Experienced imas, help me with this child

amother

Thu, Jan 04 2024, 11:28 pm

I have 2 children in a row that are the same gender. child A is turning out to be a golden child - teacher's pet, smart, curious, kind, talented.

child B is a real challenge. this kid is a whole separate story. like just programmed differently (I did get both ADHD and ASD diagnosis for this one). they're hard to parent and also just so different from their siblngs.

some concerns I'd love for an experienced mommy to weigh in on:

1. how much do I push or expect of this kid? I realize that I really expect nothing and I've been trying to consciously treat this kid like I did A. let's say when A was little I let A stay up late for something, or track their own chanukah gelt. B gets put to bed early (because of sensory overload and can't handle late bedtimes) and got a token $5 to spend and didn't even know the difference.

how much is realistic expectations vs setting the bar too low?

2. I've never really connected with B. I had severe PPD and I remember as young as 9 months old feeling like I didn't have a grasp on this child. I probably posted here then. I did all the things, nursing, some babywearing, etc but I never really "got" this kid. I also kind of have no memory of their whole babyhood and toddlerhood and I just make up memories like "oh yeah you also loved this toy when you were a baby" although I have zero recollection.

I'm always asked in evaluations "what is your child's strengths" and I always say "oh they're so kind" because I honestly have no idea. I feel so bad that they have a mother who doesn't deeply sense and know who they are. I try to spend time and talk at bedtime but it's like I can't get through to this kid's head.

3. I'm so worried about the sibling dynamics, as B will follow A through life and A will set all these expectations as the older sibling. I'll probably have them in 2 different schools anyways... dh says I'm making up problems but just imagine siblings following each other through school and camp and life, and the younger one is sooo different both from golden child A and even from younger siblings....

appreciate all input and advice

amother

Black

Thu, Jan 04 2024, 11:34 pm

I have the same situation. I don't push child B hard and I never compare them. Now as they get older I'm seeing that child B has their own ways of shining. And I realized that I need to parent each child according to their needs. I do things very differently with child B because I'm setting them up to live their best life and it's going to be different than child's A life.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jan 04 2024, 11:40 pm

That you wrote this post at all means you are very in tune with child B. The story of knowing, so sensitively, when to put him to BED because he was getting sensory overload is NOT too-low expectations, it is just right.

Look at the kid. If he seems happy to be him, well, that's your answer.

Remember Zebulon and Issachar. They had a mutuality going even though they were very different. This might work out that way.

You don't 'not get' this kid. You do get this kid. He's a quieter, less in-your-face, kid. That's him. Not you.