How much to push kids to daven at home?

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:46 am

My children are all 7 and younger.

They all know about davening, and some daven A LOT in school every day....

But on Shabbos/Sunday, only one of my children runs to his siddur. The rest just want to play.

How much do I push them?

One older one knows how to daven everything, including Shmona Esrei, but he just doesn't want to at home.

I usually tell him to daven tzitzis and shema but my husband wants him to daven more.

Today my DH told him he can't go on our Ch"M outing unless he davens a certain amount. He ran around the house screaming and crying his head off that he didn't want to daven so much.

I don't want him to hate davening...or my husband! But I don't want to coddle him either and be too easy on him (I feel my parents were way too easy on me).

Any advice?

amother

Ballota

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:27 pm

I have the same issue. I gently remind my kids and will push them to daven. I don't go and stand over them to ensure they do daven. I really don't want them to develop a negative attitude and feel forced to daven. I would rather talk with them (when they're old enough) about the importance of davening, what it means and why we daven. I feel like if they understand the why and value davening, they will be more likely to do it themselves.
I think it's important for kids to develop intrinsic values, because if the only reason they're doing something is because someone is essentially standing over them with a stick, once that person with a stick goes away, then they're likely to stop, and even more so, be resentful of davening.
And imo 7 is still very young. Would they do a group davening? One of them can be the chazzan, and they can all daven together.

Goody2shoes

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:34 pm

You don't push them at all, one reminder or two and thats it.
Children think of davening as a chore, something they are forced to do and then as they get older they loose interest in it all the way.
I'd put an emphasis on talking to Hashem and thanking or asking him even in their own words, doest necessarily need to be from a siddur. Siddur can come later when they're older and understand the words more.

Last edited by Goody2shoes on Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tan

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:40 pm

amother Banana wrote:

My parents pushed me and today I can’t Daven at all.

Same but I got loads of pressure in school as well. I don't get the 45 minutes where you MUST daven. What if I don't want to? What if I need longer? What if I want to daven at home? This made us so structured and strict and took all emotions out of it for me.
Today I retaught myself how to daven after struggling with this for so long. I had to turn my whole mindset from davening being a negative to actually wanting it.
OP, spare your children this feeling please.

amother

Phlox

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 12:41 pm

If he's crying it's because it's hard for him. Yes even if he does it in school. It was like that for me. And now I can't do it.
Please gently explain to your husband that he's crying because it's hard for him and you want him to want to daven. On his own. Let him do tzitzis and shema. Tell your son at a calm time when there's no davening needed, when you're ready to daven more, just let me know and I'll help you. Then don't push it for a few months. He may surprise you.

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:29 pm

I don't push at all. My oldest is 9. At the most I'll just say "now is a good time to daven if u want." Pushing doesn't get you anywhere except making the kid feel resentful and like it's a chore he needs to get over.

English3

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:35 pm

I dont push but I do encourage. I buy exclusive treats for davening and they want to daven. I love hearing them sing. However I dont check how much they daven, I let them tell me if they davened and I trust them.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:08 pm

If you push they will most likely resent it. My mother pushed me to daven so I just lied to her that I had davened but I never really did. BH I developed a true connection to Hashem in seminary.
What I do for my kids (thanks to my son’s third grade rebbi’s wise advice) is I daven with them! I start singing out loud songs from davening that they know and they often join in.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:12 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

I find as a teacher that kids who come from homes where davening is pushed have a much harder time with it.

7 is really young.

I am a teacher and I find the opposite, though I don’t know how hard the push is.

ImmaBubby

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:16 pm

Please.
Don’t.
Push.
I’m not even comfortable with the “charts” that go home from well- meaning schools. I feel like it encourages not telling the whole truth- and then possibly getting a prize for it.
They’ll get there.

little neshamala

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:25 pm

Oh my goodness, no pushing at all. Per our Rav-and this includes our nearly 11 year old son. We encourage gently "hey, want to Daven? Whatever you can, whatever you are able to Daven happily‐Hashem doesnt want tefilos that are unhappy". My 5 year old usually only wants to daven "the aleph bais song and modeh ani" (even though they do daven more in school), occasionally ani maamin as well. My 11 yr old used to only want to daven brachos and shema, between agea 8 and 10. I would gently encourage "how about something else" and if he would get annoyed our anxious I immediately withdrew and said "you dont have to! I was just suggesting an idea". By now he usually enjoys davening brachos, psukei dezimra, shema and shmona esrai, but sometimes he leaves one out lol.
By now my teenager usually davens a full tehila happily, and as a kid also davened the very bare minimum that he felt happy to do. Im sure sometimes he doesnt and that is fine too. Pushing doesnt accomplish a single positive thing.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:29 pm

Don't push, rather encourage and reward.
My kids get a small treat for davening and I daven with them to help.
Usually the 6 year old will bring me a siddur to help her daven and when she gets a treat it will sometimes prompt the 4 year old to daven but not always, depending on his mood and I don't make a fuss when he doesn't.
The cute part is when my nearly 2 year old asks for a davening treat and we sit davening together but she is adamant to do it with a Siddur. Heart

amother

Gladiolus

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 2:42 pm

Dh also pushes ds5 to daven. Sometimes he'll make him daven b4 we go on an outing and sometimes he'll let him daven in the car. Is that an option?
The hardest is when he wants ds to bentch Friday night when he's overtired after the meal

little neshamala

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:32 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

This is not good.
Please ask for hadracha about this

mommy3b2c

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:47 pm

I’m shocked . People push 5 year olds to daven?? I never forced my kids . I don’t even make them go to Shul . They do when they want , I have two bar mitzvah now and they both have no problem davening.