My daughter cursed at me :(

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:31 pm

My 15yr old dd is struggling in 9th grade scholastically. Becasue of that and her ODD tendencies, she is posing a behavior problem as well. She has been acting obnoxious to my husband and me for the last week or so. She has always been challenging but we work hard on our relationship with her and value that strongly. We understood that she was hurting and really tried to look the other way as much as possible, but it was like she felt she had free reign of how she treated us and spoke to us. We had to end several conversations that she had no self control during and explained that we could not continue while she was talking to us in such a way but would be happy to continue when she's ready to be respectful. She didn't like it but responded ok to that most of the times it happened. Tonight, she got upset at a decision that my husband and I made and she was very understandably disappointed. I went to check on her a little later and was telling her about hownI had ordered some clothes that she had asked me to last week and then she started being all nasty to me. I said something about privileges being taken away if she talks like that to me...and it was all very civil, non emotional, and she says "What the f***??!" I said quietly "What did you say?" and she said "nothing I was talking to myself" I responded "I heard the words you said" and closed the door quietly behind me.

I am shocked, furious, hurt, and shaken...and have no idea what to do next. My husband wants to ground her until further notice and take away all privileges. I have no idea what to do but I am really horrified.

giftedmom

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:44 pm

Ground her until further notice and take away all privileges? You know that won’t go over very well.
Tbh I think that with everything else going on this isn’t the biggest issue right now. She didn’t “curse at you”. She slipped something under her breath and was clearly embarrassed.
I think you’re both way ovverreacting and you need to be smart not right atm. In general. Pick your battles.
My answer would be different if she actually cursed at you but it doesn’t seem like she did.

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 8:21 pm

I don’t think punishing her is going to help, it sounds like she is truly struggling with something and could use your support and help.

I agree with above posters she wasn’t cursing at you, just in front of you and there’s a difference. She’s a teenager. She probably uses that language and it might have just slipped. Or she was truly upset and trying to show you how strongly by reacting that way in front of you.

Right now put this on the back burner and try to figure out what’s really bothering her. She isn’t lashing out for no reason, something is probably really stressing her out and she’s taking it out on you. Punishing her will only make it worse and push her further away from you, this all genuinely feels like a cry for help.

In the future you can have a respectful conversation with her about how you can’t control how she talks but in the house you would appreciate it if she respects your feelings and not use that kind of language. If you come at it from a place of mutual respect instead of control you will have much better results. As in, make her feel like you respect her ability to make these decisions for herself, and in return she will respect you. Cursing is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, most teens go through a phase and grow out of it as they get more mature. And they’re just words, she is just exploring how to express herself. (Unless it’s a form of rebelling, which brings me back to the cry for help situation..)

justforfun87

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 8:54 pm

Take a breathe. As others have said she did not curse at you she just cursed. There is a big difference between F** you and WT*? I think grounding her Will create even more distance. She is 15, cursing is really within the norms of exploration. In a quiet moment just let her know you hate to hear her speak like that. If it happens again, just again reiterate that you hate to hear her speak like that. Speak to her heart not out of anger.

kenz

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 9:07 pm

OP, please get help dealing with this suffering child asap before she spirals completely out of control. Do not ground her, do not punish her, and do not do anything that will force her to start lying to you and doing things behind your back. BTDT. I wish I would have realized what was really going on before things completely blew up. You still have a chance to fix this.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 9:15 pm

She has been on meds for years and is currently in therapy and not talking. We are very supportive and loving with her and doing whatever we can as parents ro put up with the nastiness and get her the help she needs.

I do feel that we have been enabling her to speak the way she does to us...it's more complicated than it seems. She plays victim and manipulates the conversation and is extremely defiant and rude. This is not typical teenage behavior. It is exacerbated by her anxiety and ODD. She said what she said tonight to me and to get a reaction from me. We are obviously not grounding her for life but she did cross a red line with what she said and in the way she said it.

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 9:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

How do you know she isn’t opening up to her therapist? Maybe ask if she’s happy with it or if you who find a new one. My first 3 therapists were awful and I barely said a word, my 4th was amazing and I’ve been with her 12 years now. It’s like finding a shidduch.

Clearly this isn’t coming from nowhere. She is crying out for help. Teenagers dont just suddenly develop new behavior out of blue, there is something going on that is strongly effecting her. Just try to support her and encourage her to open up to you.

Please don’t focus on this. She didn’t really do anything wrong and punishing her or being offended isn’t going to help this situation whatsoever. She needs help with something and you are taking those signals and focusing on the negative. Do you think any teenager ever stopped cursing because their parents grounded them? Nope. If you are worried about the path she is headed down you are only encouraging her to go further down by punishing her right now..

WhatFor

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 9:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP, I'll take your word for it that she's not a typical teenager, even though being defiant, rude, cursing, are all par for the course. If that's true, and she's harder than a typical teenager, why are you making a huge deal about the fact that she muttered "wt*" under her breath? This should be the least of the difficult things, and you're blowing up relatively tiny things into huge power struggles. I agree with the person who said to read the explosive child, but I also think that you and DH would benefit from some professional counseling on how to deal with her. (From a licensed person with experience, not a community macher.)

kenz

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 10:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm in no way saying you're wrong and she's right. Not at all. What I'm saying is, it doesn't matter. Do whatever you possibly can to reach her so that she'll find her way back to you instead of looking for other things that could cause irreparable harm.

amother

Snowflake

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 10:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sorry but from what you write here you are quite harsh and punitive with her.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 11:11 pm

kenz wrote:

I appreciate this. Thank you. This is always our goal with her...it just becomes so hard when everything is directed at us 90% of the time. Hard to know where and when to draw the line...which is why we usually don't snd try to give her all the love and space she needs