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Forum
-> The Social Scene
What would be a reason/ the main reason for one person to do a favor for another person?
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| Only if there is a very pressing need |
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3% |
[ 4 ] |
| When the thing would be significantly harder for the person receiving the favor than for the person doing it |
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6% |
[ 8 ] |
| When someone's tired/overwhelmed, people should help, and they should pay it forward when they have energy |
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5% |
[ 7 ] |
| To show affection and strengthen relationships |
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18% |
[ 24 ] |
| There doesn't have to be a reason |
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63% |
[ 81 ] |
| Other reason (will explain) |
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3% |
[ 4 ] |
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| Total Votes : 128 |
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amother
OP
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 Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:48 am
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The thread about ask/guess culture had me thinking that it's not just about direct vs. indirect communication styles, but on what doing a favor can mean to people.
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amother
Holly
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Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:52 am
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You don’t have anything related to Torah and mitzvos among your poll options.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Sep 22 2023, 12:00 pm
| amother Holly wrote: | | You don’t have anything related to Torah and mitzvos among your poll options. |
Though there isn't exactly a distinction between doing favors and doing chesed, I'm talking about the social role, more. Like, I'm assuming that regardless of the reason, the deeper reason is that helping others is good because of the Torah. I'm not sure this makes sense, I'm posting while tired.
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amother
Lightpink
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Fri, Sep 22 2023, 12:07 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Though there isn't exactly a distinction between doing favors and doing chesed, I'm talking about the social role, more. Like, I'm assuming that regardless of the reason, the deeper reason is that helping others is good because of the Torah. I'm not sure this makes sense, I'm posting while tired. |
As a standalone idea, sure, helping others is good because of the Torah. But the vast majority of women are juggling many things that are good because of the Torah, either directly or as a supporting partner: chinuch, pru urvu, talmud Torah, as well as other chessed items. Parnassah also, which falls under all of the above indirectly, as one must have money to facilitate all these. So normal people will show some consideration before putting someone on the spot to set aside all those things, and won't do so frivolously.
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gottago
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Fri, Sep 22 2023, 12:14 pm
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To be G-dly. HaShem does "favors" and we should try to emulate him. That's what olam chesed yiboneh means.
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amother
Lightpink
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Fri, Sep 22 2023, 12:22 pm
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But if you're asking me why I ever do favors, it's all of the above. Sometimes there's pressing need, sometimes not. But I don't like being pressured and guilt tripped.
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Highstrung
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Fri, Sep 22 2023, 1:02 pm
I do it because of Olam Chesed Yiboneh and I’m fortunate to be a Jew and be gifted by HaShem with the three character traits of a yid which is , Rachmanim , Bayshonim, and Gomlei Chasodim.
I do keep in mind that doing chesed and having rachmanus also applies to myself . I need to put on the oxygen mask first before I could help give others oxygen. Once I make sure it’s coming from a source of pure intention to give with joy and happiness and not expect anything in return, I give and help as much as I can.
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NechaMom
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Sat, Sep 23 2023, 10:12 pm
If somebody asks, and I can say yes, I’d much rather say yes than no.
I don’t care the reason for their asking. I’ll always try to help if asked.
That said, if it’s super hard for me, I’ll push myself much more if it’s a real need and probably not overwork if I don’t feel it is.
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scintilla
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Sat, Sep 23 2023, 10:23 pm
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I didn't see the other thread so don't know the context you're asking in. But if someone asks me, I will usually say yes if I can, with the idea that if a mitzvah comes your way, grab it, because it's hashgacha pratis that the person asked you. Also just to be nice, honestly a bit confused by the question - but I guess that's where the context would help!
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amother
Opal
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Sun, Sep 24 2023, 12:29 am
The reason for requesting help makes a difference to me.
If they have a Simcha, a baby, child in hospital, go to an appointment and need to place a kid, I would extend myself to help them. Even when it's difficult for me.
If they are going on vacation (unless their vacation is a true necessity due to a specific circumstance), than I don't feel it's so crucial to overextend and take their child (unless they took my kid at any point).
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amother
Sand
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Sun, Sep 24 2023, 4:50 am
The role is doing chesed, doing Hashem's will and keeping cordial relations with one's fellow humans.
Suppose it depends on the nature of the favor what really comes off it. If a neighbor asks me to watch her child for half an hour or to bring something along from the grocery store while I'm there anyway, no problem.
If someone wants me to pick them up from the airport at 03:00 a.m., much less likely, unless it's a real emergency, like medical or similar, and there is absolutely no other way.
Sometimes, it's callenging to decide. Dh and I had a discussion this morning. A divorced man who is sort of a friend of dh's friends is looking for a place to sleep in a sukkah. The guy is not behaving in a normal way, to put it polite. We've had him in the past, he's a very difficult and demanding guest and even yelled repeatedly at dh and our kids. He seems to have psychological problems. Our children can't stand him and are afraid of him. On the other hand, he's divorced, he's got no family and he's got nowhere to go.
It would be a giant chessed to invite him. But it would also prevent our children from sleeping in the sukkah, which they love doing even though they are below the age of chiyuv. It would also make our children run away from the meals as they don't want to be near him. We've decided that we can't take him this year. I hope that was the right decision overall.
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amother
Silver
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Sun, Sep 24 2023, 5:45 am
| amother Sand wrote: | The role is doing chesed, doing Hashem's will and keeping cordial relations with one's fellow humans.
Suppose it depends on the nature of the favor what really comes off it. If a neighbor asks me to watch her child for half an hour or to bring something along from the grocery store while I'm there anyway, no problem.
If someone wants me to pick them up from the airport at 03:00 a.m., much less likely, unless it's a real emergency, like medical or similar, and there is absolutely no other way.
Sometimes, it's callenging to decide. Dh and I had a discussion this morning. A divorced man who is sort of a friend of dh's friends is looking for a place to sleep in a sukkah. The guy is not behaving in a normal way, to put it polite. We've had him in the past, he's a very difficult and demanding guest and even yelled repeatedly at dh and our kids. He seems to have psychological problems. Our children can't stand him and are afraid of him. On the other hand, he's divorced, he's got no family and he's got nowhere to go.
It would be a giant chessed to invite him. But it would also prevent our children from sleeping in the sukkah, which they love doing even though they are below the age of chiyuv. It would also make our children run away from the meals as they don't want to be near him. We've decided that we can't take him this year. I hope that was the right decision overall. |
I definitely think it was the right decision! your children come first and they should always know that
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mommy3b2c
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Sun, Sep 24 2023, 7:41 am
| NechaMom wrote: | If somebody asks, and I can say yes, I’d much rather say yes than no.
I don’t care the reason for their asking. I’ll always try to help if asked.
That said, if it’s super hard for me, I’ll push myself much more if it’s a real need and probably not overwork if I don’t feel it is. |
This exactly .
For example :
If my sil asks me to watch her baby for two hours I’ll say yes even it’s so she can go shopping or to a movie .
If she asks me to watch him for a week then I might not say yes if it’s for a vacation but I’ll definitely say yes if she has a medical emergency.
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Goody2shoes
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Sun, Sep 24 2023, 7:50 am
I don't get the point of thinking deeply into each time someone asks a favor. All you would accomplish is a lot of heartache and bitterness.
I'm usually quick to say yes, I really don't mind helping others out even if they don't usually help me, always ask ect ect... It's non of my business why they need it and I generally don't ask why. At the same time, if I have a valid reason why I can't, I won't kill myself to do it.
I keep it very simple, if I can I'm thrilled to help out and if I can't I won't. No extra cheshbonos necessary.
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