Do rich people appreciate gifts for simcha

amother

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 12:18 pm

I have a friend who is pretty comfortable and influential. They are having a simcha soon, and I am unsure about my gift.
I am not sure if I should gift something my income level, or go above my spending budget and gift them something their income level. I am afraid that if I buy them something I would buy for myself, it will be not choshuve (and I feel bad to spend a lot of money on smth they might even not need, bc they probably have everything).
I have this little voice inside telling me :"come on, they won't even notice your small gift, they will get tons of fancier gifts from all ***(city where we live).

Can someone rich/comfortable elaborate -will you notice and appreciate the gift, or not to bother? I really would like to let them know I care about and make them happy....and afraid that my flowers will get lost near fancy arrangements and my food will be just another something possibly going to garbage after the party is over.

amother

Leaf

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 12:22 pm

Something nice from registry or anything with a handwritten card is meaningful, Something more meaningful for shabbos if wedding, or a sefer for bar mitzvah. It's the participating and thought that counts.

amother

Olive

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:05 pm

Usually, someone "rich" making a simcha has a party planner.

A standard/perfectly acceptable thing to do is to call the party planner and ask to pay $x towards the sweet table etc. Then they will put a card from you near the item that you sponsored.

You can offer any amount and they'll put the card - no one will know how much you offered - and there are usually many people who do this so the baal simcha doesn't know how much each person offered - just the total amount that was taken off of their bill

BH Yom Yom

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:07 pm

amother Olive wrote:

This is a nice idea. You can also make a donation to a tzedaka organization that you know is meaningful to them, in their honor. And send a heartfelt note, maybe a day or two before or after the simcha, so it doesn’t get lost with the 5 million other cards they will get.

amother

Oatmeal

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:24 pm

I don’t get this question at all.

We want to be cherished and loved just like everyone else making a simcha. And no. Please don’t spend more than you would usually spend. We want to be treated as normal people with normal feelings.

I’m having a baby soon and I never get gifts. I can afford everything myself but I’d love to feel cherished and loved. And I don’t want anything expensive or elaborate. It would only make me feel uncomfortable.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 2:30 pm

amother Oatmeal wrote:

Fwiw receiving gifts (whether it’s for a simcha or another time) doesn’t make me
Feel cherished or loved. It just surrounds me with more stuff, which I have plenty of.

amother

NeonYellow

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:01 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

Fwiw receiving gifts (whether it’s for a simcha or another time) doesn’t make me
Feel cherished or loved. It just surrounds me with more stuff, which I have plenty of.

For many people, it does though

I do understand the question. I have many wealthy friends, but I have one good friend who’s husband is a world renowned multi multi multi millionaire. She doesn’t need my gift, she doesn’t need a contribution to her sweet table. Her 100k bar mitzva was barely a blip on her wallet
I felt the same way as OP, what in the world can I give? I gave my standard $36 that I give to other friends sons. She doesn’t need my money. But I promise when her son is counting his bar mitzva money, he’ll be thrilled.

amother

Butterscotch

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:03 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

Fwiw receiving gifts (whether it’s for a simcha or another time) doesn’t make me
Feel cherished or loved. It just surrounds me with more stuff, which I have plenty of.

People definitely have feel this way.

I don't do gifts for a family member because if your spending a few hundred grand do you really need my gift? I do contribute $20-40 to the sweet table.

I do find that my presence means a lot.

I recently (actually twice) made the trek and the whole way I was thinking she doesn't even need me there but she expressed her sincere appreciation at my attendance. This happened twice recently. The second time was a small scale event and I didn't even plan on going but happened to be in that town the hour of the event and she was so touched. (I didn't tell her I didnt come in special for this when she called me all touched.)

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:38 pm

amother NeonYellow wrote:

Maybe thrilled. But why would he feel loved or cherished?

amother

NeonYellow

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:42 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

Maybe thrilled. But why would he feel loved or cherished?

Receiving gifts is a common love language. I feel loved and cherished when I receive gifts.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 3:48 pm

amother NeonYellow wrote:

Receiving gifts is a common love language. I feel loved and cherished when I receive gifts.

Right but that’s from loved ones. A bar mitzvah boy will get gifts from neighbors and people from shul and 3rd cousins. Will he feel loved or cherished from these too? (I’m genuinely asking since gifts isn’t my love language at all. But I also don’t think bar mitzvah gifts are meant to express love, more best wishes and proper etiquette than anything else

Eta upon curiosity I googled it and gifts are actually the least popular love language.

amother

Stone

Tue, Aug 22 2023, 11:37 pm

Generally, no.
If this is a great friend of yours then give what feels right for your relationship. I went to many events for wealthy “friends” and stepped it up with the gifts yet, when we made our events we got nothing from them. One friend texted “wow!” when they got our check that burned a hole in my pocket ($180) but we never heard from them again. No gifts back. Your money means nothing in the long run to them. Spend it on your family or give it to someone with lesser means who will surely appreciate it. The rich do not need your money.

agreer

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 12:14 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

...

I recently (actually twice) made the trek and the whole way I was thinking she doesn't even need me there but she expressed her sincere appreciation at my attendance. This happened twice recently. The second time was a small scale event and I didn't even plan on going but happened to be in that town the hour of the event and she was so touched. (I didn't tell her I didnt come in special for this when she called me all touched.)

That is a very classy friend you have!

She must be a special woman.

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 12:21 am

The sweet table thing I don’t get. If they can afford to pay for their simcha why do they want your help. Rather give a gift to the bm boy he will
Be so happy with whatever you give him.

And yes give a gift even if they are wealthy everyone wants to feel loved.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 12:23 am

agreer wrote:

That is a very classy friend you have!

She must be a special woman.

It's a relatively not a friend, and it wasn't about being classy.
She was actually touched.
It felt weird actually lol.

She didn't say it to anyone else 🙈
Including the rest of the family members who made the trek.

Also, to the amother who was saying that when the bar mitzvah boy counts his 35 dollar check he'll feel loved, when his gifts are a shas(!) Or other expensive gifts that are in the hundreds/thousand dollar range and he has a unlimited credit card, no he aouldnt appreciate my "measly" 36 check.

At least for these kids, they think a half million dollar salary is small change (one of them literally laughed out loud that someone thought it was a respectable salary to work up to, as if you make that kind of money at your first job, but I digress...)

amother

Black

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 11:55 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

Little bit of a s/o but related to your point.
My son bar mitzvah was in spring 2020 the worst part, beginning of ,covid . There was a lot of disappointment he had to deal with and one part was the lack of gifts ., which every bar mitzvah boy knows he will get . A few wonderful relatives and friends thoughtfully sent him gifts although the party and Shabbos had to be canceled. Most people did not. It was another crushing part of the whole hard time of having his bar mitzvah canceled. And he and I have huge appreciation to those thoughtful few who did send a gift . I will always remember and be thankful to those few.

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 1:39 pm

amother Black wrote:

Gifts are so important anyone who has kids would know this. The boys all count how much money they got so yes each persons $36 check adds up and is so appreciated. I would say a $36 check is more appreciated than $150 towards the party planner.

amother

NeonYellow

Wed, Aug 23 2023, 2:39 pm

amother Foxglove wrote:

Yes yes yes I agree. Gifts are for the bar mitzva boy not the parents. Just like wedding gifts go to the chosson and kallah, not the parents