Ds wants to change minhag

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 10:54 am

This will be DS's first holiday season as a married. They are joining us for last days of succot. Our minhag is not to sit in the succah(unless its a guests minhag).

DS just asked if we could accommodate him eating in the succah. I said- I thought that is not our minhag. He wrote well I would to incorporate this minhag into my new bayis... I am not sure how to respond.

I don't think minhagim work like that...

amother

Crimson

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 10:59 am

If you do it to accommodate guests I think you can accommodate that. I guess just keep it in mind that you're doing it for him so you're not taking it on.

amother

Milk

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:00 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s a chassidish minhag to not sit in the succah shmini atzeres. (No one sits in sukkah simchas Torah)
It’s not really a simple thing to change a minhag, tell him to look into it first before doing whatever he feel like it and ask a rav/rebbe
(We are jpf/heimish- we do not sit in the sukkah shmini atzeres because we follow most chassidish minhagim)

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:00 am

The rav in my community once said very publicly that the halacha is one should sit in the Succah on the first of the last days. I'm not saying your minhag is wrong, but he likely heard this too and doesn't see it as simply a minhag thing.

amother

Blue

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:02 am

Not worth creating a rift over this.

I assume he knows how minhagim work and yet he's choosing to change his. Telling him off or saying you won't accommodate probably won't change his mind.

Perhaps he spoke to a rebbe who said he could do this?

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:04 am

amother OP wrote:

He’s not even in his new bayis for second days.

amother

Milk

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:05 am

amother Navyblue wrote:

Chassidish minhag interprets it differently. Litvish rabanim may also hold that you may not daven mincha at a certain time, or that mincha/maariv is assur, or a million other things.
That’s what was correct for your rav. Not every rave psak is the same for everything

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:08 am

I think my FIL will be insulted- like you don't think I am frum enough or know the halachos. I also think since he is not the only son it will be odd that some family members do one thing and others do another.

Asking our LOR is sounding better and better.

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:09 am

My new son in law also wants to start eating in sukka on Shmini Atzeres, even though his father does not. His father has some chassidish minhagim and my son in law is regular litvish. They will be coming to us second day specifically for this reason- so he can eat in sukka on shmini Atzeres.

tichellady

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:25 am

I think I would try to accommodate for the sake of shalom bayit and respect . If he was asking me I would tell him not to go to his parents for this Holiday specifically since he has a different way of wanting to celebrate so why create drama and make things harder

amother

Caramel

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:29 am

I’m not sure why it’s bothering you. What he chooses to take on extra is his business.. the question is would you accommodate it, as you would any other guest if they had the same request. I don’t see the issue here.

Why do you need to AYLOR for something your married son is doing? Makes no sense to me

amother

Plum

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:32 am

I would just accommodate him. Not worth causing a rift. He’s an adult now and can choose what he wants you no longer have a say. And since he knows that you accommodate guests for this all the time it’s wrong to not accommodate him. And many family minhagim don’t have strong sources or someone learns there is a strong reason to do it the other way, it’s really not a big deal to change. Since he never chose to take on your family minhag it’s really not so serious for him to change. I know this is hard for parents to hear but it’s really really not worth your relationship. BH he’s frum, let him find his own path

amother

Cerise

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:36 am

OP, I think your son will feel very loved, respected, and validated if you respect the decisions he makes for himself and his lifestyle as an independent adult.

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:37 am

Not exactly the same situation, but DH's family sits in the succah on Shemini Atzeres and mine doesn't. At most my father makes kiddush in the succah. My parents were willing to sit in the succah to accommodate DH, but not when the weather was unpleasant. Then came one Succos that was particularly cold and drizzly and no one wanted to be outside if they didn't have to and DH insisted that he needed to be outside since it wasn't raining hard enough for him to move inside, but everyone else (including me!) wanted to move indoors. It was very awkward having a meal inside with DH staying outside, even though we could interact and pass things through the window. That was the last time we went to my parents for the last days of Succos. Either we went to my in laws or we invited family to our house instead.

OP, if this is what your son wants to do and you want him to keep coming to you for Yom Tov, then you may want to consider accommodating his request. By all means, discuss it with your rav as well.

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:48 am

What happens when another married sons says no we don’t want this. Whom do you defer to?
When you are a guest- you should not be demanding - especially if you are young and there are others older than you - like your parents.
When our children come to us their father is the head of household. You follow his derech and minhagim.
When we are their guests they are the ones who set the tone.

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:49 am

Usually guests should be the ones accommodating the hosts’ minhag… Most people who don’t feel comfortable adapting to the hosts’ minhagim just don’t go away if it’s that important to them.