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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:04 pm
My 12 year old is seeing a therapist for help with ADHD. Last night we were talking about something and he said “I don’t have any secrets from you. I tell you everything, except the thing that (therapist) told me not to tell you.” When I pushed a little more it seems the therapist shared something about himself, and told my son that it’s a bit embarrassing,
So he shouldn’t tell his parents. I’m guessing and hoping most likely it was something innocent like sharing that he himself struggled with adhd, but nonetheless I’m pretty freaked out and upset as it seems like a major concern and red flag for me that a therapist is saying to keep something secret from your parents. Am I overreacting? My husband wants to call the therapists supervisor immediately (he’s in a private practice where he works for the practice owner). I feel like if we do that, the therapy is over, and I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. Do I confront the therapist myself? Run the other way? Approach the supervisor (who I never met or have any relationship with)? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel like this is the road to abuse happening and even if not it’s teaching a kid that grownups can tell you to keep secrets which is the opposite message we want!!! Help!!
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amother
Jetblack
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:29 pm
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I wouldn't run the abuse route - he may be trying to teach your son about boundaries in relationships. Nevertheless, it is always inappropriate to encourage a minor to keep secrets from his parents. I would definitely discuss it in a non-threatening way with the supervisor.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:31 pm
| amother Jetblack wrote: | | I wouldn't run the abuse route - he may be trying to teach your son about boundaries in relationships. Nevertheless, it is always inappropriate to encourage a minor to keep secrets from his parents. I would definitely discuss it in a non-threatening way with the supervisor. |
To be clear I don’t think this guy has abused him, it’s just that that’s how the path to abuse starts with encouraging kids to keep secrets etc. how is that teaching healthy boundaries?
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amother
Babyblue
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:34 pm
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opo I agree with you. it sounds like a poor judgement call on the part of the therapist. don't think he's evil, but I don't think he was trying to teach your son boundaries.
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amother
Jetblack
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:49 pm
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One of the things therapists work with ADHD kids is how to keep secrets. It sounds like he was trying to teach that to him but in the wrong way. I would call the supervisor and just say "so and so said that x, we're a little concerned. Can you explain?" very non-threatening but the guy will know you're on top of it.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 1:59 pm
| amother Jetblack wrote: | | One of the things therapists work with ADHD kids is how to keep secrets. It sounds like he was trying to teach that to him but in the wrong way. I would call the supervisor and just say "so and so said that x, we're a little concerned. Can you explain?" very non-threatening but the guy will know you're on top of it. |
That’s totally not an issue with my son and I highly doubt that was a targeted goal here
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justforfun87
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 2:06 pm
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Red flag? My mind does go there. It could be something innocent but I would definitely mention it to the therapist in person and see his reaction.
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amother
Vermilion
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 2:27 pm
I would tell the therapist that this was problematic and a red line for you. You appreciate his work but want to reinstate for the future that no secrets should be allowed in the sessions.
This will show him that parents are aware of every interaction. Nothing scares an abuser more than involved parents.
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ellacoe
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 3:01 pm
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Children should never be afraid to share something with their parents, and professionals and teachers should not be encouraging them to. It may be that this therapist was trying to build rapport with your son and told him something "private" about himself and told him that it was a secret. Regardless of the motive, it is not a healthy pattern to establish. Could you speak to him first and see how it goes before going to his supervisor?
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kollel_wife
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 3:38 pm
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I'm not familiar with therapy for kids, but I would think that you should be in the waiting room and the door should have fogged up glass - so that you could see what's going on all the time - is this the case?
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amother
OP
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 3:45 pm
| kollel_wife wrote: | | I'm not familiar with therapy for kids, but I would think that you should be in the waiting room and the door should have fogged up glass - so that you could see what's going on all the time - is this the case? |
No glass doors. I’m not worried this guy is abusing him, I’m worried he’s modeling and teaching inappropriate behaviors and eradicating boundaries that we teach our kids in order to prevent abuse. And if a therapist doesn’t realize that that’s a bad thing to tell a kid, where else is he lacking in judgement??
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amother
Babyblue
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 3:56 pm
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op you make perfect sense.
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Chayalle
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 3:59 pm
| amother Jetblack wrote: | | One of the things therapists work with ADHD kids is how to keep secrets. It sounds like he was trying to teach that to him but in the wrong way. I would call the supervisor and just say "so and so said that x, we're a little concerned. Can you explain?" very non-threatening but the guy will know you're on top of it. |
But not from parents. I teach my kids the concepts of privacy, of boundaries, of keeping secrets and not saying everything, but there is nothing you can't tell your parents. So yes, I'd want an explanation from a therapist about this.
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allthingsblue
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 4:27 pm
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I’m shocked. To me this is a huge red flag.
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bebrave
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 5:46 pm
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Besides for speaking to the therapist, you should also tell your children that they can't hide things from you. My kids know from age 4, if anyone tells you a secret and tells you not to tell your parent, what do you do? You tell your parents! They know this in their sleep
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Genius
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 5:59 pm
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I would speak to the therapist directly first and see what he says. Definitely concerning.
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amother
Poppy
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:03 pm
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NO ONE should ever tell a child to keep a secret from their parents. And if they do it's a huge flag. Even if this information he said to keep secret is insignificant it's creating a situation where your child is easier to groom. Your child should know there are no secrets he should be keeping for other people. Especially adults. I'd call immediately and report this concerning incident.
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amother
Poppy
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:04 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | No glass doors. I’m not worried this guy is abusing him, I’m worried he’s modeling and teaching inappropriate behaviors and eradicating boundaries that we teach our kids in order to prevent abuse. And if a therapist doesn’t realize that that’s a bad thing to tell a kid, where else is he lacking in judgement?? |
You hit the nail on the head with this. It's a basic you hope a therapist knows, and if he doesn't then he can't do his job well.
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amother
Brown
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:37 pm
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tichellady
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Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:40 pm
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Kids aren’t always the best historians. I wouldn’t assume the therapist said exactly what your kid said but I would bring it up with the therapist
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