"you're so stupid mommy" ADVICE NEEDED

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:30 pm

How do you deal with that if your dc says that? Dd 6 started talking that way when she gets upset.

Kraizy

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:38 pm

I think it's great if they feel safe enough talking to you that way.

You can empathize about whatever it is that I'd bothering them, and then firmly say that we use only nice words.

Two things can be true at the same time.
You can validate the child and still make it clear that we need to talk nicely.

#BestBubby

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:39 pm

When DC is calm, call her in for a talk,

Preferably with BOTH parents.

Tell child it is a big aveirah to call anyone stupid

And it is a double huuuuuuuuge aveirah to talk like that to a parent.

Then teach DC how to express herself respectfully

"I am so upset..."

Warn DC there will be consequences if she repeats this misbehavior.

Iymnok

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:41 pm

I like to proudly tell my kids that I'm the ichiest mommy and they should brag to their friends.
It totally takes the wind out of their sails!

amother

Heather

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:45 pm

Iymnok wrote:

I like to proudly tell my kids that I'm the ichiest mommy and they should brag to their friends.
It totally takes the wind out of their sails!

My mother used to do this and it felt extremely invalidating.

When my DC, 5 tells me something like that, I try to say something like,I can tell you’re really angry about my decision and it’s ok to be angry. Please remember to speak respectfully.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:47 pm

I ignore in the moment and then in a quiet time, I gently and quickly remind that we don’t speak that way
DS8 is constantly telling me I’m an idiot
I don’t validate it with a response

amother

Daphne

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:52 pm

I tell them to go find a smarter one and ask her if she would like to adopt them.

giftedmom

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:54 pm

As I said in previous threads I’m not the worlds strictest mother but if I won’t take it from an adult I won’t take it from a kid

Highstrung

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 5:58 pm

When DD5 is angry (happens often) she yells at anyone in her presence “You’re so stupid!”. I don’t know where she got it from. None of my other kids ever spoke to me this way. I don’t know how to get it to stop. She knows it’s not ok and she’ll have calm conversations about it after the fact . But in a moment of rage she literally loses all forms of self control.
My DH just made her a chart today for good behavior.
On the bottom there’s a row of stars . If she will have a moment where she had self control even when she is angry or upset , we will color in that special self control star . She will be getting a special prize /privilege if she completes all those stars , in addition to her regular behavior reward.
But I’ll be honest and say , I’m struggling and I cried the other day. She is so articulate with her feelings so it bothers me so much that she resorts to this type of talk and also to physical aggression when she is upset . I am at a loss

Last edited by Highstrung on Sun, Sep 03 2023, 6:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 6:08 pm

First, the talk in a calmer moment about the importance of kibud av va'eim. Then, a plan. "if you forget when you're mad, I won't tell at you, but I won't be able to help you either, until you talk to me the right way. Here are some things you can say.... (I'm so mad right now; I feel like you're not listening to me; I get upset when you say that, etc. Or, a request -- please show me that you're really listening and that you care, etc.). Let her pick the ones she thinks will work for her, and write them down to put up some place visible.

Then, in the moment, you can say, "I can't help you when you talk like that. Do you remember the words that work?". Point to the reminder, read it aloud if needed, wait. If she persists in inappropriate talk, ignore her completely, or remind her periodically that she won't get anywhere with that strategy.

Laiya

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 6:09 pm

When dc is calm, you can not only talk about what's not appropriate, but also what are good techniques for calming yourself down? Maybe deep breathing, taking a cold drink, leaving the room, etc.

You can also practice role playing appropriate ways of expressing anger and frustration.

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 6:30 pm

Ignore. Ignore.

amother

Silver

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 6:44 pm

I don't tolerate it. Because tolerating it teaching them it's ok to verbally attack people and they will do it to teachers, peers and everyone else. They all tried it once, and I came down very strong and they never tried it again. I'm not fan of the new method of saying it's ok for your kid to talk like that, I see those same kids bullying their peers and I think we need to put an end to verbal attacks.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 6:47 pm

I often just rephrase for them. “You mean, mommy I really don’t want to eat that for supper tonight.”

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:06 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

Ignore. Ignore.

This. I was told by an expert that it's best not to hear everything. Not everything needs reprimand, lecture, or explanation. Save it for the really big stuff.

amother

DarkCyan

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:16 pm

giftedmom wrote:

As I said in previous threads I’m not the worlds strictest mother but if I won’t take it from an adult I won’t take it from a kid

Practically, how does "not taking it" look like?

Because I also don't want to take it, but I'm often not sure how that translates into action.

I end up ignoring because I'd rather err on the side of under reacting rather than overreacting, but I know that that's probably not a good idea either

amother

Plum

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:19 pm

Wow I have a very similar issue with my son. He’s my oldest so I feel lost. I love all the responses. Question is how do I know which is the right one??

amother

Trillium

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:20 pm

I would say "really? Why?"
And take it from there.

amother

Lightgreen

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:32 pm

I'm feeling something similar in that my almost 3 year old occasionally hits me if she's frustrated. Basically every single time she does it, it's because she's usually overtired or sometimes hungry. That's usually my fault for keeping her awake or not feeding her in time. So I do say "we don't hit" as I also address her concern, but I don't escalate it. Because I know the real root of why she's doing and there's zero percent chance that any chinuch is about to happen.

#BestBubby

Sun, Sep 03 2023, 8:55 pm

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

This. I was told by an expert that it's best not to hear everything. Not everything needs reprimand, lecture, or explanation. Save it for the really big stuff.

This is really big stuff.

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