13 yr old dd ignored me

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:48 pm

I asked her twice to prepare her lunch and she isn’t doing it. Do I ignore or give her a consequence?

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:49 pm

The consequence is she has no lunch.

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:54 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

The consequence is she has no lunch.

I’d at least give her a big bag of cereal or box of crackers or something. That would be beyond horrible to be stuck at school all day with nothing to eat.

But yeah. That kind of is the natural consequence of not preparing things….you just won’t have it.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:54 pm

She will make one she will just stay up later to do it

amother

Copper

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

She will make one she will just stay up later to do it

So what’s the problem?

BrisketBoss

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 10:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

She will make one she will just stay up later to do it

So then she'll stay up later and may be tired. Ultimately this is her problem, unless she comes to you for help or it starts directly affecting you.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:00 pm

amother Copper wrote:

So what’s the problem?

That she didn’t do what I asked when I asked. Am I being too harsh? Didn’t grow up in a normal family so not sure

lucky14

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

That she didn’t do what I asked when I asked. Am I being too harsh? Didn’t grow up in a normal family so not sure

Yeah you kind of are.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

That she didn’t do what I asked when I asked. Am I being too harsh? Didn’t grow up in a normal family so not sure

So the problem is you feel your authority is being challenged?

I would suggest focusing on relationship. This fosters cooperation, which is better than obedience.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:02 pm

I was brought up that not doing as you’re told right away is chutzpah so that’s how I am viewing this. How should I view it?

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:03 pm

I think it’s important for children to listen to their parents. But also, for this case, it would be important for her to have a conversation. Ignoring isn’t okay. But saying “I’ll get to it shortly” or “I just want to finish this thing” or “I’m still thinking of what yo make but I’ll do it”

Answering you in some form is appropriate.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:03 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

So the problem is you feel your authority is being challenged?

I would suggest focusing on relationship. This fosters cooperation, which is better than obedience.

I think that is what I am feeling. In general we do have a pretty good relationship

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:04 pm

Speak to her. Say it’s important that she does it now and is there a reason she’s not listening.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:08 pm

lucky14 wrote:

Yeah you kind of are.

Thank you for the feedback

BrisketBoss

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think that is what I am feeling. In general we do have a pretty good relationship

You are an authority, inherently. But sometimes she may have a different opinion than you on what she should do. When that's a problem for you, you can talk to her about it--neither punishing nor letting the matter go. That builds communication skills and keeps the connection strong.

Here it sounds like there is no real problem. But if you would prefer a different response than silence, you can talk about that. Don't focus on how she ought to act a certain way toward you because you are the parent. Deference is not something you need in order to be a leader.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

That she didn’t do what I asked when I asked. Am I being too harsh? Didn’t grow up in a normal family so not sure

She may be individuating, wanting to do stuff for herself and not you. I would not repeat your requests, say it once. If she doesnt do it, pivot.
As for the ignoring you, I would prepare and then sit her down for a talk, she is now growing up and you are excited to see her mature to become the amazing adult you know she will become, but communication is a part of that maturity. Mature people discuss, explain, and listen. Its ok to tell me I plan to do it later,
Explain that you love her but when she ignored you, she was behaving like a child. If you dont want to do something then calmly say so, say why and say what you plan to do to ensure the task is done. Give her an example of the communication you expect from her and model that behavior. Compliment her when she does it right.

amother

Impatiens

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 11:56 pm

She’s 13… is this the first time she’s ignored you? That’s super impressive. Please tell me your secrets.

amother

Linen

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 12:15 am

This is the age where kids are really starting to exert their independence. Just like we as adults don't like to be told what to do and when to do it, neither do children. Especially as they enter their teenage years. They think that they are big now and should be able to do what they want when they want. They are old enough to realize that they don't have to do something just because they were told to do it.
What I find works really well for my pre-teens and going teens is letting them know that X needs to be done by Y time. I don't care when you choose to do it or what order you do it in so long as it's fine by the designated time. This gives them a sense of control, while still making sure they do what they need to in a time frame that works for me. So for example my 11 year old knows she needs to be finished homework, have her lunch for school the next day prepared, and finished showering by 9:30. She can choose what to do first, 2nd or 3rd, what time to start, etc so long as it's all done by 9:30. Since we started doing this with her I almost never have to remind her anymore.
Now to address the ignoring you piece, I don't think you should make a big deal of it. It's not ok for a child to ignore a parent, but it is a normal behavior for kids this age. At a calm moment let her know that it's not ok for her to completely ignore you, and when you speak to her you expect some sort of acknowledgment that she heard what you said. This doesn't mean she'll always do what you asked but at least she's acknowledging that you are speaking to her. If you find that you say something to her and she isn't responding at all calmly walk over and say "DD, please repeat what I just told you". Again, don't make a big to do of her ignoring you, but do expect acknowledgment.

notshanarishona

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 12:27 am

Yeah its chutzpadik but I wouldn’t necessarily give a consequence for passive chutzpah like this. If this is the worst she does, you are probably in good shape. It depends on your overall relationship. Is this is a daily occurrence? Once in a blue moon? Is she generally obedient and polite in conversations? How does she typically act when you tell her to do something and she doesn’t want to?

amother

Marigold

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 12:33 am

amother Whitewash wrote:

I’d at least give her a big bag of cereal or box of crackers or something. That would be beyond horrible to be stuck at school all day with nothing to eat.

Of course it's horrible. It's called a consequence of not making food. It's her choice if she wants to make the food or not. I personally don't think you stepping in with other food to "save her" from her choices is helpful.