Do you have such a kid? how to handle?

amother

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 12:45 pm

dd12 is very high maintenance. she needs a lot of stuff, treats, special activities, gifts, outings. she doesn't do well with routine and constantly wants things to fill her up. she's a happy kid BH but always asking and wanting more. she's extra and expects it to be that way.
it's affecting her behavior in school. she's smart but has no patience to sit still, she gets frustrated easily and expects school to only be fun and parties. shes isn't a baby anymore. idk how to get through to her that school and home isn't always fun. it's not always about ice cream and gifts and shopping and fancy food. her school is complaining about her behavior. I don't know how to help her adjust to growing up and realize that life requires effort and work and not only a shower of sweet things.
it also affects my relationship with her because of the 10 things she asks for per day I have to say no to 8 of them. I feel like a bad mother but I don't want her to be spoiled and "magia li". it won't help her in the long run. but this is the personality Hashem gave her. how do I guide her without squashing her or making her feel bad?

amother

Apricot

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:07 pm

Sounds like adhd. My daughter always wants entertainment and food. Constantly stimulation. I set boundaries all the time. Reinforce rules. I try to have healthy food around. Learn to say no. But give lots of actual attention. Encourage hobbies.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:07 pm

A 12 year old can earn money. Can she earn the money to get the stuff she wants? She might see it differently. Does she have any hobbies? My 13 year old dd spends a lot of time on hobbies. Won't solve the problem I admit but helps a little.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:09 pm

smss wrote:

Is it possible she has ADHD? Kids with ADHD have less dopamine and are constantly seeking dopamine hits.

I was going to come and say this. OP, yes, I have such a kid, and handling has been...challenging and also amazing, because she has amazing strengths, but also exhausting (emotionally, physically, all of it.)

She was in high school when she finally got an ADD diagnosis (the inattentive kind). Doctor told us this diagnosis is often missed in girls, because it presents somewhat differently, and the hyper is sometimes missing, or comes out differently than the boys (he said, with boys the Rebbe would have said, it's either me or him in the classroom, years ago. Because it's different with girls, the diagnosis often is missed, the symptoms present differently and come up later).

I wish we would have known, all the years we could have gotten her more help.

mha3484

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:13 pm

I grew up in a family that was very other oriented. A lot of volunteering and doing for others. I think it gave me a much more balanced outlook on material stuff. I really recommend getting out of her daled amos and going to do chesed. It also creates a feel of gratitude for what you do have.

I wasnt frum until college so for me I really saw a different world then I was used to so you don't need to go that far but I think you cant loose by helping her pick a chesed she can do for others.

amother

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:27 pm

she doesn't seem to match the online symptoms for adhd. she reads books and can spend time doing crafts. it's the neediness that's overwhelming. the expectations and the frustration when things aren't "special" that makes her upset. could that be adhd?

I would love her to do chesed but idk how or when or where. she helps out at home the bare minimum because helping is boring. her school doesn't have a chesed program and most of the people in my area are older than my family so they don't need mother's helper (while I could totally use it but that's not dd's problem)

how do I help her understand have self control in class? an added bonus would be to help her be happy just being and not needing needing needing. it's draining for a mother.

mha3484

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:33 pm

I really feel like the doing for others balances the needing needing but I cant help with the self control part sorry. At this age, I would go as a family. Chai lifeline, maot chitim, our local chesed warehouse are always looking for volunteers. Bikur Cholim too. Make it a mother daughter experience or father daughter if thats easier and see how it goes.

amother

Seablue

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:44 pm

My 11 year old son has some very similar characteristics that are causing us concern.
Smart but doesn’t like to work hard. Voracious reader with great ability to focus.
Bottomless pit when it comes to attention. And always asking for stuff. For treats for outings. He isn’t an only child but wishes he was. To the point he takes things and we are beside ourselves.
Following for direction and to let you know you aren’t on your own

smss

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 2:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

she doesn't seem to match the online symptoms for adhd. she reads books and can spend time doing crafts.

Not sure where you read that, but it's definitely possible to have ADHD and still enjoy and spend time reading and doing crafts.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 3:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

My DD is the world's biggest bookworm and can spend time doing crafts too. Forget Dr. Google and go to a qualified real doctor.

The more you describe her, the more she sounds like my daughter....

amother

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 3:44 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

My DD is the world's biggest bookworm and can spend time doing crafts too. Forget Dr. Google and go to a qualified real doctor.

The more you describe her, the more she sounds like my daughter....

what's a real doctor for adhd? her pediatrician? I should tell him the school complained about her and that she wants gifts and treats every day?
it never dawned on me she needs a doctor so where do I start?

we do chesed as a family and she loves it cuz it's fun and different. if we have guest, she's thrilled, if we visit elderly she loves going and coming, she needs any change in routine. when I cook for other families she loves the chaos. it's not teaching her anything for now, but hopefully for the long run.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 3:51 pm

My 14 year old is literally exactly this- naturally intelligent but has no patience to sit through school and follow the tight schedule and rigid rules, talented and very into crafts but always needs new and exciting and junk and treats and outings and this scooter and that bike and this gadget and and...it's utterly exhausting. I'm hoping he'll grow it out of it. Yes he has adhd and thats definitely part of the picture. We're trying to harnass that need for new and exciting for good things and to excel etc, but its really hard and we feel kind of lost.
The good news is my husband is kind of like that, but it makes life fun, he uses it in a good way.

amother

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 3:53 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

wow. this made me tear up. literally exactly what my daughter is like. it's draining. finances are not endless. I have other kids that are happy and ok, she keeps raising the bar one day after getting something big she already moved on to her next big thing.
she actually has wish lists written in her journal and constantly gives me updated ones.
it's shocking to me that this could be related to adhd. never have other issues with her.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 3:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

There is a questionnaire called Vanderbilt adhd screening that lists a variety of behaviors. Adhd doesn't look the same in all children. It means their brain is wired differently than most. Some kids have hyperness, some impulsive and some inattentive. And some a mix. My oldest has all 3. My son is inattentive. And many very smart and successful people have adhd.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 3:57 pm

Don't listen to me - but this does not sound like ADHD to me. You sound like a great mom. My friend has a daughter like this - always needing this or that. My friend struggles financially and really can't afford her daughters requests... It's hard. I don't know if this is helpful - but when you say no to her - do so with the least energy possible. For example if I asked you, is it raining today - you'd just say no. Simple. No energy. No guilt. No drain. No second guessing yourself. Just a calm quiet no. I don't know if this helps and it's not easy to raise a kid like this. Assuming she's growing up in a home with good values - she'll get there! IYH!

amother

Melon

Mon, Nov 06 2023, 4:19 pm

This honestly sounds like me as a kid and I was only diagnosed with ADHD at 25. ADHD can present differently in girls.
I didn’t go to therapy until I was 24 so I eventually learned on my own to cope with my adhd. Not everyone is capable of that though.
My parents were very frugal and ran a tight ship regardless of whether or not they had the money for things. I wasn’t given most things I wanted. Once a year they’d give in to one of my bigger requests, if they could afford it.
So I still had those needs and wants but I knew I wasn’t getting them from my parents and that was it. I sometimes saved up to get myself what I wanted.
It’s entirely possible that your daughter doesn’t have adhd but I’d get her into therapy anyway since it can only help