Teach me what to do at my dd’s wedding

amother

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 4:48 am

We live waaay oot and IYH are going to be making a wedding in Lakewood. We’re BT’s and we live in a community that has lots of BT’s, tbh I don’t go to many weddings and I don’t know what to do.

How do I start dancing when my dd comes in after the yichud room? How long should I dance with her? Her MIL goes next? Do MIL and I dance together? What are the rules for the dancing? Sisters and SILs? Extended family?

After the chuppah, what do I do? Where do I go?

How long does the yichud room take?

How long do pictures take?

After benching, when and how does the new couple leave? When can dh and I leave?

amother

Stonewash

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 5:35 am

Nowhere near up to making a wedding, but the dancing part I think DD would know. I'm assuming she's been to at least a few of her friends weddings? She'll know when to take your hands and when to gently let go. You can discuss it with her beforehand for reassurance as well...

amother

Peru

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 5:43 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm an FFB in town (sort of), had many siblings/in law chasunos but still didn't know what to do! One doesn't really pay att to things and then when you need it...help!

Dancing is cultural, you'll have to find out what the norms are-your dd should know.

As far as the chuppa/yichud room goes, I asked dd's kallah teacher for an info session. No all will do that but you can ask a rebetzen/mentor/older friend. It's easier thn askig lots of different people, that just gets confusing.

amother

Jade

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 6:26 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

I wouldn't rely on this, there's so much going on for the Kalla already
Better find out beforehand (even by asking daughter what she sees done) and YOU be the one to take the lead and gently let go of her hands...
Mazal Tov!

amother

Melon

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 6:33 am

amother OP wrote:

1. You dance with DD first, enough time to enjoy it- a couple of mins I think?
She'll then dance with her MIL, sometimes MIL & Mother dance with kallah together sometimes not.
Later on by second dance- sometimes your friends will make their own circle around you or around her and then you can dance together

2. For chuppah and yichud room timings- there will be someone running the hall that will tell you

3. After chuppah go greet guests or maybe eat a drop until pictures

4. Couple leaves after dancing usually in a limo right after sheva brachos.
You can pack up and leave after seeing them off.

And for all the people that are going to have criticism of this- I have no hakpados- just trying to help OP

amother

Clematis

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 8:10 am

You stand at the end of the arches line where she runs through-all the way at the end, so that when she gets there you start dancing with her right away. Dance for a few minutes, pose for a picture, and then MIL dances with her. Then comes grandmothers, sisters, sisters in law, then aunts cousins and friends. Sometimes when the kallah is done dancing with her last sister you join in with all your girls.

After chuppah people will come up to you and say Mazel tov, you stand there and receive them, eventually the hall will be trying to usher you out of the room, so you go to the ballroom, say hi to your guests until it’s time for pictures. Take pictures, then go sit and eat for like a min or 2 until the music starts. When the friends start lining up with arches go to the end.

At the end of the wedding DD might need help gathering her stuff, maybe taking off her gown, etc so typically you will leave after her.

amother

Daphne

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 8:16 am

If this is your first wedding make a list of pictures you want taken so that you’ll be happy after.
For ex: obviously Kallah by herself
But also kallah with just mom
Kallah with just dad
Kallah with both
Kallah with grandparents (if applicable)
Parents by themselves ( my parents were always so happy they ended up with one couple pic.)
Kallah with each sibling separately
Each sibling separately ( if it’s a large family write down name of the kids and give to photographer so he doesn’t miss anyone)
Kallah with all sisters
Kallah with all brothers
Brothers by themselves
Sisters by themselves
Mother with all girls
Father with all brothers
Mother with all brothers
Fathers with all girls
Family picture with space for chosson Kallah
Family picture with grandparents and without
All siblings picture (no parents)

After chuppah:
Mom just try to eat a little
You can walk around a bit to take pictures at each table
Photographer should tell you when to go to chuppah room to take picture with chosson and Kallah
Usually that is first and then you will still have 10to 15 minutes while they take their own pictures.

Dancing: friends will do arches you stand in the middle of the room next to mil. She will dance with you first then mother in law and any grandmothers. (Make sure photographer gets pictures after each dance)
Then her sisters in age order
Then chossons sisters in age order.
Then usually cousins or aunts or anyone else
2nd dance you will probably have your own circle with friends and relatives but try to go back to your daughter for some more nice pictures.

End of wedding: chosson and Kallah leave after sheva brachos (chosson takes care of car so either he will have a rented car that he drives or he will hire a limo)

You can say goodbye and then get ready to leave don’t leave anything behind

Mazel tov!!

happy7

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 8:24 am

Watch some videos. You will see that the whole mother/daughter dance is maybe 20-30 seconds. It seems much longer, but it is not.

Also, fyi, though it seems much longer, the entire first dance is 20-25 minutes. You can check with your musician, but this is what we were told by our event planner (She said that when it is pushed more, the kallah runs out of energy. She said most kallahs think they will want to dance forever, but they actually don’t have the physical strength)

After the chuppah, the rav will tell you whether to come towards the Yichud room or not. It is done differently by every rabbi.

Once the couple goes into the room, you will leave. You are the hostess at this event. You have to spend your time reading your guests. You will think them for coming and being there. When the couple comes out of the room, you’ll be very busy taking pictures with them. When the family finishes doing the pictures, you will go into the hall and continue to greet guests. This is your chance to eat something.
When the couple is done, taking their pictures, and they are ready to come into the hall for dancing, you will check if your daughter needs your help with anything. If yes, you will help her, and if not, you will stand at the end of those arches.
Are you having an event coordinator or a party planner?
If yes, they will tell you what to do and where to be.
If not, the photographer or caterer can give you some guidance in advance

amother

Lily

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 8:52 am

First of all, Mazal Tov. Your dd's wedding is a very big occasion. It's a little complicated since you are both a hostess and a celebrant at one of your most important life's occasions. Here are some things to keep in mind for your role:
Getting ready: You may help your daughter with buttoning her gown or putting on jewelry. You may also be the point person to coordinate with planner or venue rep on schedule and when everyone needs to be in certain places. It's a good idea to get a copy of the schedule in advance, read it over, and keep it nearby day of. Also, have an organized and trusted family member designated to take envelopes with money gifts. They should count as envelopes are given and make sure that chosen and Kallah get all the envelopes (but maybe not that night).

Kabalas Panim/shmorg: You will walk your daughter in with her MIL and sit on the platform greeting guests. You may also get up briefly and at some point will be called into the Tish with your machatenester to break the plate. Then, you will hurry back to the kabalas panim to get positioned for bringing in the groom and the bedekin. Keep tissues nearby. The bedekin is often emotional with fathers/grandfathers/fathers in law (and in some cases mothers) giving brachas and hugs. Try to take a second to really be in the moment and live the joy. Other people will be taking photos and videos. After the bedekin, you will walk with your veiled daughter to the area where family are lining up for the chuppah. I found that this is a time when family gets to say last important things to their single child. It also can be very emotional but sometimes there is laughing, too! Help your daughter so she doesn't trip on her gown.

Chuppah: After you walk down the aisle, you will walk up to the chuppah, which is organized either by family or gender. Walk up carefully, and be aware of dd's hem. You and machatenester will hold her arm and train as she circles the chosen 7x. Then, you will probably hold her bouquet and later the ketubbah (unless there is a easel to hold it). She may have given friends jewelry to hold for a segula in advance of the chuppah or she may give it to you to wear. After the chuppah is over, make sure she gets jewelry back and someone should put ketubbah in a safe place.

Reception/Party: When Kallah goes to yichud, go take a bathroom break and touch up your makeup (happy tears, lipstick). Get a cool drink and perhaps sit for a minute or two. Dancing will start either immediately after yichud or after photos. If it's the latter, try to eat something quickly (if you have a plated appetizer). When dancing starts, you and daughter will start together and then MIL, sisters, aunts, cousins and close friends get pulled into circles. It will happen organically. People will get pulled in and out. Circles will open and close and form again. This goes on for some time. If you have a mens side, dd will get pulled in to sit for dancing at some point (depending on your circles) During dinner, you will get a chance to see your guests. Parents eat very little at wedding, so have a plan for later with caterer giving you leftovers. People will start to leave after main course is served and there will be a second round of dancing. You'll be up and greeting guests. Check to make sure chosen and Kallah are drinking water to keep hydrated.
If you are Chassidish, there will be a mitzvah tantz at the end and grammen. I'm not Chassidish, but I believe that is only close family and can go quite late.

When wedding is over, you may feel an adrenaline high or exhaustion. I had to sit for about an hour and zaydie (my father) wanted to recap with me. You may have to collect flowers and benchers or make sure vendors are paid (you need to organize envelopes and payments in advance and have a checklist and point person). You should check in advance to see if DD will want help getting out of her dress and organizing her departure (tread carefully, this may be a little embarrassing).
After all this, it's on to sheva brachos and the week ahead. Enjoy the fun but pace yourself, especially if you're hosting Shabbos. We came home from our OOT wedding to find that one of our fridges had broken before we were to host 50 people in our home for that Shabbos. It was off to best buy that night and we actually drove a fridge home. Hopefully, it won't be so dramatic, but accept help and try to get some rest as well.

amother

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:00 am

Thanks, this is all so helpful!! Someone mentioned helping my dd out of her gown before they go. Do all kallahs change before they go? What do they wear?

amother

DarkPurple

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:05 am

Often the new husband helps her out of her gown. And some leave with the gown still on.

Clarify before the wedding what you hold about covering hair during and after the wedding. There are different opinions.

amother

Nasturtium

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:08 am

You might also have to drive home.
We did a wedding for our children in Brooklyn on a freezing night.
My husband drank at the wedding and so it was left to me to drive the couple to their place (thankfully a family member was available to help them with all their stuff and walk them to the door so I didn’t have to get out of the car) and then I had to go to where we were staying and find parking (not a fun job in Brooklyn).
Just be prepared for things like that.

amother

Purple

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:09 am

amother OP wrote:

[For reference: yeshivish Lakewood weddings now and all weddings 20 years ago. I jave not married off my own, and have been to very few non Lakewood weddings in the past few years]

She and chosson come in snd afe announced.

Her friends will probably have are arches. She runs through. You and mil are last ones in the path. You yake het hands and dance. I dont think its much longer than anyone else but not sure.

Not written in stone, but ususlly her order of dancing is you, mil, grandmothers on both sides, then her sisters/sil in age order, then his sisters/sil in age order. Then she moves onto aunts, cousins, friends it becomes a mish mash.

Often, at some point (maybe when shes dancing w pple you dont know) you amd mil each make your own circle e your pple. I gave no idea how that happens or why.

After chuppah go to room for pictures w immediate family. Mill around w them.

Yichud is chosson kallah family dependent. She should ask her kallah teacher. You can ask yoir family rav in case you feel its been too long.

Pictures ask photographer.

After benching they may have kumzitzs or mill around w who ever is left for a bit. Theyll decide when to go. I dont see them usually rushing out, but I am only here this late if its close family! There is usually a nice ride for them. I think its usually a gift from chossons friends, but eithee way is boys side responsibility! Make sure she has her kesuba!

Parents are basically the last ones to leave. Check around that you didn't leave anything.

amother

Jean

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:10 am

To add.
I did not go with My dd to yichud room, the rav went and wedding planner I think....in would have known if she needed me , she didn't. her best friend hung close to her incase she needed anything at any time.
tell your dd bf any time she needs you and you're not by her side she asks the nearest person to get you.
re dancing....we practiced bf as iw anted to feel good about it and hate going. round and round (dizzy). she danced after me with mil and then the 3 of us together bf siblings and savtas....we also made a point to dance with shadchan and kallah teacher. I felt it was important.
please take dry snacks for yourself to eat after CHUPPA...you will need and may not feel like eating with everyone etc till later at dinner. granola bar, pretzels andnget a DD or friend to make sure to hand it to you at one point after CHUPPA and bf pictures

amother

Lily

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:12 am

See what's in your budget, but I would make sure the new couple has a car service for the night (limo, uber, taxi) to take them wherever they are going. I think it would be uncomfortable to have parents driving you there. Depending on your community and finances they may spend a few nights at a hotel before going back to their apartment.

amother

Clematis

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:19 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks, this is all so helpful!! Someone mentioned helping my dd out of her gown before they go. Do all kallahs change before they go? What do they wear?

It depends where they’re going. If going to a hotel she might prefer to change so she doesn’t have to shlep it all over, to the hotel and then back again. Depends if she’s living near the gown gmach/rental, if it’s your hometown it might be easier for you to return it. A lot of kallahs get a “kallah sweater” as a gift, so they wear that and a long skirt. If she’s going home to an apartment, she might just wear her gown there.

amother

Seablue

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:20 am

Re after the chuppah- depending on where the wedding is, in some halls, everything is one big room with divisions- the chuppah set-up will be in the middle, the chassan's tisch on one side, the kabbalas panim with the kallah on the other. Eventually the whole room will be for the meal. So literally as soon as the chuppah is over, the hall staff will start moving chairs and moving tables. The first time I saw this I was very confused, but it is normal. As the mother, you stay near the chuppah talking to people as they come to wish you mazal tov, and soon enough, you are in the meal room, likely on the dance floor, because it has changed around you.

amother

Clematis

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:20 am

amother Lily wrote:

This is usually taken care of by the chosson.

What is nice to do is make sure they have breakfast. Whether going to hotel or apartment.

amother

Purple

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:23 am

Also OP, is the wedding at a frum hall or one verrrrry familar w frum weddings?

If not, especially if its in your hometown, you need a lot more planning info.

In a frum hall you ahow up and they tell you what to do and where to go.
My mother made her first couple weddings in a (very nice) hotel in our oot city, but she had to be on top of every little detail.

Eta. Reread your post that chasuna is in lkws hall. The hall is on top of it!

flowerpower

Fri, Jan 05 2024, 9:25 am

Most halls have a manager guiding you a whole time. Even someone that is ffb doesn’t know all the “rules”. Most important thing is thanking your guest for coming and making sure they all feel good for attending your simcha.