I'm Ashkenazi and married Sefardi AMA

amother

Pewter

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 9:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think sefardim have a much richer culture... hope that isn't offensive to say, ashkenazim Smile

There's a lot more traditionalism here that I find it hard to imagine a sefardi girl marrying an ashkenaz guy. I mean, unless she davka wants that. Although, most sefardi girls I know are dead set on marrying sefardi, while my ashkenaz friends are pretty open. I don't know... as I'm typing, this is making less sense to me LOL

It made sense to me Very Happy

I’m Ashkenaz married to Ashkenaz but I live in a very mixed neighborhood. I can’t generalize about every single person but for the most part I find Ashkenaz people more open to Sephardic neighbors but Sephardic neighbors tend to hang out together in their own little clicks. They’ll say hi, they don’t shun anyone but they’re not as open to letting non Sephardics into their group. I noticed they also have a whole hierarchy going of which type of Sephardics are more elite and higher up the totem pole than which other type.

Boca00

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 9:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think sefardim have a much richer culture... hope that isn't offensive to say, ashkenazim Smile

I have this stereotype in my head that real Sephardi women make amazing wives, treat their husbands like kings. So I thought it actually works better when a Sephardi girl marries an Ashkenazi guy! But maybe I made that up.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes we do, overall. We live in very mixed community in the tristate area. I find that there aren't enough Moroccans here to have a "Moroccan Shul." It's more a mix of sephardim. Many many of our friends are ashkenaz.

What was it like for you growing up with an ashkenaz mother and sephardi father? It'll give me a glimpse into my kids perspective.

Do you cover only with mitpachats?

My parents are not American. I didnt grow up frum or affiliated with any community so to speak, so always felt like an outsider... I was never American enough to fit in with my american ashkenaz friends, but never sefardi enough to fit in with sefardi peers. My mother was never a foodie when I growing up and she doesnt know how to cook sefardi food so well. I grew up with the holidays and being very family oriented, but I also grew up with my father not speaking to some of his siblings, his dad (my grandfather) not speaking to any of his kids. I love being sefardi, but the family fights and drama are the worst. Especially moroccan drama. Not sure if your husband's side is like this. I grew up with my grandparents not speaking to each other. Currently my father and one of his brothers don't speak to each other. I dont have what to do with any of my cousins really.

Pretty sad but bh hoping to raise a different type of family.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:02 am

Boca00 wrote:

Yes 100%! Okay, you're definitely on to something. I guess I'd wonder if the sefardi girls have a hard time respecting their non-traditional Ashkenazi husbands.

amother

Lemonlime

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:05 am

I know such a couple in real life and although they tell everyone everything's perfect I can see through it

They are coming from Polar Opposite Worlds it's impossible to make it flawless

I feel like both of them lost their true identity in the process

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:06 am

amother Hotpink wrote:

Wow I totally hear this. So much Moroccan drama. Thought it was just his family.
I hope you're successful in changing the dyanmics!

Our Rav (although he follows Rav Ovadia) holds that at this point sheitel vs mitpachat is minhag. Technically speaking, because my MIL wears sheitels I can wear one too. I did wear at the start of our marriage, but for the last few months I've only worn mitpachats. I don't say that I'm doing it b'shita.... we'll see how everythng goes. It is not the norm in my community.

Do you only wear mitpachats?

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:17 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Do you ever regret it?

Can't lie. There have definitely been moments where I'm thinking it would have been wayyyy easier to marry an ashkenaz guy.

Marriage is difficult enough. Add in two different cultures, and you're in for a treat.

I sometimes remind myself that I'm getting "more" out of my marriage because of it. Marriage is the best middos workshop. The greater the differences, the more opportunities for growth.

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:18 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Interesting. I'd love to hear more. What do you mean about lost identities? I think I understand but I'm curious how you see this.

Who is the sefardi and who the ashkenazi?

amother

Lemonlime

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:36 am

Spirituality comes from women & we give over wht is within us. In such situation its so hard to put into children something completely new. Mesoreh is huge thing so this becomes Less natural...

He also mocks Ashkenazim which hurts being that its her past... Otoh he tries to adapt to some of her mesoreh none are getting the full deal

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 9:41 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Okay so this I don't relate to at all. All Yidden have the same mesorah, so I don't feel like I'm giving over something different to my children.

The only thing that's different is minhag/halacha which I have totally taken on my husband's, as should be. I do not think it's right for a husband to take on any part of his wife's minhagim. That was never done. I think that's where they went wrong. One thing I knew going into this marriage is that I am now sefardi, and I will do as the sefardim do.

amother

Charcoal

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 10:12 am

This is such an interesting thread! I am sefardi married to sefardi. But we are the only sefardim in a very ashkenaz/yeshivish community. Also, we dont have any family living nearby, so we pretty much blended into the ashkenaz culture. But there is still so much of the sefardi culture within us. When my oldest started dating, I had this moment of panic, thinking she was for sure going to get married to an ashkenaz. At the end she married a sefardi boy from a VERY sefardi home. We were in for a real culture shock! I cant imagine how ashkenaz parents would have been able to relate to my daughters in laws!! (her husband wanted to marry ashkenaz). We are bh so so happy with that shidduch, and all my kids said they want the same for themselves.
Op, what was your familys reaction to your shidduch? And what is their relationship to your dh now?

amother

Garnet

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 10:50 am

I'm sephardi, first generation American. as in, my parents came to America when I was a baby, so my siblings and I were raised in america, integrated into a typical American yeshivishe community. Sure we davened in a sephardi shul, and a handful of minhagim are different, but that's really it. My siblings all married American ashkenazim but booooy did shadchanim and yentas in general have what to say about that. Many point blank refused to set up "mixed" shidduchim, based on nonsense discrimination and stereotypes. Op, how do you deal with FALSE stereotypes about sephardim?

(Specifically talking about the stereotypes about demanding misogynistic men, which in my personal experience is 10000% false. Laughably so.)

amother

Garnet

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 10:54 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

All my sephardi siblings (born and raised in america) married American ashkenazim. What makes it "polar opposites"? It's a few minhagim, little details in halacha, and a change in nusach (which I've never heard of a man demanding that his wife change her siddur if she doesn't want to). What's the drama of polar opposites?

amother

Fri, Sep 29 2023, 11:21 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Thanks for sharing. Super interesting. What's it like being the only sefardim among ashkenazim? Do you feel like an imposter? Or like people don't really get you?

My family was really chilled. Very non-judgmental people. They were never the type to micromanage my shidduchim and to only look at x type of people. We are also Israeli so I think that's one step closer to understanding sefardi culture than being European or American Ashkenazi.

Although our families are so different, they actually get along quite well. My parents like DH. Anything that they may not like would be more about personality than him being sefardi.