Moms of kids with good but a bit different ASD spectrum kid

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 7:50 am

My son is a good boy but different than the average Lakewood 8th grader. He is diagnosed as High Functioning autistic and currently attends a mainstream JPF/yeshivish elementary school. Somehow, he has made it through all the way to 8th grade (I'm sure fellow mothers of similarly labeled children can relate to this sentiment Smile

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His main difficulties are rigid thinking, anxiety, and challenges with social cues. While he cannot sit through shul on shabbos, he is otherwise a good Torahdik boy. He is well liked in by his peers and we never have issues with fights or the like. He is tutored for Gemara, (his classroom Rebbi told the tutor that he is not keeping up with the class though, he often offers profound insights into the Gemara that no one else thinks of).

Over the years he's had many therapies, including speech, talk, and play/floortime.

First and foremost, I'm curious if there are other parents facing similar circumstances with sons of his age. How are your sons progressing at this age, and what therapies are you currently finding effective?

Right now, my primary concern revolves around his transition to mesivta. I know the schools typically guide and facilitate this process, however my son's school may not fully grasp his challenges since he manages to navigate each day somewhat inconspicuously and his struggles are sort of under the radar. What High Schools are you looking at?

Despite his difficulties, he is very torahdik like I said and readily participates in school minyanim. My goal is to find a mesivta in Lakewood that would be a suitable fit for a boy like him. I want to ensure that he is placed in an environment that nurtures his yiddishkeit but "gets" him.

So Lakewood/Jackson/Toms River Imas help me figure out a place that he would belong.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:47 am

Don't sell your son short. The "special needs" places in Lakewood are awful. Truly, truly, truly. If your son is a torahdik boy who gets along with his peers, he can be in a regular yeshiva. As much as this town pretends it away, learning disabilities abound in regular places. Your son's rebbe will not recommend him for a "top" (and thats in quotes on purpose) yeshiva because he's having trouble keeping up now. But there is NO reason that he shouldn't go to a very good "beis" yeshiva, if he is happy to go to minyan, to classes, and makes friends and can interact with his peers mostly appropriately. Please. Don't make the mistakes that I did. Just get him into a regular mesivta and forget about all the labels for your kid. If he is functional in the classroom, he will be fine. Not every kid is a superstar learner. My son is a great boy, despite all that he experienced in "small, warm yeshivas that cater to non-learners." And he is still traumatized by the 3 years he sat doing absolutely nothing in a forced imprisonment while the staff sang their lies to the parents. If your kid is a good kid who doesn't rebel against authority and goes where he is supposed to go, he ABSOLUTELY deserves a regular place. So what if he's rigid? Have you ever had a conversation with half the people in chinuch today? There's rigidity right there if you want it and they seem to be just fine at gatekeeping in the Jewish world. Your son deserves a chance just as much as any other kid. Fight for him like his life depends on it. Because it does.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 1:17 pm

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm coming back to this. I just cannot get your post out of my mind and out of my heart.

I need to tell you something. You wrote "somehow he has made it through all the way to 8th grade." Its an interesting choice of words. As though it was by chance. Or as though the yeshiva just didn't realize your kid was there. And lo and behold, here we are at graduation.

No. No. He did not make it through somehow. He made it through because he belongs there and is functioning there. And because you kept trying to get him help and therapies. Is he the top of the class? Maybe not. Is he Mr. Social? Also not. But he is there because he is fine. He made it through because he belongs just as much as all the other kids. Not every kid has to be perfect. There is such a hard push to be perfect, and then we doubt our kids because they are different. Everyone has challenges. Everyone. And if they don't have something when they're young, you can bet on something happening when they're older. Thats just life.

If he wouldn't have been tolerable in yeshiva, he would have been kicked out. He made it through because he's a decent kid. Yes he may be someone with some unique challenges and may have different than average goals, but he belongs in a mainstream place. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 1:47 pm

Making it through can mean different things
Is he aware of his challenges? is he aware how he is different? How does he relate to himself in regards to his challenges?
High school is a lot more challenging than elementary
My son was able to make it through “” elementary school but when it came to high school he couldn’t survive socially the boys picked on him and after 1 month chose to stay home until we put him into a smaller school catering to boys who could not learn full time and needed a non traditional environment
Smaller student to teacher ratio
Shorter shiurim and classes
Trips and hikes
Since all the boys were challenged in some way it helped him with moral support
Our biggest challenge was finding a place that didn’t have ruchniyus issues

amother

Milk

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 2:04 pm

amother Cinnamon wrote:

Where did you find a school like that without ruchniyus issues?

amother

Milk

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 2:07 pm

OP I agree that elementary and high school are two different kettle of fish. I'm not in Lakewood but have a son with similar challenges. He made it through elementary, floundered in high school. We ended up sending him to a smaller high school with a lot more attention. It didn't have the special programs that the amother above is describing but also didn't have any social pressure. He did very well there and is now in a small yeshiva and really happy.

The issue with all the special needs places is that either the other kids are on a much lower functioning level or there are yidishkeit issues. It's a very real issue. If he can make it in a small regular yeshiva high school, it would be better. You need to look for a high staff - student ratio and staff who are prepared to listen and accept.

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 2:56 pm

amother Milk wrote:

Where did you find a school like that without ruchniyus issues?

It took us time until we found it
It was in Israel
First year my son was happy the following year the crowd changed between the outgoing and incoming students and he wasn’t so motivated to go, so we ended up sending him to a new program that opened up abroad in his family ’s hometown ( meanwhile the previous program closed) That worked out for about another year. He gained a lot of skills there but was significantly more high functioning than the other boys. After that he tried a new mainstream place that attracted a lot of boys with social differences where he also had a hard time finding his place etc

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 4:10 pm

amother Burlywood wrote:

if he is happy to go to minyan, to classes, and makes friends and can interact with his peers mostly appropriately YES YES YES to this. He is happy to go to school minyan and actually has amazing friends in school. He is very well liked.

Your post really speaks to me and this is exactly the kind of response I was hoping for.

What do you mean by "sang their lies"?

I'm wondering which mesivta to stay from since I am super concerned about being told to go to a lower level (in ruchnius) mesivta because he is different (he does not rebel religously but religion is 100% hard for him.)

As an example - he can't bentch the whole bentching. Nothing doing - I never said a word but I see that for many years he would wash beautifully and never bentch. JUST the past couple of months he came over to me and said - ma bentching is so hard so I never do it. but now I started saying the first paragraph. I believe that one paragraph is more precious to hashem than the whole bentching knowing how much he struggles.

Another example is shul. He doesn't go to shul on shabbos but is so makpid to not read english books or do anything wrong like build lego (which he loves) or play monopoly. Again - this is something that to me is super special about him. Same with putting on tefillin- he will sit for at least 45 minutes in the morning (when he doesn't have school minyan) to put on tefillin - and sit there. That's the kind of kid he is. Not sure people can relate but just to give you an idea.

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 4:14 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

Wishing you Bracha V'hatzlocha for your DS.I have tears in my eyes because 20 years ago we didn't understand what our son's diagnosis was and so many years he wasn't helped. We only learned of it when he was about 15, and tried to find the right places for him. He is now in his early 30's and doing well but I know we lost so much time that we weren't able to help him. I get very emotional hearing the younger children and parents have more schools,classes that tend to ASD children/adults.

Hugs and you should just know there is very much NOT enough support. I am totally floundering and depleted (financially, emotionally) . My son was in a mainstream school - I did not have any major help with him there. We spent close to a mortgage and therapies that I question their effectiveness. You didn't miss anything ....

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 4:16 pm

amother Burlywood wrote:

Agree- but some years were mamesh hanging by a thread in terms of the english teachers getting frustrated with him for not doing work. It was very touch and go. The nicer teachers I bentch them every day, the tougher/stricter teachers, well lets just say they made my life harder.

That's sort of what I was referring to....

I do though agree that he belongs in a normal school - I just needs names of normal bais schools

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 4:17 pm

amother Cinnamon wrote:

I am very open with him. He knows he is autistic - his brain thinks differently than others and he has a special skill set. that is what we tell him.

Are you in lakewood - would you mind saying which schools worked for you?