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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:10 pm
Can we start a thread on what NOT to say when someone has experienced a loss or a trauma, especially when they are still in the thick of it?
I’ll start:
- “at least…” comments (at least you still have your other parent/ siblings/ children, at least you got to spend x years with this person, at least you knew it was coming, at least they didn’t suffer)
- think positive!
- Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle! (OOC do we actually have a real mekor that explains that idea?)
What else?
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amother
Pink
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:13 pm
You know they're in a better place.
Be happy they're not suffering anymore.....
This is the one where I had to really hold back from slapping this well meaning person in the face.
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Chayalle
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:15 pm
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You'll BEH have another really soon.
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amother
Maple
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:15 pm
Please no airy fairy hashgacha pratit stories.
Those should be banned most of the time but when someone is grieving- just don’t.
Regarding your “at least” comments/ I know someone who told a mother of an extremely sick child who was a twin- at least you have the other one. I kid you not. Let that sink in and you’ll never ever do the “at least” stuff again.
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amother
Cappuccino
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:16 pm
| amother Maple wrote: | Please no airy fairy hashgacha pratit stories.
Those should be banned most of the time but when someone is grieving- just don’t.
Regarding your “at least” comments/ I know someone who told a mother of an extremely sick child who was a twin- at least you have the other one. I kid you not. Let that sink in and you’ll never ever do the “at least” stuff again. |
And I knew someone who lost one twin at birth, and someone told her "at least you have the other one".
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amother
Pink
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:18 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | | You'll BEH have another really soon. |
I asked whoever told me this if they can guarantee that I'll have another real soon.
If you can't why open your mouth? What happened to the classic I'm sorry for your loss?
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singleagain
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:20 pm
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Don't inquire why or how did it happen. If they want to they will share. But asking for details... Not appropriate
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tymama
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:22 pm
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While going thru a medical crises with a child, “you have to thank Hashem it’s only this” 🙄
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amother
Skyblue
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:22 pm
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"At least you wont have to take care of her anymore and it will be easier for you" , when my young mother passed away.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:25 pm
When I was in shidduchim for years and years - “he’s just around the corner!”
Oh wow, good to know, thanks! I didn’t know you were a navi!
I had a broken engagement - “mazal tov!” and “better before than after!”
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amother
Pewter
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:29 pm
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"Oh, I didn't realize it was serious". You would have, if you'd listened when we said he had cancer instead of saying "b'ezrat Hashem he'll have a full recovery". He was in hospice. We knew it was serious.
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amother
Vanilla
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:40 pm
She/he will do more for you up there than down here.
Very nice. But we want her/him HERE with US
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essie14
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:00 pm
My DH was told during shiva for his 1st wife, "you're going to remarry really soon"
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Rappel
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:05 pm
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"You know, the reason this happened is because..."
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amother
Aquamarine
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:08 pm
When our young daughter was diagnosed with cancer, I was told, "you must be special, these things happen to special people".
Said by my mil. Yes my mil.
I firmly replied back that I don't feel special, I don't want to be special, we'd appreciate her support but to please not say that line ever again.
Incredibly we are quite close before and after that, but then she put her 'wordy worthy wonderful' hat on and opened her mouth without thinking.
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gr82no
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:11 pm
Personally I don’t like when people tell me I know how it feels when …
Others probably appreciate it
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GLUE
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:20 pm
| essie14 wrote: | My DH was told during shiva for his 1st wife, "you're going to remarry really soon"
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When my friends brother wife died, before he even had a chance to bury her someone came over to tell him that he has a great shidduch for him.
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amother
Tanzanite
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:21 pm
When someone found out I lost a child to SIDS the first thing she said was
Was he vaccinated?
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dochesed
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:29 pm
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"Was he seeing a good doctor"?
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Plonis bas Plonis
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Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:35 pm
| gr82no wrote: | Personally I don’t like when people tell me I know how it feels when …
Others probably appreciate it |
This gets me so frustrated. Regardless if you went through something similar, you will NEVER experience something the same as someone else.
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