What NOT to say | Imamother

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:59 pm

I had a preemie at a very early gestational age. I hated comments from people “oh, my cousin had a 29 week old baby and he’s done great today!” Or “my friends uncles cats first owner had a preemie at 27 weeks 5 years ago and you’d never know!”
If the baby you knew wasn’t born at the same age as my baby or younger and within the last 2 years, I don’t want to hear about it. Each day makes a difference at that stage and your 27 week old baby is miles ahead of my 23 week old baby. It’s not comparable

amother

Navy

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:01 pm

somebody (secular) who lost her child said that the most supportive comment that she appreciated the most was when somebody just said “F*ck”. With all her empathy in this one word. Perhaps we need to find a nicer word but the truth is, such a loss is brutal. Horrible. Unimaginable. Excruciatingly painful. Any words of “comfort” may invalidate the extreme discomfort of the situation.
Just expressing our own pain may be enough.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:04 pm

When my grandmother died after being an accident my mother, aunts and uncles hit some pretty dumb comments including,”wait, she was in x hospital? Did she have Dr Y? Of course she died! He’s an awful doctor!”

amother

Watermelon

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:08 pm

A sil told me that it would "be easier now" when my mother died. What? You mean because now no one will stop you from the bs you pull in our family? Perhaps she didn't realize that she was speaking out loud?

Someone else told me on the second day of shiva that maybe my father would marry again soon. I asked her not to say that to me since I wasn't ready to hear it, and she just continued.

A third person, who was a young widow in her late 40s, told me that at least my parents had so many years together and she didn't. I felt very bad for her loss, but it was so inappropriate.

On the other hand, I have a friend who is an incredibly modest, graceful, and fine person. I learned so much from her kindness and gentleness when she came to see me during shiva and now try to model myself on her.

yachnabobba

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:25 pm

Oh gosh I have a zillion
A. At least you have children (I had just had a hysterectomy)
B. You look great (you don’t want to see me at my vomiting stressed out middle of the night hysterics)
C. You are getting disability (find me a magnifying glass to see that huge amount)
D. Your children are growing from the experience (true but useless- I want them to have the luxury of being shallow airheads)
E. You are so strong
F. You are such a fighter
G. It’s your vote of confidence from Hashem
****

amother

Glitter

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:55 pm

essie14 wrote:

My DH was told during shiva for his 1st wife, "you're going to remarry really soon"
Can't Believe It

My dil's mother died a couple of years ago.
At the cemetery someone told her sister, "dw your father will remarry soon!" Surprised

amother

Starflower

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 3:17 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Oish?

amother

Diamond

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 3:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

When I was in shidduchim for years and years - “he’s just around the corner!”

Oh wow, good to know, thanks! I didn’t know you were a navi!

I had a broken engagement - “mazal tov!” and “better before than after!”

I was an older single with a broken engagement and I don't think any of these comments are offensive. What always go me was "iyh by you" at a younger siblings simcha.

amother

Clear

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 3:52 pm

Maybe you should try abc dr or xyz treatment…

Please don’t second guess the person in the situation!

I also hated the false hope (“I know someone in the EXACT same situations, even worse, who made a full recovery. Just keep davening/working on your Emunah”!) For the most part it was never true (meaning my elderly family member had been declared brain dead weeks ago and the person you were referring to was an otherwise healthy young adult who fainted 🙄) and even if they were in the same medical condition with the same prognosis (and again, they weren’t), your once in a lifetime neis does not guarantee me the same and insinuating that if I just had enough Emunah or did enough segulos it would, was hurtful.

All this being said, I do know that people are different and some people DO want to hear about how their about to die loved one probably won’t. So I tried not to take it personally and to realize that the person who is saying that would be happy themselves to hear things of that nature and didn’t realize I wasn’t.

amother

Brass

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 3:53 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Well the language is crude but I agree with the sentiment.

It's a very uncomfortable thing for many of us. We want to comfort our friend. We want to say something that will somehow lighten their pain. But there really is nothing to say to make it better. Hug them. Cry with them. Agree the situation is awful. If you think you can be of service (pitching in for meals, childcare, that sort of thing) offer it. There really is nothing else.

singleagain

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 4:00 pm

amother Clear wrote:

OMG.... Yes! The "just have emmunah /bitachon" I hate that crowd... How do you know what my relationship with God is like? You don't. I might have the highest levels possible... But you know what... It all hurts and I can still cry/mourn.

amother

Gray

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 4:07 pm

Not exactly what you asked, but when I had a miracle baby 11 (painful) years after the previous child, someone told me “I knew you’d have another one!” I just wish they’d have told me this earlier so I didn’t have to go through all that pain! (Same person also told me, you’re still young, you can still have more!)

amother

Honey

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 4:35 pm

When I was sitting Shiva after my father, as a senior. I had to dance 40x that my first classmate got engaged, because each one of my classmates that walked thru the door, had to share that exciting news again.

amother

Honey

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 4:41 pm

When my child was in the hospital with life threatening side effects, where we didn't know what the next moment will bring....someone told me.....oh you think only you have tzaros? Everyone has.....just because I don't talk about mine.....you know what I'm going thru.....my dgtr has lice!?!?!