My husband wants to just let her cry it out

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 7:25 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm at my wits end with my 2.5 year old. She was sleeping through the night since she was about 1. The last few months she's been waking up, sometimes multiple times a night and just crying and refusing to go back to sleep.
She used to get a hug and go back to sleep, but she got worse and these days she just cries and cries and doesn't go back to sleep. We end up threatening her, yelling at her leaving her to cry for 20 min then coming back etc.
It's really horrible at 2 and 4 and 5am.
The thing is, its not every night. Some nights she'll sleep straight no problem and then other nights she's up once twice three times.....
My husband is at his wits end and wants to just turn up the sound machine so we don't hear her and let her cry all night until she learns to stop.

In theory I agree-shes 2.5, she's not dirty or hungry or in pain, she's capable of sleeping through the night and I honestly just think she just go into this rut that she wakes up and cries instead of putting herself back to sleep.
The issue is she's an extremely stubborn kid and she won't give in; she'll cry and cry and cry non-stop; my mother's heart just can't imagine letting her scream herself in a dark room for hours.

I'm so torn because its really getting out of control and we're expecting another baby soon and this can't continue.
Any advice?

How do you know she isn’t in pain? But even if she isn’t dirty or hungry or in pain she still has a need for emotional closeness and may just need some cuddles. So normal. She’s only 2.5. It’s hard I get it. My 25 month old wakes up a lot but sometimes she may actually be in pain since she’s been teething on and off. Her ear has been having issues

amother

Clear

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 7:57 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Unpopular opinion: just let her cry because it’s clearly a learned behaviour that it gets mommy’s attention. Can’t believe those who say it’s abuse, seriously relax.
Yelling however is a different story-that’s just not going to accomplish anything and just riles her up even more.

Awful advice. Op don’t listen to this.

amother

Clear

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:00 am

amother Orange wrote:

Learn from my mistakes. I regret letting my oldest cry it out. I can’t believe I was so stupid and heartless. She must’ve been terrified, crying alone in her bed for hours and hours just because I was pregnant and couldn’t be bothered. I wish there was a way I could make it up to her.
Now my fourth is this age and I can let her cry a bit sometimes to tire herself out but I always go after max a half hour. If she refuses to go back to sleep I lay with her until she’s drowsy and half asleep and then put her back, or dh takes her into his bed for a bit.

You seem to regret what you did to your oldest but letting your fourth cry for a half an hour is still heartless and CIO. Please don’t do that. Go to her when she is in distress and try to troubleshoot the issue. Like posters said upthread, night terrors, strep, pinworms are often common reasons for night wakening. My toddler was just waking at night and it turns out she has strep. Ignoring a child at any age is cruel.

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 10:50 am

amother Clear wrote:

I think my 2 year old is having night terrors. Does that make sense at this age? Anything to do about it or does the phase go away on its own?

amother

Peony

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 11:53 am

lucky14 wrote:

I wouldn’t have the patience to sit by her crib for hours but I’d let her sleep in my bed if that got her to stop.

I don't either have the patience but there is not way I'm bringing my 2 year old to my bed. That is not something I do and I don't want her to get used to that now. She already developed habits that she grew out of over a year ago - she has a sippy cup in her crib when she goes in for bedtime, which is really a no no for me, sometimes has milk during the night etc which I consider bad habits. But I do what I need to do for now to make things work.

Good idea to the suggestion to verbalize, I think I do say - Mommy's here, Mommy loves you, take you out in the morning etc. But I will try to say - I'll come check on you.

Any other great ideas before I fall over from exhaustion?? Smile

#BestBubby

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 12:04 pm

If you want to spend years doing this, keep giving her hours of attention in middle of the night.

More on the side of CIO, in this situation,
With a caveat of opening her door and saying firmly
(Not yelling)

"Mommy is here. Go to sleep."

Do this twice, 10 minutes apart.

Second time say

" it is middle of the night. Mommy is going back to slerp. Good night."

And dont go back again.

As you said, she is stubborn, so she is testing how long she has to scream until you give in.

ALSO,

Give DD a prize/treat for every night that she does not scream in middle of the night. Tell her it's for being a Big Girl and not screaming in middle of the night.

amother

Mintcream

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 12:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Take her to dr and check for ear infection. You would be surprised. My friend was really suffering with her 4 year old. They finally took her to dr and she had double ear infection. No fever no nothing! Just woke up screaming every night a few times a night!

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 12:10 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

This, minus the treat, is similar to the Ferber method. It worked for me with my kids. Read the book "how to solve your child's sleep problem". I was successful with this method, which allows you to calmly let your child know you are there during the night (no yelling or threatening) without making them feel abandoned.

amother

Clear

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:27 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Chayalle, I’m one of your biggest fans and have learned so much parenting wisdom from you. In regards to recommending the ferber method it’s really not recommended anymore as it’s an outdated approach that is really lacking in understanding the child. Ferber himself has rescinded part of his approach. Its a much better approach to be there with your child in their distress and to try to troubleshoot the issue as there is a reason the toddler is crying. Ignoring her and using behavioral methods of extinction can be very harmful. Hatzlacha!

amother

Crystal

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 6:52 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Because their subconscious hears us even when their asleep there's lots of research on people saying positive things to children in their sleep...
I just did it a few minutes ago with my baby who was getting comfortable in bed
At first I said I'll be in the next room you can close your eyes and fall asleep, I'll come check on you in a few minutes
Then I came back and said I came to see how you're doing, I see you're still up, I'll be in the next room ans I'll come check on you in a few minutes
And after a few times when baby was sleeping I said I came to check on you I see you went to sleep, I hope you sleep well good night I love you

You’re such a good mother. Hashem should bless you. I didn’t start this thread, but you’re giving me chizuk so much. Thank you for posting.

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 28 2023, 8:41 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Kids aren't puppies.

amother

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 12:24 pm

Thanks for all the responses. I didn't reply because for 2 nights she thankfully slept. But last night she was up again twice. I have a hard time falling back asleep and I was up straight from 3:30-5:30, I really cant continue like this!

I see most people agree its wrong to just let her cry, but I am not sure what to do! I don't know how to explain it well, but she is not a baby! She is extremely smart and stubborn, very verbal, understands every single thing, asks questions all day and is not baby-like at all.

I really, really don't think she is having night terrors; when she wakes up at night, she is fully awake and cognizant, talking regular, not half asleep screaming.
When I came to her room last night, she was sitting up calmly, not even crying anymore, just waiting for me. (my son she sleeps with came to get me, she stopped crying when he said he is going to get mommy)

And I end up threatening her because its the only thing that works!
I ask her what she wants, I offer her a drink, a hug, she just shrugs and says no no, and then I told her good night and walked out and she started screaming again, did this a few times, until I lost it and came back and told her she has to go back to sleep or else she is being put in the basement (time-out) After twice of threatning this, she laid back down. by then I was fully awake and couldnt fall back asleep for hours Sad

and I need to function today

The other issue is, she sleeps with her 5 year old brother , and she wakes him up every time, and he come to get me, but he is at his wits end and is strarting to hate her, he can't stand being woken up by crying sister-I don't blame him.

I really dont think this stage or something really wrong thats making her cry.
I think its a habit that she got into and it has to be broken because I really cant anymore. But I dont know what to do.

And my husband is also beyond upset at me-he was also up and he thinks I am giving in to her and its my fault this is continuing.