Do I have to let her take them shopping?

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:04 pm

MIL doesn’t like the way I or my kids dress. So she often offers to take me and kids shopping. Which is coming from a good place, but do I have to accept? One one hand I feel like it’s really rude not to accept gifts, on the other I feel like it’s kind of manipulative. Because now I have to get what she likes, since she’s paying.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:06 pm

No. You can say they go shopping with their mother. It’s reasonable for parents to dress their kids the way they choose until a certain age.

amother

Sunflower

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:07 pm

Would it help you in any way for her to take them shopping? Like are you tight budget wise and having her pay would be a burden off your shoulders? Or even just don't have the patience to shop for them and feel it's a chore? If either of those I'd say let her take them. If you don't need it financially and you don't care to shop for them I'd say don't unless you don't mind making her feel good even if it's nk help to you

amother

DarkKhaki

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:09 pm

You could definitely say no. Unless you feel it would actually be helpful. If I knew the person offering had good style and wanted to pay, I'd personally take it!

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:09 pm

I personally would say no. It’s my job to dress my kids (and myself!) and I wouldn’t appreciate someone hinting they don’t like how I do it

amother

Ballota

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:11 pm

You can dress your kids however you'd like, so long as they're clean and warm enough. Don't let her tale them if it's going to make you feel worse.

However if you appreciate them getting new clothes on someone else's $$, by all means... But you shouldn't feel forced into it

amother

Ultramarine

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:12 pm

I love it when my MIL takes my kids shopping. It's one less thing I need to do and she pays for it! My MIL is respectful of my boundaries though, so that makes a big difference. She sends me pictures and makes sure that I'm ok with the clothing before buying it.

My kids can be either picky or hard to fit or both, so it can be very frustrating to shop with them and it often goes better with their grandmother because they behave differently than they do with a parent.

OP, would it hurt to give it a try? Even if they come home with clothing you may not have picked out for them it doesn't mean that it will be completely inappropriate unless your MIL completely flouts community norms.

imaima

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s manipulative of her to offer.
If you feel you need her help, accept it.
Otherwise decline

amother

Hyssop

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:43 pm

How old are the kids? If they're not little & want to go shopping with their grandma, I'd happily take this opportunity.
Do your kids like how they're dressed? Are they happy to go with your MIL?
Did she tell you that she doesn't like how you dress your kids?
I have fond memories of my grandmother taking us shopping & treating us to lunch afterwards.
(I'm not assuming that this is your case, but we sometimes don't realize that the way we dress are kids, may look ragged & unkempt to others. We're just used to it.)

amother

Hunter

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:50 pm

I'd be happy about it.

There is more than one acceptable style of clothing, so as long as it's tznius and fits and doesn't require dry cleaning, it's a lovely bonding experience with Bubby and one thing less I need to budget for.

If something was very much against my principles (movie characters, jeans) I'd return them.

If I had a particular style I wanted them to wear, I'd buy it for them in addition. But I'm also okay with kids choosing their own style or wearing hand-me-downs.

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:55 pm

My grandmother A"H, used to buy me the most beautiful clothes. She always paid which was a huge help. She had great taste. My mother definitely appreciated it and she need the help. When I was older she'd sometimes take me out to eat after. Special times.
I say as long as the clothes meet your standards of Tznius go for it. I'd say it's worth the compromise of your taste for the:
break you'll have
financial assistance
kids spending time with grandma
you're relationship with your mil
Just tell her you like the clothes! And you might just start to like what she buys one day...

happy7

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:56 pm

Don’t say no to something that your kids might actually like.
If they don’t like it, say no.
But if you are OK with the choices AND they like it, then change your perspective.

I have had a lot of struggle with my MIL over the years. (And she is actually really amazing but not my style) There have been many things she had wanted to do for me and them that I didn’t want, but I learned that unless it was against my values, I allow her to be helpful in her way and her style

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 3:56 pm

My mother does this sometimes. Not so much she doesn't like my style but she prefers when we are wearing well cut expensive clothes and she can afford it more than I can. She often offers to take me or the kids shopping.
My older kids though are becoming more difficult to shop for and she doesn't have that much energy and patience lol so sometimes she gives me money and tells me to take them to a nice store.
I think it's nice if you can separate your feelings from it. Has she implied outright she doesn't like your style? Do you like her style at all or maybe you really hate it? I know if my mil would take my kids shopping omg Surprised

but I don't think I'd find it manipulative

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 4:11 pm

You don't HAVE TO let her. Definitely not.
Consider the pros and cons and decide that you want to do, accepting that your choice will have cons.

lamplighter

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 4:15 pm

Does she take other grandchildren shopping or just yours?
Has she offered in connection to comments on their clothing?

I think if you can frame it as a bubby treating her grandchildren, you may benefit from this.

If the clothes would be offensive to you and/or you would be too pained by them, you can just say no thank you.

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 4:32 pm

For myself, no way! For my kids as long as the kids enjoy it & are happy with the clothes then why not? Especially for kids old enough to have opinions on their clothes I'd be thrilled to have someone else do it for me while they get special attention from bubbie. It all depends on the dynamics.

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:07 pm

We have vastly different tastes. Example: MIL likes very very tight on babies as is the style. I don’t like when you can literally see their diapers and they look so uncomfortable. I would not be happy with what she gets. My kids are very young so they don’t really have an opinion. If they were older and enjoyed it I definitely would let them.

It actually is hard for me to shop, and MIL knows that so she offers to be “nice” but also to get her way. Like “Were you planning on Esti wearing this to the bar mitzvah? Yeah? Well I saw this goooorgeous outfit the other day, why don’t I take Esti to go try it on and you can rest, dear?”
Then I feel stuck and ungrateful because she’s doing me a favor by getting her a new outfit…but I also don’t want a new outfit.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:12 pm

Seems like she's trying to push something through it. And you don't like it.
You can respond with "thank you for offering! If actually rather take her shopping myself"