I don't want it to be another vent, I need change

amother

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 10:57 am

I need to talk to my husband about the cleaning situation in our house but I don't want it to be another, I am so overwhelmed vent kind of thing, I need some kind of plan of action. I'm asking here so that I discuss this with my husband in a way that expresses my feelings and moves us forward to change. So far all attempts of this have fallen to the wayside.

My husband works full time, I am a SAHM who works very part time freelancing kind of thing. I have no babies at home during the week. I have pretty severe ADHD and cannot tolerate any stimulants. I take non stimulants but they are barely. My children are ages 12-3 and none are NT. ASD or ADHD each of them. Keeping house and home is really challenging for me. The problem is that no one else is helping. No one else cleans up after themselves or at all. We have cleaning help twice a week (a real stretch to our budget) and between her and myself during the week is ok. No one is cleaning up other than the 2 of us during the week either. I know I should get the kids to do chores or help but it's just another job and it's so overwhelming to me. It's easier for me to tidy up in the daytime when the kids are out.
The big issue is the weekend. The kids are all home and making tons of messes and it's just so much. I feel like I'm drowning in the chaos and the mess and no one else cares. Here and there if I ask a specific request of a child they will (albeit with a lot of kvetching) pick up books or tidy a toy. It's just too much for me. No one cares. I get so resentful and frustrated. I feel like ordering a dumpster and trashing everything in the house aside for a week's worth of clothes per person. Don't worry I declutter constantly, it's still walking up a down escalator.
I have tried leaving the mess but that doesn't help, no one cares. I mean it seriously they don't care to live in mess. It only bothers me. My husband is really wonderful and he doesn't push me, he knows that I am doing the best I can but he still won't step up. It's kind of him to not comment on the state of the house but he also won't do it himself. At the end of day he's exhausted and already pulling his weight.

I need change. I'm not sure how to inspire change, what is reasonable of me to expect of others and also what to expect from myself. My executive functioning is so low, I struggle to manage at all, adding "be on top of kids cleaning or delegating" has up until now never worked. I try for a bit and then burn out. How do I manage the weekends? How to make the kids care or feel responsibility with their stuff.

Can anyone help me?

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 11:00 am

Weekends are the time he can help. He’s home and not working. No reason he doesn’t help. I find when I say it’s family clean up time it works better. Post meal on shabbos morning everyone helps tidy up before running off. Motzei shabbos is the same everyone has jobs and it’s done as a family. And then Sunday before bed again everyone helps tidy up. Make charts with jobs for the weekend and do it as a family.

Goody2shoes

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 11:06 am

You shouldn't feel bad about asking your husband for help, he lives there too! Tell him how you feel and ask if he can help you either with the actual cleaning or with teaching your kids to help you out

imasinger

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 11:19 am

Do/es your ASD kid/s get ABA? You can ask for help getting a cleanup routine established, and extend it to all.

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 11:22 am

My husband does cleanup on weekends. When I take the kids to give them lunch, he does a 5 min clean up. When they’re in the shower, 10 min cleanup from daddy. Etc. often he’ll take 1 kid to help him, and that kid gets special time with him while they clean up together and then eat lunch together/ last shower from daddy etc. so he can work with 1 kid at a time focused and they see it as a treat not a punishment

amother

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 11:34 am

He really hates to clean. I think that's a big issue here. Whenever we talk about it he says we need to get the kids to help but he is not a very authoritative parent. The kids love him but he can't really get them to do things.
He picks up so many of my pieces, I don't know how to insist on this. Living with me and running a household with me isn't the easiest at all. I know he is really frustrated.

amother

Tealblue

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 11:45 am

Pick one area that will give you the most peace of mind.
Kitchen?
Living room?
Laundry?
Bedrooms?

amother

Lily

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 12:56 pm

Perhaps a chore chart with incentives once things are completed. Start with very simple tasks and then slowly make them a little bit more work.
I think for yourself you also need to make yourself a schedule. I hate to say it but you are the one at home all day and while I’m sure you are very busy with keeping house it’s a great opportunity to throw in laundry, take on a minor cleaning project (set a timer so it doesn’t feel daunting), or tidy up something small.
I also don’t have a NT home and my kids are very little so they’re not doing much anyway. The more the little things start to fall everything feels like a huge disaster so I try and make little manageable improvements.
Hatzlacha!

tichellady

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:12 pm

I think the advice to choose one room is good advice. have one room that everyone needs to keep clean. that is a lot less overwhelming for everyone and a very clear goal. I need my entryway and kitchen to be somewhat clean or I feel like I can't function.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:23 pm

I have a rule that anything that's not in proper place is mine so if they leave their toys around after playing I can confiscate

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:40 pm

I find it particularly overwhelming to clean when others are around. So for me, waking up before everyone else and cleaning then, generally works. (I know almost everyone cleans up before going to bed, but I’m usually too tired.)

After the day meal on Shabbos, maybe DH can take the kids out for 45 minutes or an hour, and you can clean up then.
Could this work for you?

amother

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:52 pm

Interesting idea to pick one area. I'll think about that.

During the week I do manage to keep the house under control, I clean while the kids are in school and the cleaning lady deep cleans.
It's the weekends, or when kids have vacation or something like that that it all falls apart.
I actually prefer to clean with no one around but I also get very frustrated that no one else is cleaning up after themselves. Shoes, socks, books, papers, dishes.....it's ridiculous.
My kids couldn't care if I confiscate their stuff.

No ABA at the moment.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 5:26 pm

I find that when it’s a really overwhelming mess, and I need help from others (kids, husband, anyone!), being super specific and easy helps.
For example - can everyone pick up 6 items and put them in their correct places - if 6 people help that’s 36 items put back within about 5 minutes. Often for the Shabbos table I ask the kids to clear the number of items that match their age, which makes it an age appropriate amount of helping for the little ones as well.
Or for toys I designate colours - avraham has to pick up only red toys, yitzchak all the blue toys, yaakov all the yellow toys. That makes it more of a game and still gets the task done but in a much more broken down way.