Ought I make her get her father a gift

amother

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:08 am

While I was away with dd 12, I mentioned to her to get a gift for her father from our vacation ( we are divorced and dd lives with me most of the time). She didn't seem very enthusiastic about it and replied, 'what do you care, you haven't got much to do with him. (And neither does she. I dont know if she even told him we are going on vacation.)

So I am leaving it.
And no gift has been bought yet.

Am I supposed to encourage her more, I mentioned it twice?

amother

Tealblue

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:12 am

I don’t know.
I will say that encouraging or forcing is probably not the answer but maybe bring mechanech as to why one should (and maybe also getting a gift for your parents if they is pertinent) is possibly a better approach.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:14 am

amother OP wrote:

While I was away with dd 12, I mentioned to her to get a gift for her father from our vacation ( we are divorced and dd lives with me most of the time). She didn't seem very enthusiastic about it and replied, 'what do you care, you haven't got much to do with him. (And neither does she. I dont know if she even told him we are going on vacation.)

So I left it.
And no gift was bought yet.

Am I supposed to encourage her more, I mentioned it twice?

As a fellow divorcee - you shouldn’t have mentioned it to begin with.

amother

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:17 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

That's why I mentioned it, for chinuch purposes.
Dd asked me why she should.
Otoh maybe not everyone brings gifts back.

For my parents dd has no problem getting gifts .....

chestnut

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:18 am

amother OP wrote:

You did your part. It's up to her now.

amother

Hyacinth

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 10:19 am

amother Pewter wrote:

As a fellow divorcee - you shouldn’t have mentioned it to begin with.

I'm a divorcee, too and I think it was the right thing to mention it. But now the ball is in her daughter's court

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 11:38 am

OP, don't nudge her. You can ask once if she wants to buy a gift. If she doesn't want, let it go or she may end up being resentful of you.

ellacoe

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 12:13 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

As a fellow divorcee - you shouldn’t have mentioned it to begin with.

That might the right thing in your case, however it is not universal to everyone. Often a parent mentioning something like this is liberating for the child. Sometimes the child is conflicted and might want to show a kindness to one parent but is hesitant because they think it will upset the other parent. By asking questions like this, the child may be relieved to know that it is ok and not feel guilty or torn.

seeker

Sat, Dec 30 2023, 6:33 pm

I think mentioning it was nice. After that it's up to her, unless she would need your help to access it (e.g. take her to a store) in which case you might offer to do that but still leave it up to her.

socialbutterfly

Sat, Dec 30 2023, 6:37 pm

Two times is enough. If she hasn't taken the initiative at this point, I don't think she will.

She probably understands the good message you are giving her and it will probably stick in her mind (awesome chinuch!), but you can't force the relationship.

amother

Cerulean

Sat, Dec 30 2023, 6:38 pm

I suggest/encourage/facilitate/finance my kids buying birthday and Father’s Day presents for xdh but would never force it.

amother

Cerulean

Sat, Dec 30 2023, 6:39 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

As a fellow divorcee - you shouldn’t have mentioned it to begin with.

What is the rationale for not even mentioning it?

amother

Hotpink

Sat, Dec 30 2023, 6:46 pm

I'm also divorced and I don't get involved in my son's relationship with his father. It's hard enough managing my own relationship with him! 😉