Your Responsibilities & expectations of teen daughters

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:49 pm

What are your responsibilities && expectations of high school daughters.

Wondering whats normal

Many of us are struggling in this world where parents coddle their kids & were overcoming our own parentified past yet we're seeing adults now that are coming into the real world unprepared & lost

I just can't find the balance

amother

Anemone

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 8:58 pm

My teen girls are learning out of town so not the same.

When they are home, I expect them to keep their rooms clean, take care of their own laundry, participate in family cleanups and help Erev Shabbos. They are responsible for their own homework and studying. If I have to run out of the house I expect them to be in charge (I'll usually take the toddler and baby, but they know they're the adults in the house).

In general, if I need something done, I'll ask if they're available to do it. I accept a no (otherwise I'd tell, not ask). Sometimes I'll tell them the baby needs to be held and dinner needs to be made, can they choose one of those tasks.

I will pay them for babysitting outside of the norm (a few hours, or with the toddler home).

They are BH helpful and will offer to do things on their own, like organizing their siblings' drawers or having more frequent bath nights.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:00 pm

I have a hard time with this.
What I’d expect in theory and what I have koach ti implement is different.
Makes me wonder if having more babies doesn’t make sense. When I’m sleep deprived everything is as bdieved as can pass, including consistency and patience the things I need for that chinuch.

amother

Coffee

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's a hard balance. Mine just started ninth grade and it's been a huge transition from elementary. I don't expect anything right now except for her to stay on top of her homework and tests, make friends, get to school on time, keep her room reasonably clean, hang and put away her own clean laundry, and to clean up after herself wherever she leaves stuff around. She has one erev shabbos job of her choosing and one motzai shabbos job.

She has barely a second for herself, I don't want to ask her for anything more.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:09 pm

What about preparing their own breakfast lunch etc

Their laundry

Ironing

??

emee2

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:28 pm

I havé 2 teen girls at home and 3 little kids. I do all the cooking and I have a cleaning lady once a week. I clean my toilets every day.

My teens are expected to keep their rooms clean, wash and dry the laundry. I fold and put away and do things that need to be hand washed like tzitzis.
They wash dishes, help with the little kids, clean up after dinner. Tidy the playroom, put away groceries and anything else that needs doing. I try to make sure they have time for homework and friends they also do chesed and babysit.

emee2

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

What about preparing their own breakfast lunch etc

Their laundry

Ironing

??

I make breakfast. Our school gives lunch and on Sundays sometimes they make their own lunch and sometimes I make it, just depends what’s going on. I do all the ironing.

#BestBubby

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:52 pm

All kids 6+ should help for minimum 30 minutes on school nites

And 60-90 minutes on erev shobbos, sundays.

amother

Freesia

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:29 pm

As an teen,

I had to help take care of younger kids (feed them, give baths, do hair, hold babies, give bottles, change diapers) (not always and these weren't given to me as my own responsibilites but this is one way I enjoyed helping)
I had to keep my room clean
I had to do 1 cleaning job each week (vacuuming, mopping, bathrooms)
I had to help with cooking+cleanup for shabbos on Thursday nights
I had to contribute to household management like bringing in and putting away groceries, emptying garbage cans, clearing dinner table, setting the shabbos table

I am not sure if this sounds like a lot or not but one thing I do feel compelled to say is when your sons are home please divide up tasks evenly and don't treat them like they are on vacation and shouldn't be bothered. (Unfortunately this was my experience)

amother

Lavender

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

What about preparing their own breakfast lunch etc

Their laundry

Ironing

??

I'm preparing breakfast and lunch for the younger kids. If they want something different from what I'm making I expect them to help themselves (ie every day)

laundry I do, I expect them to hang up wet stuff and put it awa y when it's dry.
If I'm ironing anyway, I often ask them if they need anything. If I'm not, I expect them to do their own stuff. They like to iron all their tops, I am not doing that for them.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:37 pm

I definitely have a hard time seeing helping out with younger siblings as teens responsibility

amother

Freesia

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

I definitely have a hard time seeing helping out with younger siblings as teens responsibility

Why do you say that? If that's what they prefer...what is the issue?

amother

Anemone

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I definitely have a hard time seeing helping out with younger siblings as teens responsibility

I struggle with this too. But there is a major difference between making a teen responsible for childcare, and asking for childcare help.

Making responsible = teen must make sure child is dressed/fed/bathed etc. and is blamed if this is not done

Asking for help = mother is responsible, asks teen to dress (just today), feed (just now), or bathe (just now) younger siblings.

If a teen chooses bathing siblings as their daily or Erev Shabbos chore, that is also not the same thing as parentifying. They are taking on part of the family burden, and chose the one they prefer. They should of course be allowed to change their responsibility if desired, and not guilted if they are not home or won't have time one week, same as with any other chore.

#BestBubby

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 11:22 pm

Don't worry so much about "parentifying"

Worry about not teaching your children responsibility, life skills, which includes child care.

amother

Fern

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 12:44 am

Currently only have one teen daughter at home and my youngest son is also a teen.

When I had a few teens at home and younger children the bulk of their chores were centered around shabbos prep. Each one had a chore they preferred and that was what they did...one helped more in the kitchen, one preferred to help with cleaning etc . They were all expected to help serve and clear away from the shabbos meals, usually each one a differen course. We had a rotation going for dishwashing on motzai shabbos, each week one for dish washing and one for straightening out the living/dining areas.

During the week they were generally responsible one night a week for kitchen clean up but this was flexible depending on what they had going on with regards to homework/study/extra curricular activities. They occasionally cooked but only if they initiated, it was never placed on them by me.

I did all laundry but would request from whoever was around to help put folded laundry back in place.

They were responsible for their rooms, but every so often I would go up and do them properly lol.

From a certain age, they were responsible for preparing their food for school, but occasionally if I felt like treating them and I had time I would do it for them. They were never responsible for preparing food for siblings.

If I went out at night, they would babysit...they had no problems with it and also by the time I had a few teens, I only had two younger children as the oldest were all born really close together.

Looking back one of my girls did seem to shirk her responsibilities more than the others which would cause arguments.

At the the time they would sometimes mumble, groan and complain, but as adults I don't think any of them would claim that they were overworked and parentified. At least I hope not.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 3:21 am

One of my dds loves kids and would rather look after her siblings than do chores. So that's her responsibility on eruv shabbos. Another dd loves setting the table, and that's her job.
We have a list of things that need to get done and they can choose what they prefer to do.
I do the laundry and the food. I take responsibility for everything, but I expect them to pitch in and help out.

amother

Coffee

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 4:00 am

amother Freesia wrote:

You did a lot.

amother

Chambray

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 4:17 am

She takes her breakfast herself (we do cereal here). Homework, bedroom is on her. Friday she helps with getting house ready for shabbos (table,.dishes). She helps with folding laundry. My youngest doesn't need babysitting anymore but she did watch him when I used to go out to tutor a few years ago.

amother

Whitewash

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 4:20 am

I've never asked anything from my kids on a consistent basis. But I raise them to be kind.
So that if I need help lifting something or putting on a tablecloth I ask for help.
I never had any chores that I remember while I was growing up. But when I was asked to help of course I did. I had to keep my room neat but we also had a cleaning lady once a week. And we never brought food to the bedrooms. The only thing that upset me what when I was asked to clean up after my brothers. Like they would leave newspapers strewn all over the living room and I was asked to tidy it up. I tremendously resented that not because I resented helping my mother but because I resented the idea of boys not being asked to clean up after themselves.
At this point most of my kids can bake and cook a bunch of things. When they want to co this special for themselves and their friends they don't hesitate to do it themselves. One daughter irons because her dresses aren't permanent press. She knows it's on her.
They were never asked to do laundry but at this point they know when they want to re-wear certain things and if it is not in my schedule to have it ready on time they know how to do their own laundry.
This is how I grew up and I am a fine homemaker. No need to rush them. They will g-d willing have many years ahead to do household things. I am not worried that they will not know how.

notshanarishona

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 4:21 am

amother OP wrote:

What about preparing their own breakfast lunch etc

Their laundry

Ironing

??

I think once a kid is 14-15 they should be doing their own laundry and making their own lunches for school. All part of teaching independence.

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