Doing the things u don't let your kids do

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:32 am

So I'm seeking clarity on this topic wondering who can give any insight

I specifically wondering for ex certain genres of music or reading certain types of books. I'm trying to analyze the fact where dh & I do allow ourselves from time to time to listen to genres of music that we would not let our children listen to or reading types of books we wouldn't want our kids to read

And one hand I feel like we are grown adults and making our own decisions and my children's minds are still delicate and soft and developing on the other hand it feels like double standards

Thoughts?

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:37 am

I do things I don’t let my kids do.
I don’t let them watch movies but I do
I sometimes listen to non Jewish music
I play games on my phone (which I sometimes let them do as well)

There is no dissonance for me though. I am raising them the way I believe is best for them in this world. I don’t want them addicted to screens and concerned with these topics.

My oldest is 8 though, so I can’t say that this is how it will always be, but they are very happy and I am happy with the standards I raise them with

amother

White

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:44 am

The bigger problem is my 2yo who wants to be just like Abba and Ima. If I leave her alone for 2 minutes to use the bathroom, she will climb onto the Shabbos table, take out a knife and start cutting the challah. I can't keep anything high enough that it will be out of her reach because she knows how to drag furniture and climb... and she is completely fearless. She would intentionally climb out the window if it didn't have bars. And she is determined to imitate EVERYTHING she sees us doing.. including lighting the Shabbos candles... turning on the stove to cook... picking up the baby/changing his diaper... (Not as dangerous but funny: lately she's taken to sticking pens down her shirt, because Abba always has one in his shirt pocket...)
I'm at my wit's end. Am I supposed to only use the bathroom when she is sleeping/napping? I literally can't leave her alone for two minutes, and if she is confined in any way (crib, high chair, etc) she SHRIEKS hysterically until I have rachmanus and take her out, and then the whole house is in danger...

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:50 am

amother White wrote:

Is she your oldest or only child?

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:52 am

amother White wrote:

I would have her evaluated. Sometimes that is a sign of an issue. It’s not considered typical to be so fearless.

amother

White

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 9:54 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Is she your oldest or only child?

Yes she is my oldest. I also have an 8mo baby.
She's a riot. Sometimes she's super helpful (throws out diapers in the garbage, unpacks the groceries and hands items to me one by one to be put away) but most of the time she's climbing places she shouldn't be climbing, or having fits that the baby touched one of her toys (she will literally RUN across the room to grab it away even if she has no interest whatsoever in the toy itself, she's just offended that he's playing with it), or emptying out the fridge that we forgot to lock and trying to eat yogurt with her fingers...
Realistically, how do people with toddlers keep their homes in one piece?

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:01 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

One day they will be doing the same as you. They will find out and they will see where you place your values.

I still think it's better that you don't expose them now. However, we lead by example more than anything else. Our children know what we are doing deep down. If not now, give it a few years.

BH Yom Yom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:05 am

amother White wrote:

Wondering the same!!

tigerwife

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:12 am

amother OP wrote:

A lot depends on the why.
Why don’t you let them watch? If you think it’s not great developmentally, that’s one thing, but if you say it’s for spiritual reasons then they’ll eventually realize the hypocrisy.

A lot of books have mature content. I’ve told my voracious reader numerous times that XYZ book is not for her age, but she has plenty of other options. I also try to read the same books as her so she doesn’t feel like she is missing out.

I don’t really watch movies so I’m comfortable enforcing that as a family standard. But I don’t ban anything blindly. We have open discussions.

For me personally, this question would come up when my kids are old enough for their own phones. I wouldn’t get them smartphones until adulthood, but I imagine it will feel hypocritical to not allow them for my kids if I have one myself.

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:17 am

amother Alyssum wrote:

Yes I agree with you and I’m aware
The thing is that I am very comfortable with my values
I’m ok with them doing these things if and when they decide they want to
I don’t feel shame for relaxing with Netflix at night. I am very comfortable with my choices
I have no problem with them making their own choices at a later time
As young children though, they need to get baseline values, just like I did at their age. I have a deep connection and reverence to Yiddishkeit and Torah. I don’t need other things interfering.
I’m also aware that it’s 2023 and not the 1990s, early 00s, which is when I grew up, and the difference is tremendous!!

Tzutzie

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:21 am

amother White wrote:

Good to know, thanks. Does giggling in response to discipline fit with that?

If you feel she needs an eval then go do it.
But the farelessness doesn't concern me. But she does sound a bit intense. That would rather be something I would look into.

I was like that as a kid (fearless) and were many of my siblings nieces/nephew's and my own kids are like that. Reallllly keeps you on your toes allll day. It's a lot. Remember to that your dealing with a lot and be kind to yourself.
Me personally I found the stage I'd 2 little kids to be THE hardest stage of mothering. I look back and I wonder how I survived it!

A 2 yo rarely if ever needs to be disciplined imo.
If she takes the knives then lock them away.
I used to lock all dangerous things away every night. Becuase my kid would wake before dawn and VERY quietly do crazy things. She opened a difficult lock and left the house in shorts in the winter. I woke at the Crack I'd dawn around 7ish and there were bikes and toy mini slides all in my apt. Since then I slept with one eye open. Lol.
One morning I woke with all the knives stuck into the slots of the kitchen drains. These knives were on the top shelves.
So I started locking them in my bedroom closet every night. I'd "lock up" the house before bed.
That kid is 10 years old now. She doesn't play with knives (well she loves to cook and bake so yea she uses them appropriately).
This kid is extremely bright and inquisitive to this day. Always exploring things and learning new things every day.

Toddlers can be intense.
If you need to do a toilet break, put her I then crib and let her know exactly what to expect and go do your thing. It's ok if she's upset and screams. It's her way of communicating her wishes.
You can sympathize "I know you want to go out. You don't like it in here. It'll pass really fast. Here is a nice book you can enjoy for 3 minutes. Ill be right back" and go use the bathroom.

A 2 year old can be very possessive over her toys. I think it's age appropriate. I'm honestly not sure how to deal with that as my kids were really possessive of their stuff maybe someone with more experience can help out.

Tzutzie

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:23 am

amother OP wrote:

You answered your own question right there! Children aren't adults. If you want to call it double standards then do.

They need to be treated with love and respect. But they are not adults and cannot do what adults do.

amother

White

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:28 am

Tzutzie wrote:

Thanks, this is very helpful. I agree in theory with the "wake up before the kids" mentality BUT the only time I can ever get anything done is after they are asleep, so unfortunately I almost never make it into bed early enough to drag myself back out before they wake up... I'm dreading the day we move her from the crib to a toddler bed...
Also what is your opinion on demonstrating trust to children? I've heard that is psychologically important...

amother

Chestnut

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:34 am

amother White wrote:

I don't want to hijack this thread but I'm the professional who does evaluations and nothing in your narrative strikes me as atypical. However, when it comes to danger, u need to be unequivocal about it. She shreiks cuz she knows you'll take her out like that. Set the rules and warn in advance what the consequences will be. She has to know what the boundaries are. If u laugh or get exasperated while disciplining, she'll feed off that. If u say snack is only in the high chair, then no matter how much screaming she does, she can't have snack on a chair. Or on the floor. She can come out, but then the snack goes away. Consistently.
And I believe that for a danger u can give a lil tap on their hand so they remember not to do it again. Knife and oven/stove get a tap on hands. My 2yo cries cuz she's insulted that I do it to her, not because it hurts. I hold her and tell her, "mommy loves u very much but u did something dangerous that can make a big boo- boo. We don't touch the oven! Mommy's gonna give u a potch on ur hand so you should remember to never do it again." And a hug as soon as I do it. No anger or irritation involved.