Parenting methods confusion

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 1:54 pm

I am a very connected parent and it has great benefits. My kids are also difficult and one very much I get the feeling is wanting to be in control of the house and specifically with me, to get her own way. I have read many parenting books and taken courses. I resonate with the authoritative styles, for example, Sara Chana Radcliffe, but have a hard time when it comes to consequences. I feel afraid that I am hurting my child. I have been following a gentle parenting coach and although I like a lot of it, it feels like it's stripping parental authority. The last book I got is from Cathy Glass, who is a foster carer and I also really like her style until she punishes. I feel stuck.

flowerpower

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:00 pm

You don’t need a method to parent your kids. Use consistency and intuition. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Look away when needed. Each kids needs a different approach at each stage of their life. Again- consistency is key!

ftm1234

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:05 pm

I recommend reading Raising A Loving Family by Rabbi Shimon Russell. I have it and it's a great book. Practical, based on his years of experience.

Not a fan of the gentle parenting approach.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:09 pm

ftm1234 wrote:

I recommend reading Raising A Loving Family by Rabbi Shimon Russell. I have it and it's a great book. Practical, based on his years of experience.

Not a fan of the gentle parenting approach.

How do you feel about giving kids consequences/sanctions

ftm1234

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:25 pm

Depends for what. Depends what type of consequence we're talking about.

Did you ever hear Rabbi Russell speak? If you're not sure about getting the book or if it'll be helpful at all, maybe listen to some of his speeches to get an idea of what he's like.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:30 pm

ftm1234 wrote:

Can you give me a synopsis of his approach? That would be helpful. What is his method of disciplining bad behavior?

amother

Sienna

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:35 pm

You really need to work through your guilt.
Are you doing wjat tou are doimg to benefit you or your kids? Thinknthrough the benefits of what you do are for them and hiw by doing so you are benefiting them even thiugh its hard for you.
Once you ingrain this within you, youll feel less guilt and bbe able to be more confidant and empowered

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:38 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

You are 100 percent right. I'm scared that it will make them feel rejected/unloved/scared etc.. There's a lot of science today about how unhealthy it is to keep your emotions inside. I'm afraid I will raise them to be so perfectly well behaved to the detriment of their own needs.

amother

DarkGreen

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:42 pm

How old are your kids?
Your fear of raising them to be perfectly well behaved to their detriment doesn’t sound so rational to me. You would have to be a pretty terrifying parent figure for that to happen.

mha3484

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:44 pm

I have very very hard kids. I found for me that collaborative problem solving also called the explosive child book has really helped. I like that it merges the things I do like about gentle parenting with the importance of my view as the parent.

When we have a conversation using the method, the goal is to come up with a solution that meets my kids and MY needs. I as the mother have a valuable role and need to be taken into account.

I think gentle parenting can have nice ideas but it also gets easily too permissive and I dont like that.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:45 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Let's say you tell a kid they need to clean up after playing a game, otherwise you aren't going to the park. Or they need to clean their room, otherwise they can't have a friend over. Or that they need to speak respectfully, otherwise you won't respond. Or they beg you to dress them (at age 6) and you say you know they can dress themselves and you don't keep going to them. Is that all ok? It feels really mean.

amother

DarkGreen

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

Doesn’t sound mean at all, unless you are doing it in a harsh way. Which based on your posts, sounds really unlikely.

amother

Molasses

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:50 pm

I don't believe in fancy parenting methods. You know you're kids and their behaviors and personality best. You're the one that's with them constantly, you do what works on yours home.

amother

Sienna

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 2:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

What about this feels mean?
That they need to speak respextfully even if their not in the mood?
Or that they understandibly would rather go to the park without cleaning up but they can only go after cleaning up?

It is commendable you are thinking through your actions and checking yourself
At the same time these seem to be things tyat benefit the child. Think of how ita benfiting the chikd even though they telk you they dont want it
Once ylu kmow you are doing it for them you dont meed tk feel bad if their words or actions say youre not a good parent. They just want you to change your mind.
Youre doing this for your childrens benefit, you can assure yourself youre a good parent.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:02 pm

This sounds like you suffer from anxiety and severe guilt. I think you need to go to therapy and address that. How old are your kids? My friend is similar to you. She felt too guilty ever putting her foot down out of fear she was being mean. Her kids are teens now and all have serious issue and she finally went to therapy and she’s working really hard undoing the damage her anxiety regarding parenting had on her kids. Best to deal with this right away.

amother

Moonstone

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:04 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Each kids needs a different approach at each stage of their life. Again- consistency is key!

Can you please reconcile the first sentence with the second?

gottago

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Honestly, it's a lot meaner to raise them thinking that there are no consequences to their actions. They will be unprepared for life and have a hard time taking responsibility for their job, house, spouses, kids...

Our job as parents (actually as humans) is to focus on the big picture. When a child is sick, we might hate giving them gross-tasting medicine, but we'll do it because we know it's good for them in the long term. Why are respectfully given logical consequences for their actions any different? It might hurt now, but it's good for them in the long term.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:10 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

BH been in therapy for a long time. I used to be a lot worse 😉

I have found though that most therapists don't want to deal with parenting issues. They have told me that they aren't great at parenting.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:11 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

I this idea about thinking how it's benefiting the child.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 3:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

There are plenty out there willing to be more helpful than that. I would keep searching because this needs to be dealt with asap.