Succah procrastinating husband

metacognizant

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:38 am

My husband hasn’t started building the succah yet. He does have all his supplies (assuming no glitches- NOT a safe assumption since his design this year is new) but is in his home office doing “something important.” We’ve been married 8 years and not once has he finished before erev succos. Last year he finished (with my help) in the 18 minutes while we had a week old baby. All I want is a couple hours to decorate a succah before literally erev succos. Who’s with me?

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:40 am

Let go let go let go. It’s his obligation. Do not enable or help him. Most certainly not with a week old baby!

amother

Smokey

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:42 am

Sounds familiar. Got somewhat better when my boys got old enough to build it on their own. But still not always to my liking.

I think it's one of those things you have to either accept, or solve on your own.

I had this issue for years with vacuuming the car before pesach, until I decided to just hire someone else to do it. It was too stressful having my husband busy vacuuming the car at the last minute, when I really needed him available for actual last-minute tasks.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:42 am

Ttly understand your frustration
What about a husband who waits to the last minute to buy a lulav and esrog? #last minute husbands Can't Believe It

amother

Camellia

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:42 am

Dh has started on ours, so I'm not all the way there.

At some point you need to think, I don't have this chiyuv. I can eat in my house too.

I can imagine that you are doing the shopping, cooking, laundry and childcare. You do not have to worry about this too.

I'd drop one last request and then let. it. go.
I'd say, did you know that there is rain on the forecast tonight and tomorrow. You may want to get started on the sukkah. I had a really hard time last year lighting candles so late. I don't want a repeat on that.

notshanarishona

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:44 am

This used to drive me nuts, after 10 years of erev sukkos my husband being busy all day , I finally convinced my husband to start R”H . Maybe have a talk when it’s not erev yom tov

happyness

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:45 am

giftedmom wrote:

Let go let go let go. It’s his obligation. Do not enable or help him. Most certainly not with a week old baby!

I don’t totally agree
While it’s his obligation, she has a desire to decorate it and feel settled. So normal. And that’s something worth being respected,

And it’s worth communicating it in a healthy and positive way

metacognizant

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:47 am

giftedmom wrote:

Let go let go let go. It’s his obligation. Do not enable or help him. Most certainly not with a week old baby!

Yes and no. Obligation or not, I’m not going to not eat in a succah, especially with my kids. It would upset me too much.

metacognizant

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:00 pm

Plus he only wants a halachic succah, whereas I want it to look nice, and he never leaves me enough time to make it look nice. One year he built a succah out of two existing walls, a bookcase and a junked refrigerator, and it was 5’ tall. Technically kosher but so disappointing and depressing to come home to that erev yuntif. I am allowed to have standards.

metacognizant

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:01 pm

Thank you to the poster who said to get him to build the succah early.
I’m literally putting a note in my calendar about this for next year. That’s probably the best I can do. It should be obvious, but nooooooo.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:06 pm

If this is something that bothers you so much, tell him "husband, I am available to help you x,y,z times in the next few days. Please pick a time and lets do this".
If that doesnt work, why dont you start with either your children if they are old enough or find teens to build it for you?

metacognizant

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:07 pm

I can’t use teens this year because the succah design is new and untested. We inherited a partial kit from friends and my husband designed a way to complete the kit (maybe). If his design works 100% I’m going to hire teens in the future and just do it without him. I’m pissed.

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:12 pm

metacognizant wrote:

You know there’s this app called Taskrabbit where you can get people to do all kinds of work for you by the hour. If it’s that important to you and not to him I’d just get someone else to do the job.

amother

Snow

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:16 pm

Let it go. My dh finishes 5 min before yom tov. I don't concern myself with it. I can eat without a sukkah. Yes it would be nice to have a nicely decorated sukkah but I won't ruin my yom tov over it.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:26 pm

I'm there with you!

Although in my case, this is our first sukkos building our own sukkah, and we don't own one. DH is planning to make it from scratch today. I'm just keeping my mouth shut and pasting a smile on my face.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:32 pm

Same situation. We also know there are issues like an outlet needs to be fixed and the beams might not fit. I’m freaking out. I didn’t nag until today. Now I’m thinking had k nagged earlier maybe it would have been done.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:47 pm

I wouldn’t give this a second thought. It’s his responsibility, he’ll get it done. Nagging never made Anyone move faster

metacognizant

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:54 pm

Update. I nagged over text instead of verbally and he got right on it. So weird. I need to remember that my husband finds verbal prompts threatening but not do with texts most of the time. He’s doing it now and actually being really nice about it. Daven that the design works!