We don’t know how to deal with our aggressive toddler

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 1:53 pm

My 2 1/2 year old is the sweetest, friendliest kid. Everyone loves him. Until he meets the little kids and starts pulling their hair unprovoked or hitting or even trying to bite when he feels threatened (when someone tries playing with any toy we own, not even taking away from him). He did this when he was younger and it faded away , he was good for a long time but now he started doing it again and we’re at a loss. I’ve tried consequences and it did not help. Is the only option now to never socialize with friends or go out of the house? He doesn’t stay in one place and as much as I try to trail him he gets away. I’m so frustrated and I can’t understand why he’s doing it. Has anyone figured out a way to stop it?

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:44 pm

You need to be figuring out the why. What is the underlying reason behind it? Is he doing it for attention? Is it a sensory thing like he likes the feel of hair? Is it because he wants something and can't use words?
Behaviour is communication. He's communicating something to you, the question is what?
You can try tracking what's going on by logging things when they happen. So looking at what happened before he did something and seeing if you can start seeing a pattern.
Before you can work on 'consequences' you need to understand the reasoning behind the behaviour.

amother

Sand

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:48 pm

I am very passionate about this, becasue many parents get this one detail wrong.

When he is in a fit, do not reason with him, HOLD HIS HANDS DOWN and say a simple sentence like 'We don't hit!'

After he calms down you can ask him about his emotions and discuss it.

We do not wait for a toddler to stop hurting others. We make it stop! You are then in effect teaching him that he can be angry, but he cannot lash out. There's a physical force stopping him.

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:52 pm

amother Sand wrote:

He usually does it very calmly, there’s no fit along with it. Sometimes he does it because he’s possessive of his toys but sometimes he just watches fascinated at the crying that ensures. It honestly scares me. If he wasn’t a super mushy warm kid who will be the first to hug his crying sibling I’d be worried that he’s showing sociopathic behavior Crying

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:54 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

I don’t know ! I wish I did. Like I said sometimes it’s because someone is playing with a toy (not taking it away, just one of our toys) and sometimes there’s no provocation. He just calmly walks over and pulls their hair and then watches them cry.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is he in daycare? Maybe this is going on there & that's where he learned this behavior.

amother

Blush

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

My toddler is exactly the same

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 2:58 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

Is he in daycare? Maybe this is going on there & that's where he learned this behavior.

it did start again after he was with aggressive kids in day camp but I need to stop it before we alienate everyone. I feel so bad every time he does it!

amother

Blush

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 3:01 pm

I usually just try to redirect him. Physically take him and lead him away without saying anything. A few minutes later I try to talk to him about how the other boy was crying and sad and have him say sorry. Doesnt really seem to be penetrating lol so dont take advice from me. I think talking about it in the moment is just feeding him an even bigger reaction (like hes already doing it for the kids reaction, he doesnt also need mine), which he thrives on...

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 3:29 pm

amother Blush wrote:

My toddler is exactly the same

Mine too! She’s 25 months. Also grabs toys away that r hers even if she wasn’t even playing w it

amother

Celeste

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 4:38 pm

He could be very sensory. Let him play with sand, play dough, toys that squeeze. Give him musical instruments. Paint, things with different textures.

belovedaz

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:12 am

My 18 month old did this in the summer too every baby in the colony. She would come over and grab at their faces or pull their hair. I'll prob never know why she did it but I think she was trying to get their attention. She looked so clueless when I pulled her away or said no sharply. I hope they're all past this very soon! It's very frustrating. She'll even do it to random toddler in the park. It's the same grab at the face- nose mouth area- that she does every time

pinkpeonies

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 7:34 am

Is he your oldest OP?
It’s a stage that passes. 2.5 is a baby. He’s not doing it maliciously
You just have to reinforce over and over that we don’t hit/pull hair etc
You can have consistent consequences. If you’re outside and he pulls a neighbors hair, then you take him and say to him “I’m sorry, we are going inside. We don’t pull hair”
Or strap him in the carriage when he pulls hair while firmly and calmly telling him why
It won’t work after only a couple times, but he will understand when it’s very consistent
Also reframe and realize just how young 2.5 is. When you think a child is older than he is, you tend to believe it’s a catastrophe. It’s not. It’s so so so normal. Just like with all behavior, it needs to be calmly, firmly, and consistently addressed

amother

Emerald

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:07 am

Time out for 2 minutes every single time child hurts someone.
Without screaming. Just say that hurts we can't do that and sit child anywhere(can be any chair!) Say "I'm sorry you have to go in time out because you hurt so and so."
At the beginning it can be multiples times a day but then it will be less. You have to be very, very consistent. It's a pain to emforce but it works with most kids.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:23 am

I’ve tried consequences, he thinks it’s a big joke. He’s not my first, never had this before… he’s very mischievous. I understand it’s going to pass but I feel terrible every time he hurts someone but I also don’t think the solution is to never socialize until it passes…

Rachel Shira

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:35 am

It’s normal, as you know. I think the only thing to do is stay close and prevent what you can. If he’s really injuring kids or you can’t stop it by staying near him, put him in the stroller or take him inside. It’s a very frustrating stage but as long as you’re keeping a close eye I think that’s all that’s expected of you.