DD says I make her think she's insane

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 8:39 pm

My oldest is 13 and right now she is crying in her room because she claims that my husband and I, "make me think I am crazy".

Sometimes she claims that we say things we didn't say and then when we disagree, even gently, she gets so upset and emotional, claiming that we are making her think she is crazy.
These are silly and minor issues, but they end up blowing up because she gets so upset.

For example, let's say I ask her to bring the size 5 pamper. She comes with the size 2 claiming that's what I asked for. I used to say something like "actually I asked for size 5" but she would hate that. I tried being more gentle, saying something like "I guess I wasn't clear enough" or "everybody mishears, it's ok". But it makes no difference. She wants nothing less than me admitting that I said size 2.

Other times, the contradiction is so blatant that it almost scares me because I can't justify it as typical miscommunication.

Like if we are talking about thunder and lightning and I say the lightning is observed first.
She'll contradict that no, it's the thunder.
I decide to let it go, and say "you know what, it's been a while since I've learned these things"
She insists on looking it up.
Sure enough, lightning is observed first.
"Ha!" She is gloating. "Just like I said, lightning is first"
And again, she is extremely upset if I do anything other than lie and say "you are right. I did say that thunder is first"

Even if I say "hmm...you remember me saying thunder comes first. Maybe I did mispeak and don't remember" or "we each have different memories of the conversation", those do not appease her at all.

I know these arguments sound stupid, but I'm at a loss.

Do I lie to keep the peace? Otherwise she becomes truly hurt and says that we are making her think she is losing her mind. My husband says that we have to be the ones who teach her that this is not a way to interact with others. (She is a wonderful girl, but yes, a little spoiled) I hear him, but I'm a mother. My heart breaks to hear that she feels this way. Is it the worst thing for me to lie and say "I did ask for size 2" or "I did say that thunder is observed first"?

tichellady

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 8:45 pm

I would definitely not lie but also try to find a way to not engage in these struggles, if that’s possible . Do you think she’s having hearing issues? This honestly sounds very strange to me. Does she get so confused with other people? How is she doing in school?

amother

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 8:53 pm

I try not to engage, but in those two scenarios, how could I have done better?
With the pamper one, my hands were full and I really needed her to get the correct size. The thunder one, I even lied and pretended that she was right, but she insisted on looking it up and then changing positions.

I am so confused and sad.

She loves school but struggles in certain areas. She does claim that her teachers aren't clear. I had her evaluated and nothing came up.

I'll definitely check her hearing. I hope it's that. Because I really can't explain it.

She's giving me the silent treatment now.

Happydance

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 8:55 pm

Sounds like something underlying bigger emotionally is going on.
Is she open with you in general?
Does she have a mentor or therapist?
Do you have a mentor or therapist to speak this over with

anonymous mom

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:03 pm

Sounds like she may have an auditory processing disorder.

amother

Banana

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:09 pm

She's saying you make me think I am crazy, but it's really just you pointing this out that is giving her anxiety and making her wonder if she did say x or not. It's not you. It's the torture she's going through trying to figure out if she's really mixing things up.
Something is going on. She needs a to see a developmental pediatrician who can do a full eval.

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:17 pm

How bout with diapers say "I need a size 5 so whether or not I asked for that originally please bring it" and with thunder "we have different memories of the conversation (I like that line) so one of us is mistaken but it doesn't matter who because we all make mistakes.. how you enjoying the weather..?"

giftedmom

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:18 pm

anonymous mom wrote:

Sounds like she may have an auditory processing disorder.

This
But also some kind of emotional issues

amother

NeonYellow

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:38 pm

She needs some sort of evaluation. I don't think it's hearing, it sounds emotional. Maybe a psychiatrist or developmental pediatrician can shed some light on this. I wouldn't lie and go along with it, she's complaining that you are making her think she's crazy but in reality she's the one doing it to you. I didn't know how long you continue with this charade without being emotionally affected
Out of curiosity , does she have any issues that would point to ASD?

tichellady

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:42 pm

Oh I wasn’t blaming you to be clear. Sounds very difficult to deal with

amother

Begonia

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 10:28 pm

Could it be ADHD? I find memory issues associated with it

amother

Pewter

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 11:03 pm

Sounds similar to what we have going on here when my kids are massively stuck in fight-flight. They are so incredibly defensive, will never ever back down from a position or admit they were wrong and will twist everything to make themselves seem right. And it seems they even believe it themselves, that's how powerfully their defense mechanisms are operating. It's a nervous system thing. In the moment I always try to let it go, because they are quite literally out of touch with reality. Long term we are working on healing their nervous systems.

familyfirst

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 12:53 am

There’s an issue here that leads her to lying. Google why people lie and see if anything adds up

amother

Hyacinth

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 1:06 am

amother Pewter wrote:

This rings true. I don't really understand it myself but it sounds like you get it. I went through a phase of this when I was a teen but bh I think it was brief. Now I have a kid who is like this and it's very frustrating and somewhat frightening.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 2:15 am

Is she afraid to be wrong??

myname1

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 4:15 am

I don't think this is such a big deal. She wants to be right so much that she tricks herself into believing she's right. She's not crazy and neither are you. When you asked for the pamper, maybe she was busy or distracted or just not paying attention fully. So she didn't remember correctly which you asked for. I'd just say "Oh, could be I mis-spoke or you mis-heard. Can you please get me the number 5?" It could be you really did mis-speak. You never know. For the argument, were you arguing very intensely at the beginning, before saying nevermind? Sounds like she got too invested in the argument to admit being wrong. I'd see it as immature and hopefully she'll outgrow it. I don't think it's such a big deal though. The "I feel crazy" comments sound also like immature teenage drama. Maybe try "You're not crazy, but I see you really want to be right, and in this case I don't think you are. But that's okay, admitting to being wrong sometimes is an important part of growing up. We're all wrong sometimes and everyone makes mistakes." Maybe try this shpiel or similar at a calmer moment though.

amother

Olive

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 4:38 am

A subtype of dyslexia of processing might be at play.

You can't pander to it because your job is to raise her to be independent & functional. You need to be as concerned as she is when these things happen. Reassure her she is not crazy and you will get to the bottom of the issue and help her and make sure she is okay.

amother

Blush

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 5:38 am

first tactfully find out if it is happening anywhere else school friends camp etc
hugs and hatzlocha

shaqued_almond

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 6:05 am

Maybe for the future just teach her to echo what you said. It's called active listening.
"DD can you please bring me the size 5 diaper?"
"The size 2?"
"No, size 5."
"Oh, size 5. Okay."
Also make sure nothing is distracting her while you talk to her. Shouting across the room usually trains kids not to listen to us.

amother

Cobalt

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 7:14 am

shaqued_almond wrote:

I actually have a similar thing with my five year old.
So if I would do what you wrote above and say “No, size 5”
Her reply wouldn’t be “Oh, Size 5” . It would be
“That’s what I said to begin with ! I said size 5! You heard size 2 , but I said size 5”.

After reading the OP, it made me think that there might be something deeper going on.
I thought perhaps she’s super sensitive to not being 100% right , and she often switches the story so that the other person appears to be the one in the wrong. That’s how she fights with her siblings . When she misbehaves , she blame shifts and says “So and So caused her to misbehave , otherwise she would not have done it”. And we get absolutely no where until she’s calmed down .

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