I am an Irish triplet Ama

amother

Azure

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 2:23 pm

I grew up as the oldest of a large double digit family.
I honestly can't think of a single downside. In fact I often feel that my mom gave us the best gift she could-the gift of siblings!
We all have times we can give and times we need to take, but bc there are a lot of us there is always someone available to support and help.

Yes there were plenty of hectic times and lots of mess but better that it was for a new baby, bris or bar mitzvah then ch'v an illness or tragedy.

I grew up with the hashkofo that it's decreed how much tzaar gidul bonim someone is destined to have and it's divided up between all one's children. So in a large family it will be a school problem here, a dental problem there and the like.

I have quite a large family although not as large as my mom did, and this hashkofo has kept me going.

Before you throw tomatoes, I do believe in BC and have taken it at times, so I'm not saying that one has to keep having kids and have a nervous breakdown. I'm talking about normal healthy individuals.

And of course if H-shem decrees a smaller family it does not mean their kids will have more problems. So please don't take this post out of context.

amother

Mulberry

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 2:58 pm

Busybee5 wrote:

So she ended up with the same amount as me but I've spaced mine a lot in between (besides for the first 2) so I get to enjoy my baby's/kids as they grow up. It's really not clever to have so many so close together, it's easy to crash chas vesholom plus u really can't give that much attention to each child on their own. Twins is different, because you had no choice...

My niece has 4 under 3 (she might be 4 now!) Not clever. Why do it to yourselves. It's like they're saying they're better than you. Look I can cope! Well who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I had Irish twins, then Irish triplets, then my 4th a month after my oldest turned 4. Then I had a few year break between the rest of my kids. Honestly I found the first 4 so much easier. I'm not in a position now to have babies so close together but in no way do I regret my first 4 even if I end with the same number of kids. The number of kids was never my goal the decision was always what we could handle at that time. My older children are all teens now and they all tell me how they have such good memories from when they were young. And I enjoyed them just as much as I enjoy my spaced out children now. I enjoy them as teens too even if they make me want to tear my brains out sometimes Wink

amother

Gardenia

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 3:19 pm

watergirl wrote:

This is not fair. One of the best parts of this site is the ability to come on here and discuss and seek support for things that people need support for. It's really inappropriate to insinuate that all frum women have to think a certain way.

From what this OP said about her experience, her mother was great and was totally able to handle kids this close in succession. Other women here said they also had a good experience as a mother of kids that close. And yet as we do on imamother, others came on here and said they also were one of many, very close in age, and it was not ok at all.

Not everyone experienced a mother or themselves receiving extra kochos with each baby (and yes I'll go down this tricky road - not everyone experienced a mother or themselves receiving extra parnassa with each baby either). I think that might be Hashem's way of telling them to take a break. I'm not a rav or a neviyah obviously and this is a MAJOR shailah for your trusted rav.

Dilego, I am honestly so happy for you that you feel Hashem gave you what you needed to get by during times you were in need. But it's tone deaf and hurtful when you do that as a way to use religion and shame for those who don't get what they need. Because what they need may have been birth control, but religion was used to restrict it. The same Ribono Shel Olam who gives us children also gave us a way to manage our lives with the help of birth control.

The women who are here that you see as judging are writing through their lens, which was created through their lives and experiences. If a mother and father can partner with Hashem and bring neshamos down, of course it's beautiful! When it's abused, when the father checks out after his few minutes are over (which we see on this site WAY too often), when the mother leaves the older siblings to raise the babies (which we also see here WAY too often), it's not partnering with Hashem, it's a serious issue and I believe that in these cases, Hashem is trying to send kochos to get help, not to continue down a destructive path.

I also want to make you and others aware that there is such a thing as being addicted to pregnancy and childbirth, and even the first few months of having a newborn. You can google it, and I've linked info on this in the past. There are some women who have a literal addiction, and they need help, not to be lifted up as role models. Usually it's the children themselves who are the ones to pick up on the issues.

Wow these are great points!!
Can u link the info of the addiction thing?

amother

Gardenia

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 3:20 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

My friend knows someone who deliberately doesnt nurse just so she can have kids closer together.

Wow that is absolutely horrifying!!!!!!! I can't even react strong enough to how backwards this is

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 4:17 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

Wow that is absolutely horrifying!!!!!!! I can't even react strong enough to how backwards this is

At first, I was also horrified nursing is so good for the mom and baby... But you never know It's common when someone knows that they will be losing their fertility.. we cant judge! Dont know

amother

Azure

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 6:27 pm

I have a friend who is in the middle of 19 siblings!

She's the most healthy individual I've ever met!
So confident and OK with herself, and has a great relationship with her siblings.

Nothing fazes her, not even a bar mitzvah during the summer hols, which she catered herself. And it was a large event with all her siblings lol.

She just got on with it, no fanfare.

Large families are not something everyone can handle but don't knock everyone who has one.

amother

Hydrangea

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 6:45 pm

How is that possible then? Did your parents keep teharas mishpacha? 9x3 =27 months 14 (minimum)x3= 42 days...

Whoops wasn't thinking. Calculated an extra 9months Can't Believe It

amother

Starflower

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 6:54 pm

My mother had 4 kids in 3 years (one set of twins)
I’ll never forget how she was always stressed and overwhelmed
The curse words she used, the holes she made in the walls at times of stress, the perfection she expected from us….it wasn’t easy!

Everyone has to know what they can physically and emotionally handle!!

amother

Peony

Tue, Dec 19 2023, 7:10 pm

Same, sister.

She was literally addicted to having babies.

I don't know why her mother who lived round the corner didn't say anything. It was so bad for all of us. She isn't abusive or anything but few people could have so many births and children consecutively closely spaced and stay sane.

She didn't work and sent her kids out partly but it didn't help. She had cleaning lady too but there is only so much one mother can do. Little children need to spend time with their mother.

It's the only healthy way.

Busybee5

Wed, Dec 20 2023, 10:57 am

The op of the dh hitting thread said that her youngest 4 kids are all under 2 Can't Believe It

Hashem should help them.