If you don't like saying how many children you have

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:50 am

hotpretzel wrote:

I feel like people don't just ask as the first question when they meet someone

But if you know someone for a little while like a new-ish neighbor or coworker and they are talking about their children I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "oh they sound so cute, how many do you have?"

Exactly this. Once someone mentions their child/ren it’s the perfect opportunity to ask about ages ect. I would never ask before they mention children but once they do, the door is open and it’s an extremely normal socially-on thing to ask.

Last edited by SuperWify on Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:55 am; edited 1 time in total

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:55 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

Thats honestly the nicest and most common way to respond.

A "comeback" implies youre trying to one up the questioner and make them feel stupid because you dont like the question. Glad to hear thats not the case.

Me- so, tell me about your family. How many kids do you have?

She- I’d rather not say

Ouch. That would hurt. And I’d stop the conversation right there and not try to talk to her again.

I really like all people and get along with mostly everyone, but I HATE overly secret people. Like those, who make it a huge secret about being pregnant when their nine months and it’s not really a secret, who will never tell you which vacation they went on even though they wanted you to watch their (unknown) number of children or what they made for supper and who they went or for shabbos.

Seriously, as if I care.

I just make conversation with people and ask them innocuous questions about their lives to make them feel good. You don’t want to answer, then how long can we talk about the weather for? Yes, it’s still cold and gross and yes, there are a few good months till spring.

amother

Bottlebrush

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:01 pm

I'm sorry, whatever happened to respecting people's feelings? It makes OP, and other people, uncomfortable. They have a right to answer in a way that makes them comfortable and makes the questioner comfortable.

OP is clearly looking for answers that will not make the questioner feel awkward.

I wouldn't go with "I'd rather not say." The best I can think of is, "quite a few." Or "a bunch." I would also probably add some tidbit to continue the conversation on a different course. "Quite a few. My oldest is having a bar mitzvah next year, we're starting to get ready."

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:04 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

We can respect it but as far as the feelings of the questioner- they will always feel like they said something wrong and always feel snubbed. Or at least - what’s wrong with OP?

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:08 pm

if someone lost a child I understand how the question is painful. what I dont understand is the secrecy.

I once accompanied a sil to an appt with her newborn and I was watching the newborn while she went in. the receptionist asked me if its my baby or hers, we were making small talk which I was happy to do, and then she asked how many kids does she have, so I answered with the correct number.

later I told my sil about the conversation, and she was actually upset that I had told the receptionist the number of kids she had.

this I dont get. she wasnt there, it wasnt painful, yet its a secret.
please explain it to me.

amother

Bottlebrush

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:09 pm

SuperWify wrote:

We can respect it but as far as the feelings of the questioner- they will always feel like they said something wrong and always feel snubbed. Or at least - what’s wrong with OP?

But that's what OP is asking. How can I answer the question in a way that won't make them feel snubbed? Do you believe that's impossible?

I believe that they are tactful ways to answer and redirect the conversation in a way that everyone feels okay.

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:14 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

And it’s still strange.

She- (mentions something about her kids)

Me- oh, so sweet. How many kids do you have?

She- I have a bunch, they are so cute.

Me- Nice. So how many?

She- A bunch bh.

Me- Ok…. (Bye)

Personally, I’d feel snubbed. It’s really strange not to be able to answer such a simple question.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:17 pm

I know a few people like this irl and it's very weird. It gives the impression that they are uncomfortable with the amount of children they have.
It doesn't give a vibe of oh I'm so blessed I don't want to create an ayin hara, even though that might be what they're thinking.

I'm just letting you know, op, so you know how it might come across to others.

I have an aunt that has many kids. Either 17 or 19. I never got the number down pat because I don't know all their names. She's from the ones that "we don't count". By extension, my mother (it's her sister), won't count for her either lol. Whenever there's a conversation and I'll casually ask oh how many kids does aunt so and so have? She'll always say I don't know I never counted... It's weird.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:18 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

No she asked for a “comeback”. Like the questioner did something wrong.
(Eta I see she edited her op, probably because she realized how ridiculous it was.)

Seriously, there aren’t that many topics to talk to with a new acquaintance. It takes a little vulnerability from both sides to ask and answer nicely. Don’t be so prissy all the time. Most people don’t have evil intentions when they ask how many kids you have. Honestly I doubt they even absorb the information.

Unless it’s an undesirable stranger whom you do not prefer to exchange pleasantries with, then be as snappy as you prefer.

amother

Catmint

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:20 pm

The only reason I don’t like answering that question is because I have very few children and feel bad about it. As if I’ve been a failure…
My friend who lost a child tells me that she also has a hard time with that question.
I really do think everyone else who is proud of their family size should answer. Otherwise people feel very uncomfortable.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:21 pm

SuperWify wrote:

This.

It would also make me think that I’d said something wrong. Like maybe she’s not the mom or some other deep dark secret. It would make me uncomfortable and I’d rush to get out of that encounter as soon as possible.

In best case scenario, I’d assume she’s some kind of superstitious weirdo and move along with my day.

amother

Bottlebrush

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:21 pm

SuperWify wrote:

You both could do better. First, she should add something to continue the conversation. They're so cute doesn't count. She can talk about how old they are or where they go to school or what they're doing for a vacation. Anything that will lead to a nice conversation. Frankly, a number isn't going to cause any positive conversation. Information about the family can.

As far as you, never ask twice! Any question. If someone dodges your question, that means they're not comfortable answering it. Asking twice will only lead to uncomfortable feelings.

If you go on any most hurtful comment thread on this site, you will see a trend of people asking the same question two or three or four times. If someone dodges your question, the socially on thing is to drop it and move on. Even innocuous questions like what you do for a living, where does your husband work, where do you live, what are you doing for pesach? If someone dodges it? That means it's not a good question for them. Smile and move on.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:21 pm

SuperWify wrote:

I agree. It's creating a secret out of something that is pretty public and just makes you feel stupid for asking.

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:32 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

If you don’t answer then someone else will say how many kids are have. It’s not a very private question. People know. You are just making someone feel stupid that they were being friendly and asked.

Exactly.

Good summary.

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:37 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

Work on your confidence. Your family is a pride and credit to you no matter how big or small it is. You have nothing to ashamed of. You’re certainly NOT a fail. I also have a very small family. There’s no shame.

For someone that lost a child I can imagine this question is very painful 💔

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:38 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

No worries. I will NEVER ask again. I will never even talk to her again for fear of getting hurt again and having this icky uncomfortable situation for everyone.

amother

Catmint

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:41 pm

SuperWify wrote:

It’s not a matter of not being confident. It’s a situation that genuinely causes me pain when reminded . Not a day goes by where I don’t think about it. It’s just a painful situation that I never expected to have to deal with.

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:41 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

Growing up we knew a large family terrified of ayin hara. So they wouldn’t say the number but we all knew it was a LOT. We’d spend hours trying to name and count them all.

Talk about avoiding ayin hara… we couldn’t stop talking about them.

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:43 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

I’m sorry

That’s really painful.