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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
Read thread before voting - which option?
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| Mom should bring both kids to the wedding, the kallah wants her there. |
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3% |
[ 6 ] |
| Mom should sadly miss this wedding. The kallah clearly prefers she not attend. She knows the mom’s situation. |
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96% |
[ 154 ] |
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| Total Votes : 160 |
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:04 pm
WWYW (what would you want) your guest at your wedding to do in the situation?
You are getting remarried, and many of your friends are divorced as well. One friend is a fellow single mom and her 2 kids have special needs (as does she) but she’s blissfully unaware of her and her kid’s needs. Kids are between 3-7. You invite the older child but you specify to the mother that she cannot bring the younger child because you’ve seen the kids at many weddings and when the mom brings both kids, it’s a disaster. Shmorg food ends up on the kallah’s gown, on the floor, everywhere. They grab the bridal bouquet for photos - the mom encourages it actually. The ladies with bouquets are asked to let the kids hold them and play kallah. This and more, and it is predictable because it happens at many weddings. The mom can’t watch both kids at once. The kids end up being a tircha on the rest of the guests.
You invite the mom and the older child and don’t want the younger kid there at all - and you make that very clear to mom.
The mother does not have reliable babysitters, nor does she make an effort to find a sitter. You have offered to help the mom find a babysitter for the wedding and you know that other people have tried as well. The mother just says she can’t find anyone and laughs.
Mom decides to attend with both of her kids. She says she has no choice because she’s a victim here. She says she will stay for just the KP but she is likely to stay for all of it. She often pops in on weddings and stays the whole time, putting her kids at plates and feeding them - without an invitation.
I am this young mother’s mentor. I am married, but I was a single mom for a while so I can relate to some of the struggle. I also gave her names of babysitters, and I know she did not call them. One of them is a chessed babysitter - free. I suggested she not attend this wedding because the kallah made it extremely clear not to bring the youngest kid.
So if you are the kallah, which poll option do you choose?
ETA - To clarify, I’m asking if I advised the young mother properly (not to bring the younger child) and should I have been more firm and clear to push her not to go? She discarded my advice.
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amother
Orange
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:10 pm
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I vote kallah loves this mom and does not want to hurt her feelings, and would rather neither child attend but understands that may not be possible. The friend should respect the kallah's clear boundaries and is not a friend if she cannot do that. This is the kallah's wedding, not hers - she has no right to ruin it. Stay home.
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amother
Aqua
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:13 pm
| amother OP wrote: | WWYW (what would you want) your guest at your wedding to do in the situation?
You are getting remarried, and many of your friends are divorced as well. One friend is a fellow single mom and her 2 kids have special needs (as does she) but she’s blissfully unaware of her and her kid’s needs. Kids are between 3-7. You invite the older child but you specify to the mother that she cannot bring the younger child because you’ve seen the kids at many weddings and when the mom brings both kids, it’s a disaster. Shmorg food ends up on the kallah’s gown, on the floor, everywhere. They grab the bridal bouquet for photos - the mom encourages it actually. The ladies with bouquets are asked to let the kids hold them and play kallah. This and more, and it is predictable because it happens at many weddings. The mom can’t watch both kids at once. The kids end up being a tircha on the rest of the guests.
You invite the mom and the older child and don’t want the younger kid there at all - and you make that very clear to mom.
The mother does not have reliable babysitters, nor does she make an effort to find a sitter. You have offered to help the mom find a babysitter for the wedding and you know that other people have tried as well. The mother just says she can’t find anyone and laughs.
Mom decides to attend with both of her kids. She says she has no choice because she’s a victim here. She says she will stay for just the KP but she is likely to stay for all of it. She often pops in on weddings and stays the whole time, putting her kids at plates and feeding them - without an invitation.
I am this young mother’s mentor. I am married, but I was a single mom for a while so I can relate to some of the struggle. I also gave her names of babysitters, and I know she did not call them. One of them is a chessed babysitter - free. I suggested she not attend this wedding because the kallah made it extremely clear not to bring the youngest kid.
So if you are the kallah, which poll option do you choose? |
Invite her without any kids.
2nd weddings are often small and intimate with no kids.
My own kids were not invited to mil 2nd wedding.
Perfectly normal where I come from.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:15 pm
| amother Aqua wrote: | Invite her without any kids.
2nd weddings are often small and intimate with no kids.
My own kids were not invited to mil 2nd wedding.
Perfectly normal where I come from. |
The wedding in question is not small and there will be kids there. Remember, I said that the older child was invited.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:19 pm
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I will add, that I suspect the mother brings the children to so many weddings, so she has one less meal per week to have to prepare and pay for for her children. Again, having been in her shoes myself, I understand the struggle of providing for your children as a single parent sometimes. I think that this was a major blow for her to be told not to bring one of her children. Her general parenting policy is that if she cannot bring her children, she will not go herself, and she gets highly offended. She seems genuinely shocked that she was asked not to bring the child, nobody has ever done that line before, although people want to. I know this because people know my relationship with her and they have told me themselves when asking what to do. I tell people only to invite who they want to be there.
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amother
Amber
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:22 pm
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It's unclear what you are asking, as it doesn't seem as though your mentee is going to take your advice anyway. She is ignoring the kallah's request, and she isn't getting a babysitter like you suggested to her. Is she really going to listen to you if you tell her stay home or to attend only with one child? What sort of advice are you looking for here, if she is going to disregard anything you tell her anyway?
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amother
Thistle
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:23 pm
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If the kallah felt strongly enough that she made it clear the younger one is not invited, there really is nothing unclear about it. The younger one can't be there.
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amother
Navyblue
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:23 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | The wedding in question is not small and there will be kids there. Remember, I said that the older child was invited. |
I'm not sure what your question is, obviously she shouldn't bring the 2nd child but if you know she isn't going to arrange a babysitter then you have a problem without a solution.
I wouldn't invite any kids. My daughter just go married and other than 2 nieces/nephews of the Chosson/ Kallah there were no kids there. There were a few other grandchildren under the age of 2/3 and all their parents drove them home after the Chuppah so the parents could enjoy the wedding and the kids could have a normal nights sleep.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:27 pm
| amother Amber wrote: | | It's unclear what you are asking, as it doesn't seem as though your mentee is going to take your advice anyway. She is ignoring the kallah's request, and she isn't getting a babysitter like you suggested to her. Is she really going to listen to you if you tell her stay home or to attend only with one child? What sort of advice are you looking for here, if she is going to disregard anything you tell her anyway? |
Ok thanks. To clarify (and I’ll clarify in my op also) - I’m asking if I advised the young mother properly (not to bring the younger child) and should I have been more firm and clear to push her not to go? She discarded my advice.
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amother
Amber
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:30 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Ok thanks. To clarify (and I’ll clarify in my op also) - I’m asking if I advised the young mother properly (not to bring the younger child) and should I have been more firm and clear to push her not to go? She discarded my advice. |
What do you mean by more firm? You can't exactly forbid her to go. It sounds like she isn't going to listen to your advice unless it dovetails with her preferences.
I mean, maybe you can offer to babysit the younger child and since you are her mentor, she will agree to that--this way she doesn't need to seek out a babysitter. Or, if not, and you honestly believe it is a matter of a free meal, you can offer to babysit the child in your home and provide dinner for the child or order the child and the babysitter some pizza as a treat.
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amother
Navyblue
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:31 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Ok thanks. To clarify (and I’ll clarify in my op also) - I’m asking if I advised the young mother properly (not to bring the younger child) and should I have been more firm and clear to push her not to go? She discarded my advice. |
No, she's and adult an she made her own decision. You can force or even push her to listen to you. You did the right thing.
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amother
NeonYellow
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:32 pm
I think it needs to come from the Kallah or the Kallahs family, that while they would love to have the mother there, kids aren't invited to this wedding, and if she can't arrange a babysitter then they will be sorry to miss her at the wedding, but this wedding is not for children.
Assuming that you are invited to this wedding as a regular guest(ie not the Kallah herself or close family), can you be the gatekeeper for her? Like if she comes with both kids in tow can you be like "oh I'm sure the Kallah will be so happy to see you! Let me stay outside with your kids so that you can run in and say Mazal Tov. I know that the family will be thrilled to see you but this wedding is really not the place for children."
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amother
NeonGreen
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:32 pm
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I think its a weird situation and clearly the mother is a bit socially off. I think its wrong to tell the mom she cant bring a specific child, the kallah should have said straightly that no children are allowed. Simple
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amother
Orange
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:34 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Ok thanks. To clarify (and I’ll clarify in my op also) - I’m asking if I advised the young mother properly (not to bring the younger child) and should I have been more firm and clear to push her not to go? She discarded my advice. |
You were right to tell her not to bring the younger child.
You probably could have been more firm and clear that it is better for her to stay home than to bring both children.
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amother
cornflower
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:36 pm
She should not bring the young child under any circumstances. If she is not willing to leave the child with a babysitter, she simply cannot attend herself.
I am very sorry, but it is not her simcha. It is not about her needs or what is best for her. Normally, I would tell the Kallah to be mevater and see if she can make it work, but in this situation it sounds as though the guest is being selfish and inconsiderate to ba’ali simchas. If the child would sit quietly and it was an issue of buying another meal, or making some space at the table-absolutely, but it sounds like she turns it into the guest show without regard for others.
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amother
Orange
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:36 pm
| amother NeonGreen wrote: | | I think its a weird situation and clearly the mother is a bit socially off. I think its wrong to tell the mom she cant bring a specific child, the kallah should have said straightly that no children are allowed. Simple |
There will be other kids there. But these specific kids are problematic.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:44 pm
| amother Amber wrote: | What do you mean by more firm? You can't exactly forbid her to go. It sounds like she isn't going to listen to your advice unless it dovetails with her preferences.
I mean, maybe you can offer to babysit the younger child and since you are her mentor, she will agree to that--this way she doesn't need to seek out a babysitter. Or, if not, and you honestly believe it is a matter of a free meal, you can offer to babysit the child in your home and provide dinner for the child or order the child and the babysitter some pizza as a treat. |
Happens to be I have a school event conflicting with this wedding so I cant babysit. I’ve offered in the past and she always has a reason to decline. And then she brings her kids everywhere she goes.
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amother
Bisque
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:45 pm
She will assume if 1 child is invited, then it is not so bad to bring the other. And in the past she did not even bother calling the names of babysitter that were provided. Why should she do so now? Hard situation, because she most likely will bring both children. even if they weren't invited.
Maybe she wants the meal. so instead offer to get the kids dinner instead the night of the wedding??
Some people won't do what ever they tell them. From what you are writing, She is oblivious and does not think there is a problem, from her actions at other weddings.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:45 pm
| amother Orange wrote: | You were right to tell her not to bring the younger child.
You probably could have been more firm and clear that it is better for her to stay home than to bring both children. |
Thank you.
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