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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Currant
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 Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:20 pm
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Tell her to send a gift card or cash. You’d be happy to get some new things.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 6:06 pm
| amother OP wrote: | We have vastly different tastes. Example: MIL likes very very tight on babies as is the style. I don’t like when you can literally see their diapers and they look so uncomfortable. I would not be happy with what she gets. My kids are very young so they don’t really have an opinion. If they were older and enjoyed it I definitely would let them.
It actually is hard for me to shop, and MIL knows that so she offers to be “nice” but also to get her way. Like “Were you planning on Esti wearing this to the bar mitzvah? Yeah? Well I saw this goooorgeous outfit the other day, why don’t I take Esti to go try it on and you can rest, dear?”
Then I feel stuck and ungrateful because she’s doing me a favor by getting her a new outfit…but I also don’t want a new outfit. |
If she wants to get Esti something specific for a simcha of hers I would probably allow it and have her wear it to the bar mitzvah and then you can donate it after. What about going shopping together so you find something you both agree on?
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amother
Wandflower
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 6:07 pm
| amother OP wrote: | We have vastly different tastes. Example: MIL likes very very tight on babies as is the style. I don’t like when you can literally see their diapers and they look so uncomfortable. I would not be happy with what she gets. My kids are very young so they don’t really have an opinion. If they were older and enjoyed it I definitely would let them.
It actually is hard for me to shop, and MIL knows that so she offers to be “nice” but also to get her way. Like “Were you planning on Esti wearing this to the bar mitzvah? Yeah? Well I saw this goooorgeous outfit the other day, why don’t I take Esti to go try it on and you can rest, dear?”
Then I feel stuck and ungrateful because she’s doing me a favor by getting her a new outfit…but I also don’t want a new outfit. |
Why don't you want a new outfit? Because it's not your taste?
If that's the case your going to need to set firm boundaries. Thank you MIL but we're set for the bar mitzvah. Thanks for the offer but I like to choose my children's clothes.
Now if she goes ahead and gifts you clothing, I think that's a different story.
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rkay
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 6:11 pm
| amother OP wrote: | We have vastly different tastes. Example: MIL likes very very tight on babies as is the style. I don’t like when you can literally see their diapers and they look so uncomfortable. I would not be happy with what she gets. My kids are very young so they don’t really have an opinion. If they were older and enjoyed it I definitely would let them.
It actually is hard for me to shop, and MIL knows that so she offers to be “nice” but also to get her way. Like “Were you planning on Esti wearing this to the bar mitzvah? Yeah? Well I saw this goooorgeous outfit the other day, why don’t I take Esti to go try it on and you can rest, dear?”
Then I feel stuck and ungrateful because she’s doing me a favor by getting her a new outfit…but I also don’t want a new outfit. |
Seems like it is important to her that her grandchildren look a certain way to her simcha. If it is important to her and she is paying, why does it bother you that your kids wear something you don't like so much to the bar mitzvah? You can buy something you like for other times...
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amother
Yolk
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:46 pm
| rkay wrote: | | Seems like it is important to her that her grandchildren look a certain way to her simcha. If it is important to her and she is paying, why does it bother you that your kids wear something you don't like so much to the bar mitzvah? You can buy something you like for other times... |
Seems manipulative to gift your way into it...
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:48 pm
| rkay wrote: | | Seems like it is important to her that her grandchildren look a certain way to her simcha. If it is important to her and she is paying, why does it bother you that your kids wear something you don't like so much to the bar mitzvah? You can buy something you like for other times... |
Because they’re my kids and I don’t like when their diaper shows, or when they wear shorts in the winter…it really bothers me.
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rkay
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:49 pm
| amother Yolk wrote: | | Seems manipulative to gift your way into it... |
It is:), but still, she is paying for it- she is even literally going to the store to buy it, so what's the big deal to just put it on and make her happy?
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lamplighter
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:54 pm
I would do it to make her happy for a simcha not for my kids regular wardrobes.
Sounds like she has very fashionable taste. Imagine if it was the opposite problem.
I think it would please her very much, I don't think I would be davka about this, it's an easy way to make her happy.
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amother
Hyssop
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:54 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Because they’re my kids and I don’t like when their diaper shows, or when they wear shorts in the winter…it really bothers me. |
When she gifts you baby clothes, you can go exchange it for a bigger size. Or when she asks you for sizes, tell her a bigger size then the baby is.
I don't always like the clothes my mom or MIL gifts my kids. But I do make sure to show appreciation & have my kids wear the clothes when they're around.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:57 pm
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Also MIL does this often, in a bunch of different areas. I don’t think she fully realizes…she starts off mentioning “have you ever thought about doing/getting x?” I don’t like arguing so I’ll usually say something vague like “not really, I like what I have”, then she offers me to borrow hers, sends me links, and if all else fails she’ll buy it for me…
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:58 pm
| amother Hyssop wrote: | When she gifts you baby clothes, you can go exchange it for a bigger size. Or when she asks you for sizes, tell her a bigger size then the baby is.
I don't always like the clothes my mom or MIL gifts my kids. But I do make sure to show appreciation & have my kids wear the clothes when they're around. |
If she gives me clothes directly I always dress my kids in it. Because how could I not? But here when she’s offering to take them I can do something about it before.
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tigerwife
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 8:00 pm
Maybe she misses shopping for little ones?
I don’t see why it would be bad to let her do this grandmotherly activity. Let her buy clothes she likes, and your kids will wear those clothes when they visit Bubby.
I know you’re taking this as an insult to your taste in fashion but maybe that’s not entirely the case.
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NJ
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 8:56 pm
You can look at it in a positive light. Even if she is trying to push her style.at least she's doing it in a nice way and
basically offering you gifts just on her terms. I don't think there is anything sinister here.
I think it's an innocent offer.
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amother
Teal
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 11:56 pm
You are being difficult. Fashion is imortant to her, do it when she is around you, by her simchos etc .
It does not make a happier person or an emotionally healthier person to have your attitude. Let go a little.
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Einikel
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Sun, Jan 07 2024, 11:59 pm
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I love when my mil shops for me. She has great taste and best of all she pays for it 😊
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Crookshanks
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:00 am
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I don't think you should let her take them shopping unless you can exchange what she buys for a larger size. You don't need to have uncomfortable clothes for your babies.
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amother
DarkOrange
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:10 am
OP I’m Surprised at all
The responses that don’t seem to get it. I even just ran it by my husband to check myself. We don’t have this conflict (my mom is extremely generous but no strings attached way, she doesn’t usurp my authority and has appropriate boundaries) and unfortunately my MIL is deceased. But both he and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all. My children are not your playthings and not yours to dress up. If you want to gift is clothes make sure it’s exchangeable or give us money to do so. But to me this arrangement is manipulative. I’d sooner buy clothes (and we do) with our own money than accept a ‘gift’ that seems so controlling to me
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DrMom
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:14 am
I disagree with the majority of those who responded.
I think there's a difference between:
"There's a simcha coming up and I'd love to buy the kids new outfits to wear. Let it be my treat!"
vs.
"I dislike your taste in clothing. I want you and your kids to dress according to my style, and I'll even pay for your clothes if that's the only way to get you to dress the way I want at family smachot."
One is being generous, the other is being controlling. And doing this for one's grandkids is maybe okay, but insisting on buying one's DIL's clothing in order to make her dress a specific way is really control-freaky.
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amother
DarkOrange
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:17 am
| DrMom wrote: | I disagree with the majority of those who responded.
I think there's a difference between:
"There's a simcha coming up and I'd love to buy the kids new outfits to wear. Let it be my treat!"
vs.
"I dislike your taste in clothing. I want you and your kids to dress according to my style, and I'll even pay for your clothes if that's the only way to get you to dress the way I want at family smachot."
One is being generous, the other is being controlling. And doing this for one's grandkids is maybe okay, but insisting on buying one's DIL's clothing in order to make her dress a specific way is really control-freaky. |
Literally what I just told my husband. IMO OP should follow her gut, hold the boundary buy her children their own clothing
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DrMom
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:19 am
| amother DarkOrange wrote: | | Literally what I just told my husband. IMO OP should follow her gut, hold the boundary buy her children their own clothing |
Yes, I see we cross-posted 
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