Mother doesn’t respect our no shoe rule

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:52 pm

To clarify, I don’t make guests take off shoes like if they are joining for shabbos lunch but my family who are here often and own slippers in my home and know it bothers me all wear the slippers aside from my mom.

amother

Clematis

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

She's holding her ground (with her shoes on!).

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

It must really bother her to take them off.

amother

Razzmatazz

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think she's letting you know loud and clear that it bothers HER to take them off.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Now I'm even more confused.

It's not important enough for you to ask guests and make them uncomfortable, so why do you ask this of your mother when you see she's clearly not comfortable with it?

amother

Camellia

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 9:57 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

Also it reminds people of shivas no shoes and it’s like being not fully dressed sorry

This.
My father lost his parent as a teen.
Growing up he was neurotic about us not taking off our shoes indoors and walking around in socks. I guess it reminded him too much of a very painful time in his life.

flowerpower

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:15 pm

No shoe zone should not be applicable to guest. It’s not a fair rule. Whenever guest come to our house and ask if they have to remove their shoes I tell them that they can do whatever they want…. You can’t make guest remove their shoes. Ease up on your rules!

imasinger

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:27 pm

OP, did your parents have a shoe-free home?

If not, you might want to consider whether the real issue is the extra dirt, or whether it's the sense that if she walks flat-footed and shod over your house rules, she's showing some kind of lack of respect of your adult self and your ability to make rules that are different from hers.

If you think there might be something to that sense that it's a lack of acknowledgement of your adulthood, you might want to think about whether that's the only possible explanation for her behavior.

Perhaps a reframe would make it easier to let it roll off you.

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:28 pm

Where are all these no shoe houses?

Where do you all live?

Im 40. Ive encountered this once. Thats back growing up oot at a not frum family friend that literally had marble floors in their entire house. Even at 8, I thought this a bit over the top. I was like, why get such fancy floors if you cant wear shoes?

Oh yeah, and in Montreal (but is no shoes in force in the summer? ).

Honestly id still be very taken aback if I was asked to remove my shoes in someone's house and feel verrrrryyyy uncomfortable.

If my dd or dil asked id hope I would accommodate, but I would also be very concerned about them (and uncomfortable).

Nothing on your mothers shoe is hurting your toddler.

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Woah. If you can fargin your lunch guests you can fargin your own mother.

I get shes there more often, but really. Shes your mother!

Cheiny

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:53 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

I’m not your mom

But

I can’t stand shoe free houses

I don’t take a hint. I take off my shoes if specifically asked. Otherwise shoes are staying in.

I think shoe free families don’t get that shoe families find it kind of gross to take off your shoes in some else’s house. Whether the issue is smell, shoes make the outfit, not wanting to walk barefoot, having a hole in your tights etc, I just can’t stand this rule. As yucky as you find it to wear shoes, I find it to not.

But I’m not your mom, who visits often. In fancy no one in my inner circle is shoe free. With you mom, if this is important to you, you’ll have to be direct and clear. And be ok with making her angry/annoyed

I agree. I think it’s unfair to expect guests to take their shoes off and have to walk around barefoot or in their socks in someone elses’s house. That’s very uncomfortable for most people.

Cheiny

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:55 pm

amother Snowdrop wrote:

We are also a shoe free home. I get very nervous from dirty or scratched floors and we take off shoes and ask guests to take off shoes when they come.
However I NEVER ask my parents. My father especially is uncomfortable doing so, he is a very regal person and doesn’t remove his shoes in public ever. He’s always fully dressed.
What do I do? I sweep and mop more often.
My kibud av is way more important than my floors. To even compare the two is laughable.
He is not being “difficult!” He’s my father!!!!

That’s nice that you don’t ask your parents to remove their shoes… but what if some of your guests are “regal” too or are otherwise uncomfortable taking off their shoes? Do they not deserve the same consideration as well?

Cheiny

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 10:57 pm

amother Wheat wrote:

Also it reminds people of shivas no shoes and it’s like being not fully dressed sorry

Indeed many people hold that they don’t walk around in socks as it’s a siman aveilus. My parents always told us this.

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why do guests need to be so difficult?

We are a shoe free house. For those that are not familiar with this, it means we take our street shoes off when we enter the house and wear slippers or house only shoes at home. We have small children including a crawler and like to keep our home this way.

My mother constantly’forgets’ the rule although there’s a big pile of shoes near the front door. We purchased expensive slippers for her and put them out when she comes. She is not an old bubbie who wears orthopedic shoes - she still wears quite the high heels so it’s not that.
She thinks it’s nonsense and she should be able to do what she wants when she comes to our house. I’ve hinted/given gentle reminders and she pretends not to get it. I don’t want to be a brat and ask more firmly but it really bothers me. I swallow it for kibbud eim but I really resent it.

I agree with your last sentiment, swallow it for kibbutz aim.
She’s your mother.
Signed,
A Canadian girl- here everyone takes off their shoes but I’d never say anything to my mother.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:05 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Indeed many people hold that they don’t walk around in socks as it’s a siman aveilus. My parents always told us this.

Yes this
Not a very common rule in frum homes for this reason!

amother

Freesia

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

She's your mom! I don't believe what I'm reading, that you have no problem making your mother take off her shoes! Unbelievably rude.
We all take off our shoes when we come in to the house. However, I don't ask guests to remove their shoes, I just suck it up. To ask a parent to remove their shoes, is next level chutzpah.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:10 pm

I agree with all above posters… just thinking, everyone is so nice and respectful to ops mom, if she said her husband didn’t want to follow the rule you would all be screaming, he’s controlling, wants you to clean more… etc…

amother

Freesia

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 11:11 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

She can't make her husband take off his shoes either.