I was patched as a kid. I patch as a mom. AMA response pg10

amother

Clover

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:08 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

Poor kids. Ya know there are better tools?

Please do share your list, I'd love to have more options for when a kid has gone that far out of bounds and nothing I say seems to make an impression.

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t mind people who parent without patching.

But are you toxic because you cant patch? Bc that’s worse.

Why is it either being toxic or potching? There are many wonderful positive alternatives. But this thread is obviously not meant for discussing those...

mommy3b2c

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

No I don’t patch on impulse. (I wouldn’t judge someone that does though, and say that the kids are doomed, kids are resilient and can understand the cause and effect).

Some kids do really well with reward and punishment. Knowing if they cross a line they will get a patch. If they know the rules of what line they are crossing, they are warned, and the patch is given without anger it is so helpful to them and they do so well with it.

I know this as a kid and as a mom.

Disgusting . Stop being lazy. Be a parent .

amother

Cappuccino

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agree. I never said beating. Patching. And as I mentioned earlier, my kids get warned, they know why and it’s never done out of anger. I’m calm when I patch them.

If you're that calm and proactive, can't you come up with better consequences that don't involve hitting?
What kind of behavior warrants a calm potch?

writinggirl

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:16 pm

Cannot wrap my head around this at all… I would never want my children to see me hit them.
But since you said AMA… when was the last time you hit your child and what did they do to “deserve” it?

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:21 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Why is it either being toxic or potching? There are many wonderful positive alternatives. But this thread is obviously not meant for discussing those...

Because typically when a child is never taught that the parent is in charge then the children are self centered brats and the parent is resentful and toxic. I’m not saying always. But that’s a very common theme. Also, sure go ahead and add some positive alternatives.

chocpretzel

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

No. Not their place.

If the potch is so ‘helpful’ and helps your kids with boundaries and it’s done in a ‘calm’ state of chinuch then why is it ok for you to do to them and not their teachers? During school hours, the teacher is giving them chinuch and helping them with boundaries so if you say it’s ok for you to do, then it’s hypocritical to say the teachers can’t.

And if it bothers you so think of someone else hitting your child, even calmly, then it’s time to rethink yourself hitting them.

amother

Peru

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you feel like you need to hit your child to show that you're the one in charge, there's something bigger going on. Children should respect their parents and in a healthy home it should not need to be enforced with hitting.

amother

Gardenia

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:23 pm

chocpretzel wrote:

There are plenty of other ways to give negative consequences that don’t involve inflicting pain.

Doesn’t have to inflict pain

chanatron1000

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

You're equating two things that are not the same.

amother

Peru

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:24 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

Doesn’t have to inflict pain

Even if a potch doesn't cause much physical pain, it comes along with a tremendous amount of shame.

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is sad. So you feel the only way to teach a child that the parent is in charge is by hitting. Otherwise the parent will be resentful and toxic.
This goes to show that if you don’t heal the abuse from your childhood you’re bound to raise your kids the same way.
I’m sad for you and for your kids.
It won’t help if I give you a few positive alternatives. You need parenting lessons and healing from your unhealthy childhood. I suggest you break the cycle of abuse now instead of bragging that you’re continuing it.

Last edited by NechaMom on Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:28 pm

Rappel wrote:

How do you finish the conversation after the hit, and show the kids that it's done and that you love them?

When they need a patch I send them to their room and they wait till I’m calm. I go talk about what they need a patch for. We discuss if they can do without a patch. If they still need a patch then I give a light patch and ask them if it was hard enough.

Im asking to see if the respect was restored. Are they behaving like a mentch? Are they regretful? If at any point I see they are back on track im done. I don’t NEED to patch them. It just needs to be an option. Bh it’s very infrequent that I need to actually patch. And most kids don’t need any. The concept is enough.

But I don’t need to tell them I love them after the patch bc they know I love them during the patch. It’s calm. I’ve told them many times that it’s my job to teach you how to be a mentch and if you need a patch then that’s a hard part of my job, but I’ll do it.

amother

Papayawhip

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:29 pm

I read this and thought op was using eye patches, and was going to ask why she’s against atropine eye drops. That made this thread very confusing … I think a potch is worse than a patch though

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:30 pm

amother Papayawhip wrote:

I read this and thought op was using eye patches, and was going to ask why she’s against atropine eye drops. That made this thread very confusing … I think a potch is worse than a patch though

That’s what I wrote on the immediate reaction thread...

amother

PlumPink

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

this is gross
I hope they patch you back

sequoia

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:30 pm

NechaMom wrote:

This goes to show that if you don’t heal the abuse from your childhood you’re bound to raise your kids the same way.
I’m sad for you and for your kids.
It won’t help if I give you a few positive alternatives. You need parenting lessons and healing from your unhealthy childhood. I suggest you break the cycle of abuse now instead of bragging that you’re continuing it.

This.