Does not being chassidish put me at a disadvantage…

amother

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:20 pm

For child rearing?

I grew up in a left wing modern orthodox home (I.e. co-Ed Jewish day schools, pants, etc). I have one younger sibling who I ended up taking care of and raising because of a sick mother. I was very familiar with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and basic responsibilities.

I am close with a chassidish lady who comes from a Williamsburg family of 12 children. She herself lives in EY and has her own clan. She saw me interacting with my oldest baby when he was about 11pm this old and she told me that because I did not grow up chassidish I do not know how to raise children. Since chassidim are all born so close on age and have tons of kids, the girls learn how to raise kids. She said I coddled my baby too much by sitting on the floor and playing with him, answering to his cries, etc.

As a pregnant full time working mother, my question to the chassidim out there… how do you do it? What innate skills did you learn that I didn’t? What did you learn to do differently from your childhood that I didn’t?

I’d like to add that I’m aware there is dysfunction in the chassidish world too and they also have their struggles with things.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:24 pm

That's a little ridiculous. Nothing about being Chassidish makes you a better mother. Being from a large family makes you better prepared for the reality of what babies and young children are like but that has nothing to do with being Chassidish and doesn't make you a good mother.

asmileaday

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:25 pm

Having many kids in a family doesn't make you a better mother.
Sometimes the opposite. You are so burned out you can't even take care of your own kids.
Sitting on the floor playing with your baby, responding to his cries, those are fantastic things for a mother to do.
It sounds like you're doing great.

amother

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:26 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

I think this is what she meant. I didn’t explain it clearly in my OP. Can you comment on the larger family piece?

giftedmom

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Please don’t address us all as a monolith because of one socially off lady you encountered. And no you’re not spoiling your baby.

happy chick

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:27 pm

asmileaday wrote:

Complete and utter nonsense. This lady sounds socially off.

Agree. They may have more experience, but that doesn't mean they're doing it right.

Sitting and playing with your toddler is priceless. Coddling your baby is what you should be doing.

Ignore her.

Ruchi

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:30 pm

Take it from me, as a chassidishe woman, who grew up in a large family, that this lady doesn't know what she's talking about.
I'm horrified at her hurtful and rude comment to you, that you don't know how to raise children.

She's no parenting guru and please don't listen to her nonsense.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:47 pm

This doesn’t directly address what the women said, but from my observation of the chasidish world, there are a lot of European customs and mentalities. I’ve found, as an American, that observing European parenting has improved my parenting and made my household run more smoothly. I want to specifically recommend the book “Bringing up be’be”. It really changed the way I think and act.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 8:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think this is what she meant. I didn’t explain it clearly in my OP. Can you comment on the larger family piece?

Being from a large family definitely gives you a head start in terms of knowing more about babies and young children. It doesn't mean you'll be a better mother or manage better, it simply means you have more exposure and by extension, more knowledge.

amother

Peachpuff

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:06 pm

I’m chassidish and I totally disagree with that woman. That was a very hurtful and insensitive thing to say. I grew up in a medium size family and still had to figure it out with my kids because nothing prepares you for reality. It does help having lots of family and friends who’ve done it to rely on for tips, but in no way does coming from a large family make you prepared to be a better mother.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:08 pm

I'm Chassidish from Williamsburg, didn't grow up in a large family, and I'm from the younger ones, so didn't have to do much growing up.
And I very much sit and play with my kids on the floor and certainly coddle them. Oh and I learned my parenting techniques in a parenting course given in Williamsburg.

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:22 pm

This lady reminds me of the ppl who were socially off and made random comments to me that were so off based. I sit with my baby for hours and play with her. When they’re older you can give age appropriate chores- I don’t believe in training little kids to be mothers. Im chassidishe also

amother

Mocha

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:34 pm

I'm chasidish. From a large family. The statement she said is so not true!
Some of my siblings are amazing mothers, some are terrible.
Being a good parent has to do with personality, care, effort. Nothing to do with the culture or size of family you were brought up with.
Her comment is so naive, please don't take her seriously. Hug

You seem to be an amazing caring mother who pampers her child with tons of love, care and devotion.

amother

Cornsilk

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:35 pm

I'm chassidish, grew up in a large loving family kah and I wish I would have these magical parenting skills that she is talking about.
Parenting is hard work. Grueling sometimes. No magical way of doing it.

There is definitely something to be said that growing up in a healthy family where there is healthy parenting going on and good family dynamics prepares someone to build a family of their own.
It is much harder to parent if you were never parented properly.
Nothing to do with chassidish, nothing to do with 12 kids.