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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:51 pm
I lost it.I tried everything to set him up for success tonight. Fresh hot dinner ready when he came home. Told him about something fun that would happen after dinner and homework.
I prepare a plate and what does he say? “X has a much bigger piece! I want a bigger piece!”
Then proceeds to tease younger siblings and say bathroom words at the table then throws his dirty napkin on my plate of food then grabs the fork off a siblings plate and tries to steal their food.
I lost it. I worked hard and I can’t stand a messy house. I carried him upstairs and yelled and got in his face and held him down by his arms so he wouldn’t run out of his room.
After I cooled down I went to his room and apologized and we worked out an incentive plan to hopefully avoid rude behavior and stick to respectful behavior but I honestly feel terrible. I’m in therapy but I just can’t handle this kid. My other kids and I all do well together. It’s never like this with them. It’s this kid’s tough personality.
I’m so so sad
If anyone has ideas please share
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amother
Lily
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:54 pm
Your a fantastic mother striving for success!
were human were always trying to become better and yes we make mistakes but its great your just growing from your mistake.
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amother
Lily
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:54 pm
Your a fantastic mother striving for success!
were human were always trying to become better and yes we make mistakes but its great your just growing from your mistake.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:55 pm
| amother Lily wrote: | Your a fantastic mother striving for success!
were human were always trying to become better and yes we make mistakes but its great your just growing from your mistake. |
Eh
If he does this again tomorrow I’ll lose it again
I don’t have the skills to deal with it
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amother
White
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:58 pm
Ding ding ding that’s your answer!
Good luck- I also have one kid who triggers me and I lose it him. 
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BrisketBoss
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:59 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Eh
If he does this again tomorrow I’ll lose it again
I don’t have the skills to deal with it |
Yeah, I feel that. And it's a skills issue for him too. Will an incentive system help change his behavior? Maybe...would it change yours?
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amother
Taupe
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:59 pm
It's so hard. Sending hugs! You really tried your best.
Can you take a nap during the day before he gets home?
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:04 pm
| amother Taupe wrote: | It's so hard. Sending hugs! You really tried your best.
Can you take a nap during the day before he gets home? |
I work… no
Thanks for the hugs
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:06 pm
| BrisketBoss wrote: | | Yeah, I feel that. And it's a skills issue for him too. Will an incentive system help change his behavior? Maybe...would it change yours? |
If his behavior changes I won’t be so easily triggered. I don’t lose it like this on my other kids bec they’re not triggering me.
Each of his behaviors I could have handled if it came on it’s own but the succession and escalation was too much
I hope the incentives work bec otherwise I’m in big trouble
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amother
NeonYellow
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:09 pm
You said you're in therapy but what about this kid? Sounds like he can do with behavioral help too.
It doesn't sound like it's all your fault, this kid should be getting the help he needs.
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BrisketBoss
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:09 pm
| amother OP wrote: | If his behavior changes I won’t be so easily triggered. I don’t lose it like this on my other kids bec they’re not triggering me.
Each of his behaviors I could have handled if it came on it’s own but the succession and escalation was too much
I hope the incentives work bec otherwise I’m in big trouble |
Right, so something about the situation changing would work better for you than somebody setting up a reward chart for you, yes? Because you already want things to change. It's just too hard to deal with the way it is right now, and that difficulty expresses itself in unproductive ways.
What I'm saying is it's the same for the kid. Have you heard of Ross Greene and collaborative problem solving?
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:14 pm
| BrisketBoss wrote: | Right, so something about the situation changing would work better for you than somebody setting up a reward chart for you, yes? Because you already want things to change. It's just too hard to deal with the way it is right now, and that difficulty expresses itself in unproductive ways.
What I'm saying is it's the same for the kid. Have you heard of Ross Greene and collaborative problem solving? |
I read the book but can’t imagine it working. I will try though
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:14 pm
| amother NeonYellow wrote: | You said you're in therapy but what about this kid? Sounds like he can have done outside behavioral help too.
It doesn't sound like it's all your fault, this kid should be getting the help he needs. |
Supposedly at this age it’s parenting work, not individual therapy that’s done.
He’s 6
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BrisketBoss
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:15 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I read the book but can’t imagine it working. I will try though |
There's also a podcast that people call into and a Facebook group if you're on there. You'll see a lot more real life scenarios.
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amother
Taupe
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:16 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Supposedly at this age it’s parenting work, not individual therapy that’s done.
He’s 6 |
That's ridiculous, I have a 5 year old in therapy.
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amother
NeonYellow
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:24 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Supposedly at this age it’s parenting work, not individual therapy that’s done.
He’s 6 |
Supposedly? Where are you getting this info?
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mha3484
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:24 pm
I have a 9 year old like this. ITS SO HARD. I have figured out some stuff that helps and then new stuff pops up like wack a mole but three major things that keep me from really loosing it are
1) The book the Explosive Child. https://livesinthebalance.org/.....lies/ This book/method really changed how I saw my kids issues and I became a lot more empathetic which cut down on my desire to loose it on him. I changed my mindset to seeing how he really is having a hard time in life and he is not being willfully defiant. This took a while it wasn't a fast process but it did help a lot.
2) HALT: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. When I started sorting the behavior into one of those 4 categories it was almost always one of the 4 and it helped me be proactive so that he was more regulated and so I was I.
3) I have mantras I tell myself like kids do well when they can not when they want to. And if he is giving me a hard time he is having an even harder time himself. Reminding myself of this helps a lot. I went to a parenting group and the leader said if your kid is dyslexic we expect the school to provide differentiated instruction the same with kids like this, we need differentiated discipline. I felt so validated.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:27 pm
| mha3484 wrote: | I have a 9 year old like this. ITS SO HARD. I have figured out some stuff that helps and then new stuff pops up like wack a mole but three major things that keep me from really loosing it are
1) The book the Explosive Child. https://livesinthebalance.org/.....lies/ This book/method really changed how I saw my kids issues and I became a lot more empathetic which cut down on my desire to loose it on him. I changed my mindset to seeing how he really is having a hard time in life and he is not being willfully defiant. This took a while it wasn't a fast process but it did help a lot.
2) HALT: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. When I started sorting the behavior into one of those 4 categories it was almost always one of the 4 and it helped me be proactive so that he was more regulated and so I was I.
3) I have mantras I tell myself like kids do well when they can not when they want to. And if he is giving me a hard time he is having an even harder time himself. Reminding myself of this helps a lot. I went to a parenting group and the leader said if your kid is dyslexic we expect the school to provide differentiated instruction the same with kids like this, we need differentiated discipline. I felt so validated. |
Can you tell me more about what the differentiated discipline looks like
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 3:28 pm
From the therapist I work with and from what I’ve read about it
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amother
Seablue
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Tue, Jan 02 2024, 4:00 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Supposedly at this age it’s parenting work, not individual therapy that’s done.
He’s 6 |
6 year olds can get counseling, social skills classes, OT.
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