Dd 12 wants a phone

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:41 am

Don't know what do to. My 7th grade dd has been crying for a phone that she can use to make calls and texts. Everyone in her class has one except for her. Dd says that she feels left out that Everyone is talking about their texts from the night before at school except her. I understand that everyone in her class has one but it feels too young to me. She's 12! She's been using my phone till now but she says she wants her own phone. Can someone smart guide me as to what the right thing to do.

amother

Opal

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:44 am

amother OP wrote:

If all her classmates have and you don’t want her to she’s probably in the wrong school for your family.
Maybe discuss it with her principal?
My school doesn’t allow girls to own their own phones so I don’t have to argue with my DD and make her be different than her classmates.

salt

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:47 am

amother OP wrote:

You know that everyone in her class has one, or she says that everyone in her class has one?
There is a difference.

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:47 am

The class older than her , they don't all have. It's her class that all has. Plus what's the point in talking to the principal when they already all have phones?

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:48 am

salt wrote:

You know that everyone in her class has one, or she says that everyone in her class has one?
There is a difference.

There's only 15 girls. They all have phones with only text and phone calls.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:51 am

If you have verified and are sure that everyone really has one I would get her the phone. I’d tell her that you have permission to check on it and see what she is doing if you’re really worried about stuff.

#BestBubby

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 1:53 am

If you sent her to a school where everyone has phones, you should allow.

People, be careful when you pick schools.

The most important thing is what type of kids go to the school, who the friends will be.

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 2:03 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This is a frum school ie no tvs etc...its not a modern school .

#BestBubby

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 2:07 am

I guess kids with own phones is a new thing so the school did not have a rule against it.

Elementary school should not have phones.

And HS kids should have dumb phones with no text

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 2:09 am

#BestBubby wrote:

I guess kids with own phones is a new thing so the school did not have a rule against it.

Elementary school should not have phones.

And HS kids should have dumb phones with no text

Can you please teach me why text is bad?

cnc

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 2:45 am

My kids got phones at that age. They traveled for school so it was for safety purposes. Talk only, no text. I also discourage them from using them at home (even the high schoolers). Many of their friends have text but I’m of the attitude that the phone serves a specific purpose and using it for other purposes is a huge time- waster and distraction and B”H they understand my point of view and comply.
(I hope it stays this way.)

My attitude is why does a 12 year old need to be busy wasting their evenings texting their friends. Meaningful relationships and friendships happen by speaking …
However, when their whole peer group has it , it’s really hard to be the odd one out.

Have you tried explaining to your child why you don’t think it’s a good idea?

salt

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 2:48 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you please teach me why text is bad?

It's a big time waster and addictive.

But then again, my DD speaks on the phone for a long time every evening to her friends.
Not sure why that's different to texting.

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 2:59 am

She keeps saying that if I get her a phone without texting then she doesn't even want one. She's like then I could use the house phone. Her friends text after school and then talk about it at school. She wants to be part of it.

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 3:01 am

cnc wrote:

Yes I've spoken to her. She says but the whole class has one and if you don't want me to have one, you shouldn't have put me in this school.

LovesHashem

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 3:07 am

What about a family phone that's shared by everyone. Rules that the phone gets turned off at x time, it's not taken out of the house etc.

It's not fair to be the only person without a phone. Your phone is yours and it's frustrating for both of you it it's used hu both of you.

#BestBubby

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 3:08 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you please teach me why text is bad?

I think the texts gets forwarded.

It often becomes loshon horah and bullying.

See, your DD wants the texting, not phone access.

amother

Grape

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 5:43 am

Honestly I’d tell her I’m thinking about switching her school and/or class and mean it

While not good to be the one person out in the social group I also wouldn’t cave to peer pressure on the few things to which I am adamantly opposed
I’d reach out to the hanhala and ask them to put a stop to it and make a rule no phones and enforce it
At least they could do like a no phone campaign for the week for the month etc or tell parents they have to switch to phones with no texting
Better than you attempting to do so through the parents which would backfire
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Arcticblue

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 6:13 am

All the Lakewood schools do not allow text and most of the schools make you sign that you will not text even if using a parents phone.

What’s wrong with text?
Much easier to text the wrong person - you don’t know who’s on the other side
It’s not a real relationship and your daughter is at an age where she needs to be forming real relationships.
It creates a dependence on the phone “did she answer? Did I miss anything”
People feel free to write things they’d never say in person - it’s kosher if I end it in lol
There could be lots of memes sent around that are completely inappropriate

And more.

I would suggest talking to the principal. Perhaps she can start an internal campaign convincing the girls to give it up

amother

Mintcream

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 7:31 am

When my daughter was around that age. I spoke to her principal with the same question. She was in a large OUT BY type community school with a range of types of girls. The girls that she was friends with were texting each other, although other girls
In the grade did not text.
And the principal (white beard and all) shocked me by saying that if her friends have phones and text each other, then the correct approach would be to get her a phone. Because at this age, it’s crucial for a girl to feel accepted socially. Being the only one in the group who doesn’t text will cause a lot of resentment towards her parents and not accomplish anything positive. He felt it was important to meet each child where she is holding.