I keep yelling at my dd :(

amother

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:34 pm

Younger elementary. I don’t know why this particular child knows how to get to me like this. She will literally yell to wake up the baby, fight with the other siblings physically (starting up), ignore all requests for homework, bath time, go to sleep… I know she is sensitive and needs a ton of love but when she is acting so self- centered and harming those around her I just lose it on the tenth round and trying to calmly get her to stop. I yell. I say mean things like that is babyish behavior and no one will want to hang out with you if this is how you act. Tonight I picked her up and did not allow her into her bedroom because she was waking up the child who sleeps with her. I’m ashamed of the parent I become to this child. I feel like I just get so upset and I can understand why some parents smack their kids. Or maybe my yelling is worse Sad

Yes, I usually apologize when things calm down. But at the end of the day she never apologizes.
I know she’s sensitive.
I know she needs tons of love, way more than the others (but I can’t do things at their expense!)
I know she’s passionate and angers quickly.
She also seems to be way more self conscious.
I try so hard to tell her I love her and compliment as much as I can.

What’s everyone’s take? How do I deal with this? I want a good relationship and I want her to be comfortable in her skin. I want her to be kind and considerate to others. I just feel like whatever I do isn’t enough, and I break before I get there.

amother

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 10:44 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

I’m a young parent and don’t have much to say, but you can find out her love language and focus your energy on that love language specifically to get the most bang for your buck.

I’m pretty sure it’s gifts. We buy her a ton, more than the other children. But it’s never enough. It’s not even about the toys- she’ll forget about them a few days later. But she loves receiving them and always asks for stuff.

And now I keep threatening that she won’t get a chanuka present if she acts this way 🙈. I know. Threatening is a great parenting technique.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 10:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe keep a stash of cheap chatchkes from the dollar store or small nosh/pastries. Wrap them nicely so it feels special. Give it to her one at a time at random times just because.

amother

Forsythia

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 12:30 am

When I find I’m having a hard time connecting to my child I usually go on a date with them. Just two of us or two of us and baby. It helps me remember that I do like them and then I’m able to handle whatever attitude they give me for a while.

be good

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 12:44 am

I think the gift requests are her attempt to fill a void that she is feeling, not an indication of her love language.

I would recommend trying to make time for 10 minutes of special one-on-one time with her as many days a week as you can. Has worked wonders for my kids in difficult phases.

It's so hard! But it will get easier.

amother

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 12:49 am

be good wrote:

She’s the one who needs my to lay next to her an hour every night to fall asleep… and still sometimes ends up in my bed in middle of the night. She’ll also sit on my lap whenever she can. She really does take up most of the attention here.
But I will try to be mindful to shmooze more and not just physically be there.

amother

Aconite

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 12:59 am

amother OP wrote:

You are describing my DD to a T!
Oh my I can so relate!
Did you check her for PANDAS? Because my child was having same behavior issues and we ended up doing blood work and finding out she is pandas.

amother

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 10:04 am

amother Aconite wrote:

You are describing my DD to a T!
Oh my I can so relate!
Did you check her for PANDAS? Because my child was having same behavior issues and we ended up doing blood work and finding out she is pandas.

My understanding is that PANDAS has sudden onset…. My dd has been like this since she was born.

honey36

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 10:16 am

Have you asked her why she does the negative behaviors? Why would she wake the baby up? Now you will have to care for baby and have less time to give her attention. Does she understand consequences of her actions?

My kids know if they don't get ready for bed on time, there will be no bedtime story or I won't lie down with them etc because it will just be too late and I need to prepare snacks for tomorrow or clean the kitchen or whatever.

Sibling rivalry - that ones a bit harder. If she is constantly the one starting up and the others are completely innocent, I would give her a few warnings and then yes, a punishment like no chanuka present. Empty threats are not ok, but punishments once in a while I think are fine.

amother

Natural

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 10:17 am

Give yourself a consequence every time you raise your voice to her for example sitting down and writing 25 times I remain calm even when I am frustrated or not having a chocolate or something that you appreciate or look forward to...this works to rewire your brain

You are one step ahead by having the awareness

Please notice nobody in the world can make you do anything it's not her fault that you yell at her

amother

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 10:28 am

Re sibling rivalry- she’s very sensitive. So if a sibling would brush past her accidentally which most people would not think twice about, she would holler in pain. She will be very jealous if older sibling has a friend over. She feels very deeply and never thinks she’s the one who started up; it’s just that she can’t let things go. I speak to her older siblings all the time about being very careful around her not to set her off and they are constantly giving in to her but is that fair? Things like waking the baby- she’ll say she tripped and it hurt so she’s screaming and if I tell her to leave the room or try to quiet down she feels like no one even cares.

I know that her issues are separate from my own. I need to model the right way to react and not yell if I don’t want her to yell. And sometimes I’ll just be so burnt out from begging her to take a bath or go to sleep that I’ll be like forget it take care of yourself I’m going to bed and I’ll just go to my room and ignore everything. My kids hate when I do that Sad

I see the consequence for myself use- maybe that’s a good one. Will keep me more cognizant of my actions.

amother

Wallflower

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 11:38 am

my DD to a T they are highly sensitive and deeply feeling kids. Please don't punish yourself; anyone that doe not have this type of child cannot understand.

the biggest help for me is Dr Becky's videos it really helps me understand my child AND be kind to myself

amother

Chicory

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 12:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I see the consequence for myself use- maybe that’s a good one. Will keep me more cognizant of my actions.

This is how my daughter was. I listened to are your hands full. By Dr s. Yaroslawitz. I implemented it. Helped a ton! Her method is perfectly made for these kids!

joonabug

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 12:36 pm

is she happy in school? does she have friends? get good grades? does she feel good abt herself in general?
my brother was like this and he eventually opened up that kids were mean to him and so he had bad self esteem and thats why he was so sensitive. he really believed everyone was out to get him, and he was just the victim.