What NOT to say | Imamother

amother

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:42 pm

amother Honey wrote:

When I was sitting Shiva after my father, as a senior. I had to dance 40x that my first classmate got engaged, because each one of my classmates that walked thru the door, had to share that exciting news again.

That’s awful. Hug

Giraffe

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:44 pm

This topic confirmed to me I was right to just suffer to myself. For instance, my daughter got hit by a bike and was in the ER but I never told anyone. I got way too many of these comments for even more minor things. I see even literal tragedies get the same comments.

amother

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:46 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

I was an older single with a broken engagement and I don't think any of these comments are offensive. What always go me was "iyh by you" at a younger siblings simcha.

I felt that the ”iyH by you” (while a little annoying to hear a million times in a row in the same evening) was a brocha and showed that the person wished me well…I didn’t find it offensive. But the other comments definitely bothered me.

I guess even with “what not to say” different things will bother different people.

amother

Black

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 10:08 pm

Sitting shivah for a parent who had been ill- 'You stayed with x hospital? Why didn't you go to y? Why didn't you call Dr. Z?' So, so ridiculous and painful, after my siblings and I spent the last several weeks, day and night, researching, advocating, and fighting for the best care possible. Our interrogator had no idea, of course. And apparently thought that it was her duty to make us feel guilty in addition to deeply mourning our beloved parent.

When it became clear that my child had severe disabilities and medical challenges, it's shocking how many people knew that he'd be fine. When his very necessary g-tube was placed, I was politely accused of being too lazy to take the time to feed my child. I had people express admiration and envy for the fact that my child was placed in a special needs school and received a lot of therapy (because their kids also couldn't use scissors well or spoke with a lisp, just like my child who remains wheelchair dependent and non-verbal). And when he spent weeks at a time in critical condition in the PICU, one helpful acquaintance informed me that children always get sick in hospitals so I really need to avoid taking him there.

The vast majority of people really are empathetic, kind and appropriate, but the few clueless individuals are so memorable!

amother

Peachpuff

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:36 am

amother Navy wrote:

somebody (secular) who lost her child said that the most supportive comment that she appreciated the most was when somebody just said “F*ck”. With all her empathy in this one word. Perhaps we need to find a nicer word but the truth is, such a loss is brutal. Horrible. Unimaginable. Excruciatingly painful. Any words of “comfort” may invalidate the extreme discomfort of the situation.
Just expressing our own pain may be enough.

Someone said something so similar to meafter a second devastating loss in the space of a few months and I felt so validated!

Like yes! Yes!

Now I'm wracking my brain to think who it was and how they said it.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:39 am

amother Navy wrote:

I had similar. A friend from a different social circle asked “ permission to cuss” when I shared a Very Bad piece of news. She belted out a cuss that would make a sailor blush but I felt so seen, validated, heard

tree of life

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:36 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

When someone found out I lost a child to SIDS the first thing she said was
Was he vaccinated?

Sending you hugs
Having lost my brother to Sids my heart is with you may your babies neshama have a Aliya in ganeden

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:38 am

amother Brass wrote:

Well the language is crude but I agree with the sentiment.

It's a very uncomfortable thing for many of us. We want to comfort our friend. We want to say something that will somehow lighten their pain. But there really is nothing to say to make it better. Hug them. Cry with them. Agree the situation is awful. If you think you can be of service (pitching in for meals, childcare, that sort of thing) offer it. There really is nothing else.

To feel for them, its Imoi anochi btzarah
To find a more refined way ..

amother

Crystal

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:04 am

Was the life saving (but also life altering) medical procedure you had REALLY necessary? Did your doctor really not have any other options? Why didn't you go to a different doctor?

Oh yeah, that hospital (where complete emergency life saving procedure occurred) is terrible! We don't like them.

Don't say you're done. You can try again in a few years! (Really? Are you my doctor????)

You should go to specialist my friend went to! (When they actually have no idea what your specific problem is)

You know X cousin MIGHT also not be able to have more kids. (She did...)

Person who knows I can't have any more telling me a few months later that she dreamt I was pregnant and then looks at me meaningfully to see my reaction.

singleagain

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:26 am

Don't ask "what happened?" Especially when a freak accident happens... You probably heard the cliff notes and you aren't entitled to the whole story with all the nitty gritty details.

When I was getting divorced everyone wanted to know why... Does it really matter why? Of course not? Do you really think we didn't try to put things right... We did {or at least I did... but 🙄.. water under the bridge} trust me when the thing that happens that makes the decision... It's only after everything else that went wrong.

ETA: to expound on the freak accident bit... I'm talking about hearing someone has been to the hospital, it doesn't really matter if it was a car accident or a heart attack... They will probably still need the same kind of help with meals, grocery shopping, carpool, laundry etc. You really don't need details. You're just making the family relive their trauma by asking.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:19 am

amother Crystal wrote:

Person who knows I can't have any more telling me a few months later that she dreamt I was pregnant and then looks at me meaningfully to see my reaction.

This is the situation where one should ask the dreaming lady "Why are you even telling me this?"

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:24 am

grace413 wrote:

I'm very glad this thread was posted.

1. It gives me the opportunity to say my favorite sentence "People are idiots."

2. BH nobody said anything awful like that to me when my DH died recently.

I'm sorry for your loss grace413 Flower

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:34 am

1.. I heard, What a nebach. I feel sorry for you. (Woman in shule who never said one word to me until that day)

2. When are you going back to work? (Worlds best boss)

3. Is my invite for Shabbos still applicable? (sitting shiva)

amother

Brass

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:39 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

OMG. I can maybe excuse #2; someone running a business does need to know your plans to return to the job, however awful the situation, though timing and tact need to be right on this.

But wow. It's almost like they are trying to be jerks.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:03 am

amother Maple wrote:

Please no airy fairy hashgacha pratit stories.
Those should be banned most of the time but when someone is grieving- just don’t.
Regarding your “at least” comments/ I know someone who told a mother of an extremely sick child who was a twin- at least you have the other one. I kid you not. Let that sink in and you’ll never ever do the “at least” stuff again.

I agree that the "at least you have the other twin" comment is horrible, and I think most ppl would think that.
However.
I have a relative who sat Shiva for one of his identical twin sons. At the Shiva he said "at least Hashem gave me a small nechama,, that when I miss [dead twin] I can look at [live twin] and see him again."
I was aghast. But he was sitting Shiva for his son, and this is how he felt, and of course I didn't say anything.