My sons yeshiva called all mad

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 10:15 am

My son in 14 in 9th grade.
He is in a very small yeshiva for kids with adhd.
I just got a call from his care manager who spoke to the roshai yeshiva that my son is disturbing and running around and they don’t know what to do with him. They can’t figure out why I have never called them to find out what’s doing.
How was I to know that there was a problem? My son comes home fine says he hates the yeshiva because the kids are weird but he doesn’t come home all hyper.
Usually in other yeshivas my other kids went to there was always PTA around now so I was assuming there would be one here. I didn’t know that there isn’t one and I am expected to call the rebbi which not one person told me.
Now they are all mad at me.
The roshai yeshiva is mad also because usually the therapist gets in touch with them to talk.
My son has a therapist that I don’t have communication with.
I have emailed him to ask when we could talk but he ignored my email and I know he got it.
The truth is I had my son go to a therapist because of some stuff going on at home which I felt it was important to speak to someone about and my son has a good rapport with the therapist and is comfortable with him.
Apparently this place where the therapist is has a reputation for not communicating.
My care manager tried to speak to the therapist and he never got a call back from the therapist and when he did the therapist didn’t really talk to him.
Now my care manager wants me to switch therapists. I think my son is comfortable with this therapist.
I know the therapist is teaching my son techniques to help him cope.
I really didn’t have him go to a therapist for his ADHD but for him to talk about what’s going on at home.
Now do I switch therapists to accommodate the school and the care manager? Or just leave him to talk to his current therapist but who won’t really call the school to discuss anything?

imasinger

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 10:45 am

Would it be an option to add another therapist to his care team?

I'd suggest being as sweet and apologetic as you can. Ask for a meeting ASAP, let them know you care deeply, and just didn't know what their expectations were, of course you want better communication, you're so very sorry.

TwinsMommy

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 11:09 am

maybe meet with the psychiatrist to change the adhd med? sounds like that could use tweaking.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 11:11 am

Make a paying appointment with therapist. Somehow when you pay for a session therapists have time to talk to you.
Talking from experience.
If needed arrange a session with school staff as well.
And put in place plan for school as well as home. Make it clear that child need coping techniques for school setting.
Is your son medicated for adhd? If he is medicine might need to be adjusted. If he's not, usually when school complain that's what they're expecting (without always saying it!)especially if a majority of other students are medicated. Sad

In the future call school bi-weekly...
Some places have untold rules that somehow ppl are expected to know about... Sad

amother

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 12:44 pm

Thanks,
No atm he isnt medicated, he was but it was a disaster and the psychiatrist wasnt a good fit.
Its very hard to find a decent one on Medicaid and I cant afford to pay out of pocket.
I didnt want to medicate him but I might not have a choice.

Im just upset that they are putting this on me. I dont know how the yeshiva operates, they had no problem calling us when my credit card was declined and wanted payment.

Now its my fault.
And I dont know what to do with his therapist (social worker). He likes him so do I try to find someone new and start over.

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 12:56 pm

My husband is a staff member in a yeshiva and I see these situations play out. It would have been nice for the yeshiva to call and speak to you but at the end of the day it is your responsibility to find out how your son is doing, and what you can do to help him. A child's mental and physical health is the parents responsibility and not the yeshiva. Most yeshiva staff are overworked underpaid and stretched very thin. I would recommend emailing the yeshiva staff and setting up regular phone calls and maybe pay his therapist to meet with the Yeshiva.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 12:59 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

I disagree, no news is good news. If yeshiva didn't reach out parent can't know that things are not going well.
It's her responsibility to take care of the issue after she has been informed!

amother

Daylily

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 1:11 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

I’m shaking my head. Moros and rebbeim in cheder need to contact the parents on a regular basis. You think they’re better paid and have less work? Why does the mesivta staff get a free pass?

Especially a small yeshiva for kids with adhd! The communication should be better in such a school. Instead it’s worse.

I can’t think of any reason that would excuse this school’s protocol. This does not reflect well on the schools leadership or policies at all.

As for the therapist, this sounds like terrible communication as well. My kids therapists all text me regularly.

Op I don’t know how you’re functioning. I could never deal with this!

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 1:21 pm

I wouldnt get rid of a therapist who your child likes if you are seeing progress. Perhaps add a weekly session with someone the school trusts to address school issues.

amother

Holly

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 1:26 pm

Is there a reason the school needs to speak to the therapist? That seems really inappropriate for a ninth grader.

amother

Natural

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 1:28 pm

amother Holly wrote:

Is there a reason the school needs to speak to the therapist? That seems really inappropriate for a ninth grader.

particularly a therapist who is communicating with the school but not with the parents.

ETA my bad, caremanager is communicating with school, not the therapist.

amother

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 1:36 pm

Thank you for the validation.
I got off the phone yesterday and I have been so upset. They are blaming me for not calling I feel they think I am neglecting my sons behavior but how in the world was I supposed to know.
I thought they would have some sort of PTA.

Does anyone know if I could have two therapists on Medicaid?
My son has been seeing this therapist for over a year. He called me to discuss my son but we never connected.
He emailed me to switch days and when I emailed back I asked when is a good time to talk but he ignored my question. But I didnt send my son to him to talk about school as much as home life because of things that are going on.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 1:52 pm

Nope, Medicaid does not cover two therapists.

bwaybabe85

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 2:03 pm

Sounds like you may want to revisit the medication route. Where are you located? ColumbiaDoctors in NYC has developmental behavioral pediatricians that accept Medicaid. Dr Paskin sees Medicaid patients at the uptown location in Washington Heights.

imasinger

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 2:24 pm

Can you share more about why you're not medicating? Because if you didn't try all the options fairly recently, it's worth another look.

Lady A

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 3:25 pm

To OP….
Can you please speak with your son and ask him what is going on? He is still a boy and needs parental guidance. Especially if he has these outstanding issues. Nail down concrete appointment dates, issues to discuss and have a time frame for dealing with them. Speak with your son about your expectations for him.

amother

Beige

Tue, Dec 05 2023, 8:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP , I could cry with you.
I have had a similar experience like you.

amother

Yarrow

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 6:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

when I was sending my kid to yeshivah, I was so.worried, he came from sheltered special Ed place. So I told them I don't really care about learning, main thing he should be safe in the first place (I was afraid he will get lost and they won't know where he is, I was too anxious at that point, if he can be in mainstream -he is regular kid now). I'm super on top of my kids. Secretary translated that worry into "I'm neglectful mother I don't care about learning, treat yeshiva like playgroup". If they didn't communicate, they cannot blame you. First say, then get upset if no action taken. I think you should say "I hear that you are upset about it, and I am so upset you never told me about my sons situation,I am a caring parent, but in other mosdos the process is for the mosad to reach out if there is an issue". I would show them extra that I do care and I do want to be aware. They probably didn't want to deal with behavioral aspects ,but once they hear you are on board, they won't be upset.

amother

Clear

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 6:15 pm

Is this ok for a therapist to refuse to speak to a minors parents? Aren’t you paying them?

amother

Clover

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 6:40 pm

Opy, ur spending too much energy on who should have communicated first with whom. Your situation is enough draining and difficult. Don't waste energy looking back. Look forward and focus on solutions.
From ur op, it seems that you still haven't spoken to the rosh yeshiva, only heard a message from the care manager. Trust your intuition. If you feel ur son is making progress with the therapist, don't switch. Get in touch with the rosh yeshiva. Don't waste time on what went wrong and what you assumed abt communication. Ask what's going on, listen carefully to what he says, and ask him to state clearly what he needs you to do. A good idea is to talk to ur son before the call so you hear his side. If the rosh yeshiva says they need him on medication to keep him, schedule psychiatry. If he says he needs to be in touch with the therapist, let ur son know to give this important message to the therapist, or join the next session to give it over urself. Focus on problem solving.

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