WWYD BIL wants to buy us a gift we don't want

amother

Silver

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:56 pm

Accept graciously to preserve his feelings, then sell it on ebay or give it away. I would gladly take it off your hands since our turntable died years ago and I have no way to play our LPs.

amother

Gray

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:57 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Wow. A record player is something you find in a great grandmother’s attic. Please find a nice way to tell him that you would feel terrible if your kids break his precious gift. I think it’s fine if you suggest something similar but more current. Like an MP3 player. With the right words you can still make him feel good and appreciate his gift for real.

OMG, these responses make me feel like I was born before there was indoor plumbing. Lol. I am under 40 and I had a brand new record player that I got as a kid. Records were also played at school all the time. I am far, far from a great grandmother. It's not as old as you think.

NechaMom

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:59 pm

amother Gray wrote:

Do they still sell records? I thought even CD players are mostly out by now. We must be living on two different planets!

NechaMom

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:00 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Op- is the record player one that can be stored in a closet or is it a piece of furniture like the one I had growing up.
Like this
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1.....D_BwE

I really hope her BIL is not spending this amount for something she won’t be able to keep. Sad

amother

Hosta

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:01 pm

Dh knows the situation and his brother best
It’s primarily their relationship
So I’d let him decide
And then yeah put it away give it away whatever makes the most sense given the dynamics

tichellady

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:23 pm

lamplighter wrote:

I disagree. If you decide to decline a gift you don't ask for something in its stead.

You are free to disagree. I think when it comes to siblings offering a gift it’s fine to say what you actually want but probably depends on the family dynamics. A gift is supposed to be a gift not a burden but we can disagree about how that plays out. I have been told that I am very good at setting boundaries so perhaps this doesn’t work for everyone

amother

Navy

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:41 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Do they still sell records? I thought even CD players are mostly out by now. We must be living on two different planets!

Records are still fashionable in a retro way. People still like to play vinyl and have records, much the same as other collector type items.
CDs don't have the same cult following, so are slowly phasing out.

Op, I would say, if there's a way of suggesting he buy an alternate gift without offending him, then totally try. But if you think he would be offended or it would affect your relationship, then I would just let him buy you the gift.
And you can let the kids accidently break it at some point, so when he asks about it, unfortunately it got broken. Or you can offer he looks after the record player in his place so it doesn't get broken, and he can enjoy it.
I have relatives that buy gifts that they would enjoy receiving and are unable to understand that others wouldn't always feel the same. And I smile politely and thank them and we move on. Thankfully they don't seem to remember what they gave us, or ask much about it.

lamplighter

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:48 pm

tichellady wrote:

Based on the OPs post regarding her BIL and their relationship this is not about setting boundaries. There is a place for that, in my opinion this is the place to be kind.

amother

Azalea

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:51 pm

If BIL is having mental health issues, and is wanting to gift you something that he really values, I wouldn't turn it down, even with the amazing ideas people have had here.

Especially if he's dealing with addiction, he's going through having to get rid of a large part of his life and feeling he's constantly told he needs to change himself. It's great for him to focus on an interest that is healthy and try to share it with others. I would try to find a record in your kids' wheelhouse and set it up and play it for them, teach them about it, etc, while BIL is there if possible. (If not, send pictures or video.) Then put it away in the overstuffed storage area and pull it out for special occasions. You will be doing a huge chesed to BIL by allowing him to gift an acceptable, unique part of himself to your family.

ETA: Something like this, which I grew up with (and I'm only in my 40's): https://www.ebay.com/itm/33418.....nspRj

amother

Apricot

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:09 pm

We have a Fisher Price record player in the basement and my kids love to listen to the old records from when I was growing up - Bambi, Cinderella, Dumbo and others. It’s so relaxing and the opposite of today’s screen time. I am also not a great grandmother.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:37 pm

savta3 wrote:

Look at it the opposite way around. You are not getting a gift. You are doing a chessed with your BIL. Because of his medical condition, when he wants to give you an amazing gift he can only see what he would have wanted. So just thank him profusely, and keep it until he visits you at some point. After that you can sell it/ throw it in the garbage and if he ever comes again, tell him the kids broke it (beware: he might buy you a replacement).

When people give gifts, many people give what they would like to receive, and your only choice is to accept gracefully if they are someone relatively close to you and might find out. (I have a totally useless gift taking up precious closet space, and I take it out when the giver is visiting. My relationship with them is worth more than the closet space.)

Thank you. This is a thoughtful post.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:39 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

I was in the almost exact situation as you a few years ago. That gift is indeed gathering dust but I wasn't going to turn it down. DH even admitted to him at some point that we don't actually use it and he wasn't too bothered. He wanted us to have it and we do, and that's all that matters.

Some people aren't able to think beyond their own likes and dislikes and they want others to have what they like. If the script provided above doesn't help him change his mind, I'd accept it graciously and stash it away. It's a small sacrifice for family.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:40 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

I think you're right.

This is a nice idea! I know he would feel amazing!

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:38 pm

amother Gray wrote:

Where’d you grow up? I’m 37 and other than my grandparents, NO ONE had record players. We listened to cassette tapes.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:53 pm

I'm also 37. Most of my childhood memories about music involve tapes on cassette and videos on VCR, but my parents also had (and still have!) a record player, and I have vague memories of listening to records when I was under age 5 or so.

I think we might have had that 613 Torah Avenue record, once upon a time. Definitely I remember tapes of Kivi and Tuki that included lines like, "Time to turn the record over and start again!"

amother

Cherry

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:55 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Where’d you grow up? I’m 37 and other than my grandparents, NO ONE had record players. We listened to cassette tapes.

I’m 37 too and we had a record player too. And a kiddie one.

amother

Hydrangea

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:09 pm

I'm going to go against what everyone is saying here and maybe I didn't read the entire thread. Growing up with hoarder family members I think it's really wrong for people to force gifts on you. For so many years I was told what I had to store and keep in my house and I finally put my foot down. It's not a gift if it's useless and not even remotely wanted. Tell him thank you but you don't have the space for it.

amother

Plum

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

I’m 37 too and we had a record player too. And a kiddie one.

Same age and we also had a record player but it was old and finicky and we didn’t replace it when it broke. Was fun while it lasted.

amother

Pink

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I like this script. Thank you.

I really do see where my DH is coming from, because this is a big step coming from my BIL recently. He's quite lonely, has some medical challenges as well, and while he won't admit it has an ongoing addiction. So maybe I can try to frame it to myself as a chesed that I will accept this present which will take up space somewhere in my very storage challenged apartment...

Can you add to that script, "We appreciate that you wanted to get us something to fill our home with music, if you'd still like to get a gift, a (Naki radio, mp3 player, Bluetooth speaker, etc.) might be something that would work better in our circumstances." ?

STMommy

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:31 pm

Slightly off-topic but just because some people here are having a side conversation about this...As a previous poster said, among the Gen-Zers, vinyl is definitely back in style. My teenager asked for a record player for Chanukah!