclaimer: I am talking about the average mom here. I am NOT talking about anyone who falls under any of these or similar categories: Mom of a SN child who makes cleanup impossible. Mom who has executive functioning issues. Mom who is mentally or physically unwell. Mom who has an absent/dysfunctional husband and needs to play all his roles along with her own. Etc. I know cleaning help can save a home from falling apart under these circumstances, but I'm talking about an average, functioning home.

When did cleaning help become a NEED for every single mom, working or not?

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:39 am

You did put a disclaimer at the end, and I hate to break it to you - but a lot of people fall under the categories you listed.

I'm a mom with executive function issues, and although I am super successful in my work life, I am the worst homemaker known to man.

My family would be considered in the top 1% of dysfunctional families if not for my cleaning help. It is NOT a luxry for a lot of people. Be thankful you can manage without the help, but a lot of people can't.

Just going to add, I have a family member that thinks im spoiled rotten because of all the help I have, she doesn't realize how necessary it is, and as long as she isn't in my shoes she has no right to judge me.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:42 am

for my mental sanity, cleaning help is very important for me.

I want to have a large family and can only swing it with extra cleaning help. I am a perfectionist and need cleanliness in order to function.

Maybe now its making my budget tight, in the long run though I'll be happy I was a calm mother who was able to raise a large family.

I have different things I cut down on that others don't. ( I brought a house 3 yrs ago and didn't furnish my house, no light fixtures etc. and still have paper shades)

amother

Catmint

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:44 am

Because if your house is not spotless, you will be judged.

If there is enough dust in your bathroom, people will be grossed out.

If your kitchen is not immaculate, many will refrain from eating your food.

I have executive functioning issues and no cleaning help. I don't know if my house would be way better if I didn't have those challenges. Running a household nowadays to standards has A LOT of moving pieces. I can't imagine being able to stay on top of all of them.

Dust and grime and mildew and cobwebs are like weeds. You need to be on top of them, and when it's an entire house worth that's a lot.

Even the daily dishes, laundry, cooking, serving, straightening, etc. is a big job. Needing to have a spotless house on top of that makes a cleaning lady much more necessary.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:45 am

amother Babyblue wrote:

Yes, a lot of people fall under those categories. But not everyone does. Again, this is addressed to people who do not.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:47 am

amother Yellow wrote:

If it's making your budget tight but not putting you into debt, this isn't addressed to you.
I'm glad you can make it work.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:48 am

amother Catmint wrote:

Believe me, I know it's a lot. I do it every day. Still doesn't make it a need. Important and super-helpful, yes. A need, no.

amother

Catmint

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 2:54 am

amother OP wrote:

Believe me, I know it's a lot. I do it every day. Still doesn't make it a need. Important and super-helpful, yes. A need, no.

It is a need.

One that I don't have, along with many other needs I don't have.

Not life threatening level, not up there with running water. But a need nonetheless for many.

When a dusty house is dysfunctional, a lot more women will need help to give their children a proper home.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:12 am

genevieve96 wrote:

Can you define a need? Is having fleishig for supper a need? We can totally live on rice and beans. Is a car a need? There’s bikes and walking. Is owning a house a need? My parents are still renting.

A need is anything that is necessary in order to live and function. You can apply that to your entire list.

So again, if you literally cannot function without help for whatever reason such as the ones listed in the op, it becomes a need. If it just makes you calmer and less stressed, sorry but it’s a want, a convenience. Not working and having a nanny would also make most people less stressed…

amother

Butterscotch

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:17 am

I've heard from a therapist, cleaning help should come after bread and water...
I personally don't have help but I like to clean, but many women can't do it all,
and especially if husband is stressed from the mess it's worth cutting down in other areas in order to afford the help. I don't prioritize a spotless house except shabbos, as do friends I know who do have cleaning help.
Maybe some ppls standards are too high but many use it for basic cleaning and its a lifesaver..

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:25 am

genevieve96 wrote:

So if I’m understanding you correctly, what you’re basically saying is that needs are individual to each person and their own unique set of circumstances. So why make an entire post how cleaning help is not a need, with an entire huge list of exceptions?
Ever read Sarah the bucket filler? It’s a great great book. I highly recommend

It’s not my definition, it’s the accepted definition in economics.

And I don’t think my list is all that huge or that the majority of frum women fall under those categories at all times in their lives.

Why did I make this post? Because on this site it’s constantly touted as a need, regardless of circumstance.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 3:27 am

The woman you are probably referencing gave more money to maaser than she spent on cleaning help so I cannot criticize her for taking the cleaning help that she probably needs badly. My guess is her husband has no time to help as he probably works hard to bring home $300K. Cooking, shopping for food, and cleaning up from meals for a family of 9 takes up a lot of time. With 7 children there also are doctor appointments, rides, attention time, baths, etc. taking up lots and lots of time. If I were her I would significantly reduce the tzedakah until I am out of debt and even have an emergency fund of at least 6 months of living expenses. If she were to lose her house because she is overly generous to others she might end up needing tzedakah. Every large family needs some savings. One never knows C"V when a husband or wife gets sick or loses parnassa for other reasons.