Can you help me have some compassion

behappy2

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 3:23 pm

My daughter is friends with a neighbor, Chana, her age from a different school. This girl and my daughter are also both friends with another neighbor, Rina, who goes to the same school as Chana. My daughter and Chana were good friends until Rina moved in. My daughter gets along with both of them but since Rina moved in Chana snobs my daughter out. When they play together she can be mean to my daughter. Also recently a few times my daughter knocked on Chana's door on shabbos and she said she doesn't want to play now. Then Chana went to Rina a few minutes later. My daughter was very upset. This last time it happened I told my daughter we would go visit another friend a few blocks down. Turns out Rina wasn't available and Chana came back knocking on our door. I told her we were going to visit another of her friends. As a parent I am taking it personally. This girl is under 10 and I feel I should be bigger than this. It's possible that we aren't Frum enough and I know this other family can have an attitude about that so I wonder if it trickled down to the kid.

What can I do in this situation? Is trying to get her to hang out with other kids the best idea?

Although she gets hurt by this kid she isn't taking it personally like me. She just views her as a mean kid with bad middos 🙂

oneofakind

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 8:58 pm

It doesn't help your DD to take this personally. It could be in a few years they could be the best of friends again. Of course, she should look for new friends and not allow herself to be used when Rina is not around.

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 9:16 pm

My kids have a friend like this. And it’s not because of frumkeit. She just goes through stages where she’s only interested in certain neighbors and not my daughters, and treats them like a last resort. My girls play with her when it works for them. They learned that it’s usually not worth knocking on her door because she will turn them down. Sometimes they decide to try their luck anyway.

Let your daughter figure this out for herself. If the girl turns her down, that says nothing about your daughter.

behappy2

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 9:23 pm

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Thank you for this. I don't know why she is like this. But I do know that she looks down on my daughter for not being as Frum as her. My daughter is the type to knock again and again. She has no armouring.

I'm fine with her playing with the neighbor that she gets along with but this other girl is often there and she will be mean...

behappy2

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 9:24 pm

Is this a kind of situation where you would talk to the parent or the child?

When she knocked on our door I told her that we were going to a friend because she didn't have who to play with. I thought maybe to tell her straight out that it's because "you didn't want to play with her" I wanted her to realize that her actions have consequences. But then I thought they maybe it's not my place.

octopus

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 9:52 pm

And talking to parents can backfire on you big time. Some parents don't get involved at all and will not speak with their children. Let the kids be kids. Or they will deny. Or blame your child. Or think you are a nut.

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 10:09 pm

behappy2 wrote:

It doesn’t help to talk to either parent or child IME. They’re going to do what they do and you’re not going to change it.

If your dd is going to keep trying then I agree you need to redirect her to other friends.

That’s really frustrating that she’s losing her nearby friends. Hopefully this is a phase that will blow over.

behappy2

Mon, Oct 09 2023, 10:43 pm

octopus wrote:

I tell my girls if someone is sometimes nice and sometimes mean, that this person is not a friend. A friend is nice all the time, not just when it's convenient when there is nobody else to play with.

Usually I encourage my kids to have patience with their friends because kids are kids and most kids can be difficult to get along with some times. This feels more sophisticated than the usual fighting and it's mean spirited. It's an overall attitude instead of just a bad day.

I also feel bad for the kids who don't get along with other kids and encourage my kids to have patience with them but now I'm thinking that maybe I should encourage some friendships with some 'easy to get along' kids.