Who decides what the grandkids will call the grandparents?

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 8:53 am

Who decides? When the first grandchild is born, who decides how the new grandparents will be called? If there is or is not a family norm? Like if I called my own grandparents "Bubby and Zaydie", but my parents want to be called "Saba and Savta"? But I prefer them to be called Bubby and Zaydie... etc.

What if the new parent wants the grandmother to be Bubby or Savta (or something Jewish/heimish), but the mother's mother (ie the new grandmother, who is frum) wants to be called Mom-mom or Mama.

Or what if the kids (frum) want their kids to use a made up silly name and the new grandparents want the Jewish/heimish name? For ex, as kids, my oldest sibling tried to say grandpa and Gaga came out, so we called both grandfathers Gaga, and grandmothers were Bubby... and one of the grandfathers loved it, one hated it and made us call him Saba.

So... who gets to decide on the name for the grandparents? And what if the new grandmother insists on Mom-mom and the new mother hates it and the grandmother does not care and will not respect new moms wishes?

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 8:58 am

So this is my step daughter. She asked my husband what he wants to be called and he said Zeidy and that was that. I have no name, and I've been her stepmom since she was 8 but thats her call. I'm first name to the child (not the issue here).

Her mother wants to be called Mom-mom.

My stepdaughter HATES it and is very upset.

It's been 2.5 years and the child now calls both his mother and his grandmother mom-mom.

imaima

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 8:58 am

amother OP wrote:

I vote, a person can decide what they are called.

singleagain

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:08 am

amother OP wrote:

This is something your stepdaughter and her mother need to figure out between themselves.

You can offer some support and such, but don't encourage one way or the other. Not a good idea to get involved in someone else's personal relationships.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:09 am

The grandparents decide.

That's why my kids had 5 Babbis and 4 zaidies. In my dh's circles, all grandmothers are Babbi and all grandfathers are Zaidy (chassidish pronunciation). So we had Zaidy Cohen with the white beard and Zaidy Cohen with the brown beard, Zaidy Goldberg with the white beard and Zaidy Goldberg with the brown beard. The younger zaidies have since turned gray, but they still have their name.

My parents and grandparents were kind enough to have different names- Grandma and grandpa, Babbi and Zaidy (Litvish pronunciation) and Bubby and Zaidy (Litvish).

JasmineDragon

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:10 am

I think in general the grandparents get to decide what they're going to be called - after all, they're the ones answering to that name.

If your parents want to be Saba and Savta, then they're Saba and Savta. If one grandfather hates Gaga, then he's not Gaga (for whoever is capable of pronuncing what he does want to be called).

In my family, the norm is to pick different names for the different sides, so my grandparents talked to each other about who would be Bubbie and Zadie and who would be Grandma and Grandpa. Similarly, my mom initially wanted to be Bubbie but changed to Grandma because she decided that there were too many Bubbies.

amother

Iris

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:13 am

Everyone saying the grandparents decide. Well my mil wanted to be called a word that means mother. A word that I very well might have chosen to use (it's culturally used by mothers in our circles). My older sil didn't mind because she's from a diff culture, and she herself was going by ima. For me that was an absolute no go. She and fil don't get to make that decision (he wanted to go by a name that means father).

Ema of 5

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:18 am

amother Iris wrote:

So all the grandkids call them one thing, and your kids call them something else?

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:21 am

singleagain wrote:

Obviously, that's already decided and it's not changing and I have nothing to do with that. I was just wondering whats normal.

naomi2

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:26 am

Grandparents decide what they want to be called. I feel like you should be have an official name besides your first name that the grand kids call you even though you aren't their bio grandmother. Something a little more respectful that your first name but I don't want to cause any family politics here.

essie14

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:29 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't think you should get involved.
But why is your stepdaughter called Mom-Mom? She can be Mommy and her mother can be Mom-Mom.

I'm not sure why a mom would care what the grandparents are called.

I don't particularly care for the names that my in laws are called but I would never in a million years tell my children to call them something different. This is what my in laws want the grandchildren to call them.

Ema of 5

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:31 am

essie14 wrote:

I think the step daughter’s mother is Mom-mom but the baby is little so he calls them both Mom-mom. My daughter called me mom-mom for a while.

keym

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:45 am

I feel like this is one of those where communication and mutual respect both ways comes in.
My mother has chosen a name that is not typical in Lakewood and my kids have all expressed awkwardness. However, Ive explained to them that it's meaningful to my mother because that's what HER grandmother was called and she was very close to her.
My kids have accepted it. That's just who she is.

My oldest is the oldest great-grandchild on several sides. When she was born, my FIL became Zaidy. So we approached both my grandfather (who I called Zaidy) and my husband's grandfather (whom he called Zaidy) and we offered that they choose additional names "in recognition of their Great-Grandparent Status".
One chose Zaidy First Name proudly.
One chose either Zaidy Last Name or Zaidy Street Name (we went with Zaidy Last Name which was better because he moved into a nursing home, then another nursing home, then a child's home shortly after).

But I've discovered that communication and wanting each other's happiness is huge.
Many grandparents choose a moniker for a reason- it reminds them of someone they love, it makes them feel more or less old, they relate to it.

When the parent/child relations is at it should be, there is goodwill.

OP, as an aside I'm a step-granddaughter several ways.
Each of my step- grandmothers and step-grandfathers chose or requested of my parent a name (Nana First Name), Saba, Babi Last Name that did not step at all on the name that my natural grandparents had yet showed a grandparent relationship and I really appreciated the security it gave me.
Meaning if my grandfather was Zaidy, so my Grandmother's Husband became Saba Jack.

amother

Apple

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 9:47 am

Grandparents do not get to name the baby but do get to name themselves. I would hope (but know better) that everyone is a reasonable grown up and if there is an extenuating circumstance it can be discussed rationally. If it is a first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents can select separate names (one Bubbie and one Savta) but if one already has grandchildren and a grandparent name it is nice manners to either pick a different name or at least clear it by them before using it as well.

To the person above whose MIL uses a name which is for the mom in her country, if yours was the first grandchild, I would expect that you should have veto power. It however seems to already be her name from other preexisting kids so it becomes swallow hard and just smile. Pick a different name for yourself.

Person with mom-mom. Can you call yourself Mommy?
My kids called my mom Ma when they were toddlers because they dropped the first part of grandma, and sometimes called her ma-ma. They didn’t confuse us and they knew who I was. It was a vocabulary/expression issue, not a knowledge confusion. It didn’t bother me for a minute.