ADHD son and driver's license

amother

Fri, Oct 27 2023, 11:21 am

My son is 15. I am so, so nervous. I honestly don't think that most 16 year old boys belong on the road. I definitely don't think my son does.

He's on meds, and doing very well. But he doesn't think of risks the same way adults do, and I don't know that his focus is where it needs to be. Honestly, again, I don't think any of his friends do either. (I do have a younger son who could probably drive right now at 13 -- joking, but he's not a typical teenage boy either.)

We were originally thinking about dragging our feet and just "forgetting" to sign him up for driver's ed, the tests, etc. and not having time to finish the hours they need...but he's one of the youngest in his grade and a bunch of his friends are already getting their permits, so he's very aware of the process and trying to push us along. Dh thinks we should be honest with him about how ADHD affects the brain and why we'd like him to wait another year or so and take it slowly. He says better for him to be really upset at the beginning but hear where we're coming from, rather than being constantly upset that we're dragging our feet for a year. I'm just nervous that he's going to start saying that he doesn't have ADHD and he doesn't want to take meds (he's been compliant until now, has been taking meds since 2nd grade but has mentioned that he doesn't think they're doing anything...and they definitely are, when we rarely forget a pill he has horrible days but think it's everyone else's fault and has nothing to do with the lack of medication...)

Has anyone else been in this situation? What have you done?

amother

Bellflower

Fri, Oct 27 2023, 11:24 am

Can you let him get his permit but be very clear to him that you're not setting a time limit on when he's taking his license test?
So he can learn to drive under the supervision of a responsible adult and then you can take it from there?
Don't make it about the adhd, just say that you're being the judge of when he's ready.

amother

Dill

Fri, Oct 27 2023, 11:41 am

My son has ADHD and, imo, a bad case of it. He has been medicated since age 9 and has been driving since age 16, so for just about 2 years now.

He's never been in an accident, BH, and I think he's an average driver. My husband insisted he get his license on time but I had the same reservations as you. We made sure he practiced a lot (of course). We're in the midwest and luckily drivers are pretty calm here compared to the NY area.

My son's psychiatrist also told him not to drive late a night after his meds have worn off.

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Oct 27 2023, 12:18 pm

Plenty of people with adhd drive just fine, it's an important life skill. Let him get his license when he's eligible, you still control when he gets the keys. You can still have a rule that he can only drive with an adult in the car. You can keep that rule until you feel confident in his driving skills.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Oct 27 2023, 12:36 pm

My daughter has similar issues. We also live outside tri state and although most her classmates got licenses pretty young, we waited till she was out of sem. Then we used an app called “drive focus” which is like a game. It simulates driving on a road and the player needs to focus on driving signs and traffic road markings. This helps one filter out everything else coming at them and learn to focus only on the important road signs.

It really helped and still it took my daughter a long time till she was able to drive independently but bh she’s there now.

Hatzlacha and wishing you lots of patience!

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:20 pm

So he hasn't been to a psychiatrist for years, since his initial diagnosis when he was pretty little. He has textbook ADHD -- it's very obvious that that's what it is to every professional who has seen him. (They are constantly saying that he is a "textbook" case -- unlike one of his siblings who has a milder case that presents less typically.) He has been getting meds from his pediatrician because he B"H reacted fine to the first medicine tried, at the lowest dose, and has only needed to increase the dosage twice in the past 8 years. So I don't really have anyone to ask, except his pediatrician who is not really an expert in this area.

I know, I know, he's going to be comparing. And honestly it could be that the younger brother won't really care about getting his license -- he's that type. So we might be fine. But it still feels like it would maybe cause even more resentment if we don't tell him. I'm just not sure.

And for people who say that we still make the rules even if he does get his license...It's true in theory, but I feel like that's a recipe for exponentially more resentment. Although I guess it's less public, then, because he has his license at the same time as his friends? Interesting, that's something to think about.

I'd love to hear from more parents who struggled with the same question, and what they did, and how it worked out.

amother

Springgreen

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:33 pm

amother Celeste wrote:

Just a warning. Your son is definitely keeping track of how long it takes him to get a license and he will be keeping track how long it takes his brother.

Na. Lots of parents wait longer with a first then let the others have things quicker.

TwinsMommy

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:39 pm

Just know that if you allow a license and allow some unsupervised driving, he WILL push the envelope. My parents insisted on no freeway driving without them, no picking up friends, no radio..... I broke all those rules because I thought they were stupid. And I didn't have ADHD or even a rebellious nature--- I just hated them insisting on trying to control me. Better he should NOT have a license if he's not ready than to have a license but you trying to control his usage.

My kids are both this age (16, twins) and both have adhd with the addition of autism---- one twin MIGHT be ready to drive in the next few years but says she doesn't want to. One isn't even ready to walk around the block without supervision (watching for cars coming out of driveways? Singing to myself is more interesting). When either twin DOES show some readiness (likely my daughter) I'll be working with the local board of dd to determine how to proceed and have experts other than myself help make the decision. That's an option even though yours "just" has adhd.