What can I do for an anxious eleven year old?

amother

Mon, Jan 22 2024, 4:14 am

Her anxiety manifests as always wanting something different than what she has, jealousy and fighting with siblings, not wanting to go to school.... It looks like something doesn't feel right inside her, and she "puts it" on all these other issues.

We made aliya five years ago when she was six years old--she talks constantly about her best friend in America, how she doesn't have such good friends here and she wants to go back and America is better and how come we're not taking her... So on the one hand, maybe that was a big trauma for her. But what do I do about it? And at the same time--empathy and understanding doesn't seem to help any. She seems "stuck" with this feeling of victimhood. (And being matter-of-fact and not especially empathetic doesn't seem to help either...)

She's a little bit overweight (though I'm not sure if she realizes it), has an uncomfortable looking posture, and sometimes overeats--I'm not sure which of those things are cause and which are effect, but it seems like part of the bigger picture here. Sometimes I think there's something "physically" off with her and if I could figure out what it was and address it, she would feel better. Like if she felt physically strong in her core, maybe she would feel more emotionally strong. I still don't know what to do about it...

She's had a few therapists over the years. One she loved but we didn't see any improvement. It looked like a lot of empathy and praise (and making art which she loves) but nothing else. Recently we brought her to a pretty firm CBT type therapist and she seemed to be improving a lot, until she suddenly refused to go--it sounds like the therapist said something that she interpreted as that she MUST do something that is out of her comfort zone (maybe it was talk loud on class). and now she "doesn't like" her.

Any advice?

amother

Calendula

Mon, Jan 22 2024, 8:57 am

amother OP wrote:

We made aliya five years ago when she was six years old--she talks constantly about her best friend in America, how she doesn't have such good friends here and she wants to go back and America is better and how come we're not taking her... So on the one hand, maybe that was a big trauma for her. But what do I do about it? And at the same time--empathy and understanding doesn't seem to help any. She seems "stuck" with this feeling of victimhood. (And being matter-of-fact and not especially empathetic doesn't seem to help either...)

Maybe she does have trauma... How was she before during and after the move? Did you prep her for the move and for what it would practically mean and what would change in her day to day life? Did she have ways to connect with her old friends as she was settling in or was she just torn apart from everything she knew and now dealing with figuring it all out while being the new kid?
What were discussions after the move like? So you have open communication? Did you give her the feeling she can come to you with anything and you understand her difficulties? Did she want to talk about it? Was she shocked by culture? Language? How was it for her on the social scene? Did she make friends at all?

Have you discussed this with a trauma therapist?

amother

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:41 am

Thanks everyone. To answer some questions:

1) Yes it's jealousy, but the reason I say it's anxiety is because jealousy is just one manifestation of whatever seems to be going on with her--and she often tells me "I'm not feeling well emotionally" and things like that. As well as other clear anxiety manifestations (such as selective mutism in school--much improved but still present).

2) She has friends in school and also friends in the neighborhood. She is still "fixated" on her best friend from America. Every few weeks she calls her on the phone (phone calls almost never come the other way) and has pictures of her on her wall and talks about her all the time...

I'll reply to more things separately.

amother

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:51 am

amother Calendula wrote:

Before the move she did not seem worried at all, and in the immediate aftermath she also seemed fine. Was she ripped away from everything she knew? Well, yeah kind of. Other than we her family, it was all new people. That's what happens when you move countries. I'm not sure how we could have prepared her better. She understood what was happening (on her six-year-old level) and was proud and excited to make the move. (She had phone calls and letters from her former classmates--we actually gave the pre-addressed and stamped postcards before we left to make it easier for them to send them--but I don't think that meant a lot to her.)

We have very open communication. One thing that was unexpected and that I think was very hard for her, and that I regret, was that the school we initially sent to was was a very disorganized place and was not at all prepared for her. Olim chadashim are supposed to get a year of special tutoring and they did not have it together. She was just dumped in a classroom with a sweet but inexperienced teacher. Midway through the year they started doing some halfhearted tutoring but she could have used a much gentler entry. The next year we switched schools, but some damage was probably already done. Oh right and corona struck that first year and effected life into the second... So these factors probably played a part too.

In general we may have had a "harder" Aliyah than some because we don't have close friends or family here--not really in this country and definitely not in the city we moved to. That's life... we just don't have it. So it wouldn't have been like maybe some kids experience moving to Israel and they are reunited with cousins and grandparents.

We did make Aliyah together with my mother-in-law and that was great, but we didn't land into any sort of ready-made support system.

She was not shocked by the culture, I don't think (though that first school was chaotic and dirty... and we got her out of there as soon as we could). The language was a big deal for her. She learned to understand but was afraid to speak for a long time. She still managed to make friends. She's very social and even when she was afraid to speak, she still managed to make some friends. She never stopped comparing them to her old friends though.

She's seen a few therapists. Do you mean to find one who specializes specifically in trauma?

myname1

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 5:03 am

I don't know anything about teeth crowding and all that, but you said your dd made friends even without speaking. Are there other English speakers in your area? Other kids she could speak to in English? As a social kid, I would imagine it must feel lonely and stifling to not be able to really speak to a friend on a deep level. If she became "friends" with only Hebrew speakers and couldn't really speak to them, I can't imagine those were very deep friendships and I wouldn't blame her for really missing her friend that she could really speak to. I would think that would be extremely traumatic.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 5:56 am

Is she eating high quality beef? Steak?

At other times of day, make sure she eats live-culture, high fat, good fresh yogurt, for gut health.

Her compassion needs to be aroused. Maybe taking care of animals on a farm. Maternal instinct. Even a fish tank at home, with her doing the feeding.

Could there be a stronger, cleverer, prettier sibling here?

Some kind of skill mastery might help. Craft. Such as fiber. Perhaps sewing as a hobby. Get her a small simple sewing machine and see what happens. Keep the pamphlets that come with it.

Some physical sport might be useful. But with no pressure. Or dance class. Folk dance. Swaying skirts, feminine comradery.

Make sure she has nice hair and nice hair barrettes. If it's normal in your community, small pierced earrings.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 6:29 am

amother OP wrote:

How would I go about doing this exactly?

She definitely does have some tooth crowding--it's visible (dentist said will probably need braces in a year or two).

How would I go about looking into these things?

For the mouth you would see a myofunctional therapist and/or airway informed orthodontist.

Gut health would mean clean, antinflammatory diet, probiotics and ferments, address yeast and parasites.

Chronic infections- have you looked into pandas or Lyme at all?

Would you run an ibuprophen trial to see if brain inflammation is involved?

If you are on Instagram, holistic mother has great info on all of the above.

amother

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 3:30 pm

myname1 wrote:

She was only in first grade then. She has since started speaking Hebrew and she's made Hebrew speaking friends. She seems to be speaking comfortably with them.

amother

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 3:36 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

She takes care of her younger sister a lot (for fun--she volunteers) and is really good at it. She does crafts with her, bakes with her, takes her out, etc. All her own initiative. She's terrified of animals but likes little humans!

She also does tons of art herself at home and has a once-a-week art chug that she loves. She even sometimes sews too (with her grandmother). So she has plenty of chances to develop some mastery in these areas and enjoys it and gets a sense of identity from it too--she knows she has artistic talent.

I'm hopefully starting her with some swimming lessons next week. I'm hoping it will be successful.

She wanted her hair cut short so that's what she has. And she already has earrings.

I need to think how I could incorporate those diet ideas. She is a pretty good eater, open to trying new foods, but we don't usually have red meat other than meat sauce (made with chopped meat) once a week. And I'm not sure what there is here as far as good yogurt or if she'd eat it.

amother

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 3:43 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

Thank you--I will look into these things.

Her diet is sometimes awful in ways that I can't fix without being sure of what it is I need to do and whether it would for sure help. Otherwise it's just a really big deal to tell her she can't eat what all the other kids are eating and what she likes. She likes healthy food but she loves cookies, pasta, pizza etc. too. I usually don't make a big deal about any of it because I don't want these foods to develop the allure of forbidden foods for her. I wish there was a way to know for sure that any one particular item was causing harm.

myname1

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 3:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

She was only in first grade then. She has since started speaking Hebrew and she's made Hebrew speaking friends. She seems to be speaking comfortably with them.

But at the same time she keeps comparing her new friends to her friend in the US (from when she was 6!) and wants to move back there and doesn't want to go to school... did you ever speak with her about these things? It seems like she doesn't feel like she fits in with her friends. I don't know if that's because of personality or language or culture or something else. If I were you I would speak to her about it. When she says her friend in the US was better, what is she referring to? Comfort speaking to her? Fun playing with her?

It could also be that she misses the simplicity of friendships when you're 6. I'm sure she and her friends have more drama now, just because they're pre-teens. It might help her to realize that pre-teens often have drama and awkwardness even in the US. Find out what is making her miss her old life, discuss with her which changes are because of moving and which are because of growing up.