What can I do for an anxious eleven year old?

amother

Fri, Jan 26 2024, 1:37 am

myname1 wrote:

But at the same time she keeps comparing her new friends to her friend in the US (from when she was 6!) and wants to move back there and doesn't want to go to school... did you ever speak with her about these things? It seems like she doesn't feel like she fits in with her friends. I don't know if that's because of personality or language or culture or something else. If I were you I would speak to her about it. When she says her friend in the US was better, what is she referring to? Comfort speaking to her? Fun playing with her?

It could also be that she misses the simplicity of friendships when you're 6. I'm sure she and her friends have more drama now, just because they're pre-teens. It might help her to realize that pre-teens often have drama and awkwardness even in the US. Find out what is making her miss her old life, discuss with her which changes are because of moving and which are because of growing up.

Yes, we talk about this all the time. Usually she just says America is better, her friend in America is better (by which I think at various times have heard her say to mean more loyal, more fun). Though I guess I never asked her some of these exact questions, at least not recently. Thanks, I will.

Her friend in America WAS fun. She had a lively kind of zany personality. And maybe here my daughter is too shy to befriend those types of girls? I don't know. A few times she brought home girls that seemed as active/fun as her friend in America, and it looked to ME like they were having fun. (So those were the times that my daughter said her friend in America was more loyal.)

And truthfully she had lots of drama with that friend too, she just doesn't remember it.

It could be what she's missing is the simplicity of a whole life that felt to her like it fit more together--like I was also friends (kind of) with her friend's mother. It felt more like an all-embracing reality. Here I have not really befriended any mothers, between the language barrier on my part and the fact that we don't live near them (the school is not in our neighborhood) and honestly I think most of the mothers in my kids' school are more busy and already have full social lives--they don't need me. In general as a family we're still figuring things out, we're immigrants. So maybe that's what she's feeling. And in an ideal world I'd be able to fix that, but I can't. This is the reality.

myname1

Fri, Jan 26 2024, 2:57 am

amother OP wrote:

Sounds tough Sad

I kind of wish you could move to where the other families live or move to a more English speaking community, but I'm assuming you've considered both those options and there's some reason you need to stay put where you are for now. But it really does sound lonely for both you and your dd. It could be she does get left out of plans because of where you live and that could what she means by unloyal. Good luck, hope you manage to smooth everything out for all of you!

amother

Sat, Jan 27 2024, 2:20 pm

Thanks! Yes we have definitely thought all of our options through but there's no way we could live near the school or surrounded by more English speakers.

On a practical level I don't think she's being left out of plans because of our location--actually, some of the classmates she brings home also live in different towns or neighborhoods far from the school--but it's still not a feeling of a community that centers around the school the way we had in the US.