WWYD BIL wants to buy us a gift we don't want

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:52 pm

I'm married for about 5 years now.

My older single BIL (DH's much older brother) just reached out to him and said that he would like to buy us a belated wedding gift.

A record player.

BIL has been through some hard times recently and his mental state isn't the best. My DH feels we should graciously accept because it will make him feel good.

I have no idea where I would put a record player where it would be safe from my little kids (I also live in a small apartment), and even if I knew, it would probably just gather dust. It feels like a waste of a present.

WWYD?

amother

PlumPink

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:54 pm

accept gracefully and maybe put it out when he comes?

what would be your other option?

what even is a record player? like the old fashioned music thingys?

Success10

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:55 pm

Are you upset because it takes up space or because you'd rather the money be spent on something useful? How often does bil stop by? Will he notice if you sold it on eBay?

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:55 pm

amother PlumPink wrote:

accept gracefully and maybe put it out when he comes?

what would be your other option?

what even is a record player? like the old fashioned music thingys?

Yes exactly... like my grandparents have.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:57 pm

Success10 wrote:

Are you upset because it takes up space or because you'd rather the money be spent on something useful? How often does bil stop by? Will he notice if you sold it on eBay?

Both. It will just be clutter and it feels like a present that's about him and his interests (retro things) vs us. He never comes, he lives in a different city. I doubt he would know if we sold it on eBay but I'm sure he would ask how we're enjoying it and would be very hurt if he knew we sold it

wife101

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would accept it and put it away up in a closet.

amother

Oak

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:00 pm

You can totally say that the kids would break the record player within a few days, you live in a small space and can’t keep it away from them. It’s nothing personal, just a fact of life.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:02 pm

I agree with above. Tell Him thanks so much but you have nowhere safe to Store it In your small Apartment And kids will likely break it.

lamplighter

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:04 pm

You accept graciously.

The other alternative is to tell him that you know how valuable this is and you're worried the kids will break it. See what he says.

amother

Molasses

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:10 pm

It’s all in presentation.
Thank you so much. It is so thoughtful and generous of you. Unfortunately, at this time the kids will distroy it as our home is small and there is no safe place to put it. It would really be a shame to waste it, so it’s doesn’t make sense at this time. I appreciate you checking with us before spending your money and gifting us something we can’t use. Once again, thank you for thinking of us and wanting to gift us, it is so so kind of you.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:15 pm

amother Molasses wrote:

I like this script. Thank you.

I really do see where my DH is coming from, because this is a big step coming from my BIL recently. He's quite lonely, has some medical challenges as well, and while he won't admit it has an ongoing addiction. So maybe I can try to frame it to myself as a chesed that I will accept this present which will take up space somewhere in my very storage challenged apartment...

savta3

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:34 pm

Look at it the opposite way around. You are not getting a gift. You are doing a chessed with your BIL. Because of his medical condition, when he wants to give you an amazing gift he can only see what he would have wanted. So just thank him profusely, and keep it until he visits you at some point. After that you can sell it/ throw it in the garbage and if he ever comes again, tell him the kids broke it (beware: he might buy you a replacement).

When people give gifts, many people give what they would like to receive, and your only choice is to accept gracefully if they are someone relatively close to you and might find out. (I have a totally useless gift taking up precious closet space, and I take it out when the giver is visiting. My relationship with them is worth more than the closet space.)

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

as someone who is NOT a minimalist and has plenty of her own junk
I do not agree with this
you give me a gift, I get to decide what to do with it. in this case, sell or give it away or throw it out. I'm not keeping it in a closet just bc you think I should have it.
if he ever asks about it, yes I would absolutely lie and say we are enjoying it. and if he ever visits I'd say the kids broke it.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:46 pm

amother Molasses wrote:

This. It’s his brother. You’re allowed to be open. My husband has a brother who also is sorta eccentric and would do something like this (not a record player nessesarily but would buy something he thinks is good based on his interests). My husband would definitely be open about it. Especially if you have so space!

abound

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:58 pm

Defer to your husband on this, its his brother, he knows his brother better than u do, and for sure more than random ppl on the internet.
You are also getting between your husbands relationship with his brother.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:03 pm

abound wrote:

I find it valuable to hear a variety of perspectives on this kind of question, where there is no right or wrong.

I can't ask people IRL because it wouldn't be fair to my BIL (his challenges aren't public)

I won't necessarily listen to Imamothers' advice, but from past experience it helps me think deeper about an issue

Thank you for your second point though... something to think about here as well

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:05 pm

What about dh's parents? Would they have space for it and would they take it? Then you can accept it but say you need to keep it at mom and dad's for safety? Plus, since it sounds like a gift that's more for him than for you, he can enjoy it himself whenever he's there.