AMA I am anti-babysitter and CIO

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amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:45 am

I believe the mainstream frum trend of sending infants to babysitters and also employing cry it out sleep training at a young age is borderline abusive.

AMA

amother

Geranium

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:46 am

So you are a sahm?

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:47 am

amother Geranium wrote:

So you are a sahm?

Yes

amother

Cherry

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:47 am

You do realize most people send to babysitters so they can work so they can pay the bills, right?

I was extremely fortunate to be able to be home with my baby for a year but most don't have that luxury

amother

Geranium

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:48 am

I wish I could afford to be a sahm. No questions just know you are very fortunate.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:52 am

amother Cherry wrote:

I don’t view staying home with my babies as a luxury I view it as a basic necessity that should only not be met in cases where other basic needs will not be met if you do not use a babysitter, such as food and shelter.

But even then only as a last resort when all other options have been tried. The vast vast majority of parents are way to quick to default to babysitters without trying to work out having a parent stay home, or even work from home part time.

I made it a priority to marry a Ben torah who also would go to work to support his family when his first child was born. I believe that choosing a lifestyle from the beginning where your babies will automatically be sent out as early as 6 weeks is neglectful.

There is much more of a choice in the matter than women like to claim.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:52 am

I am against CIO too.

But, after my first with no maternity leave and only receiving $150 a week on disability for 6 weeks I had to return to work. I was extremely extremely privileged and lucky that my mother watched DC from 6 weeks- 7 months. But your post is in extremely poor taste and reeks of privilege. Unless you are offering to either babysit for free, or support a frum family financially, you have no business starting a pointless AMA that only makes others jealous or angry at how obtuse you are being.

My job does not allow me to work from home at all. And many women choose to marry men in kollel and depend on the wifes paycheck.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:53 am

Easy to say when you don’t work. Please don’t make those of us who have no choice feel more guilt than we already do

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:54 am

amother Geranium wrote:

I wish I could afford to be a sahm. No questions just know you are very fortunate.

I am fortunate but I am also proactive. Prioritizing having a stay-at-home parent is more of a choice than woman like to pretend.

Did you look for a husband who would support his family once children were born? Did you ever put effort into learning a skill that could you earn you money from home and that you could do a few hours a day with young children around? Did you encrourage your husband to obtain skills or a diploma that would allow them to be a high earner? Did you give up on some “necessities” so that you don’t have to send out your infant?

It’s not just luck that allows me to be a SAHM and it’s insulting to insinuate that.

Everyone had the choice to at least try to make it work. Few do.

justforfun87

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:55 am

How much does your husband make?

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:55 am

amother Slateblue wrote:

Easy to say when you don’t work. Please don’t make those of us who have no choice feel more guilt than we already do

Read my earlier responses in this thread.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:57 am

amother Cappuccino wrote:

There is a lot more choice in the matter than people like to claim. Marring long term kollel is a choice. Choosing a more expensive living standard is a choice.

Be honest, how many young frum parents even TRY to make it work for one of them to be a SAHM? I know barely any. The default is a babysitter, instead of being a last resort.

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:00 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

How much does your husband make?

$300k. And I was also a SAHM when he made $40k and when he made $180k.

Earning a high salary is something not everyone can obtain, but everyone has the choice to at least pursue that path and earn the maximum they can. In general, when kids are young expenses are easier to keep low. And so if you are a SAHM until your youngest is 2 or 3, and THEN you go to work, that may work financially for you. But be honest, how many frum couples even attempt that.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

I did not marry someone in kollel because I was not supported in any way. To answer your question. I married a man from a yeshivish background with no formal education past the 8th grade. No vocational skills, poor English and no diploma. But, he was/is a hard worker. It took time for my husband to find something he is talented at, and even still he does not make great money yet. We depend on my salary. The default for us was not a babysitter. When we literally have $1000 in the bank account to last a month, I had to go back to work.

I went to school and spent close to 100k on a masters degree for my degree. We live in a small dump of an apartment in NY, and could barely afford diapers and formula at one point in our marriage. Where would you like me to cut out some of my expenses? Where is my "expensive" living standard a choice?

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:04 pm

I work from home with babies until I can’t anymore (usually around age 1) but it takes a huge toll on my mental health. It’s doing two full time jobs at once.

I would lose my mind as a SAHM and be a terrible parent. I need to work.

amother

Ballota

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

This post is horrible. Life doesn't always work that way. Many marketable skills where people thought they have lifelong jobs are now obsolete. People can put in 100% hishtadlus and parnassah just isn't in the cards for them. To make it seem like people have to work since they haven't put in adequate effort is so awful.
Signed,
A woman working against her wishes since her amazing DH developed adult ADHD and can't keep a job.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:06 pm

Would you only make shidduchim with families where the mom stayed home?

amother

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:07 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

It does sound like you at least explored other options before sending to a babysitter. This is a lot more than many do. Like I said above, when not sending to a babysitter will mean that basic need won’t be met, then you should send out your baby (to the best possible care option) after exhausting all other options. But it should never be the default because it ultimately is harmful to babies and has long lasting effects, which no one wants to admit. Of course, starvation is also harmful which is why if basic needs can’t be met then there is simply no choice. But it’s far from good.

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:08 pm

What makes you feel you know what is best for families other than your own?

Do you have lots of rigid viewpoints in other areas?

How would you feel if your children decided they wanted to send your grandchildren to babysitters and/or decided to sleep train with cio method?

Were you and your husband both raised with these viewpoints?

amother

Peony

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:10 pm

I could have written this post too!

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