Normal not to invite for a meal?

amother

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:25 pm

My husband and I recently relocated NY from OOT. We have a baby and moved into a smaller NY suburb. Everyone’s been very friendly and kind when we see them at shul. Added us to group chats, make nice small talk. We’ve been here for almost 6 months and have gotten 3 shabbos invitations.
Am I being sensitive? I’m from an OOT community where a new family will be overloaded with invites, everyone wants to welcome them. Is this normal in NY circles not to invite a new family for a shabbos meal?

amother

Latte

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:29 pm

3 invites is pretty impressive actually. In NY its more like you have space for privacy and to do your own thing.

amother

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:36 pm

So interesting. I guess I’m the weird out of towner 😂

Can I ask how people meet each other then? How would you suggest meeting friends? we moved for my husbands job- have no friends or family in the area.

amother

Mimosa

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:45 pm

Why don't you invite people to your house? That's a nice way to get to know people without waiting for an invite.

amother

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:47 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

Why don't you invite people to your house? That's a nice way to get to know people without waiting for an invite.

Definitely an option and we’ve invited another couple or two a few times.
We’re in a basement apartment with limited space so can’t invite any larger families just don’t have room to host them.

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:47 pm

We’ve lived in our current neighborhood about 2 years. Never invited anyone and never been invited and I. Think that’s the norm

amother

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:49 pm

Wow. These responses are mind blowing for me.
I guess it’s good to know people don’t hate us 😂 just a cultural thing I guess.
Thanks all for the explanations.

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:50 pm

Yes, NY life can be lonely. Especially if you're not from here. This is a big push for people to move OOT.

amother

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:56 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

Yes, NY life can be lonely. Especially if you're not from here. This is a big push for people to move OOT.

I honestly just don’t understand.
How do people make friends? I guess once my child is school age I’ll meet at school events?

amother

Seablue

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I honestly just don’t understand.
How do people make friends? I guess once my child is school age I’ll meet at school events?

Yes, I do make friends that way

Or on playdates when child is 3-4 years old

amother

Pear

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 8:59 pm

amother Latte wrote:

3 invites is pretty impressive actually. In NY its more like you have space for privacy and to do your own thing.

😂 I was about to ask how she snagged so many invites. When I moved to NY, only my parents invited us

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I honestly just don’t understand.
How do people make friends? I guess once my child is school age I’ll meet at school events?

I think largely through their kids friends or through work if they work.

Thinking of my friends group basically everyone is from those ways.

We have four kids ka”h and my husband works a lot during the week. We’d rather Shabbos be family time. And it’s hard juggling one families toddlers schedule around another’s newborn schedule etc.

Many people go Shmooze with neighbors Shabbos afternoon , etc , with their kids

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

I honestly just don’t understand.
How do people make friends? I guess once my child is school age I’ll meet at school events?

Co-workers.
If I didn't work with frum people, I would probably have no friends at all in this stage of life.

But also, probably depends where in NY you live. Big community/ Brooklyn? Also easier obviously if you're more extroverted and strike up conversations in Shul/ the park...

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:02 pm

Welcome to New York!!!

DH and I moved to a more OOT community in NY and then started getting invites. If you are in the standard communities, don't expect much.

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:04 pm

Also, if you live in a building/ block where your kids play together Shabbos afternoon... Can you go over to a neighbor with a toddler let's say?

amother

Wine

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:07 pm

Been living in NY for decades. Was never invited by friends. I hosted DH’s single friends once or twice. That’s about it.
I go out with my lady friends once a while during the week for lunch. DH does the same with his friends once a while at night. Shabbos is for family. If someone would ask to be invited I’d try to be kind about it and invite them, but it’s not the usual.
I think if you want it you need to invite to you first.

amother

Mayflower

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:11 pm

If you're able, join some committees at shul. Get to know the person on the "welcome committee" if there is one and hopefully they will draw you in. Hanging out at Kiddush and talking to the Rabbi and Rebbetzin may help. Ours always introduces people and I have received calls asking me to invite people. Yes, school will help you to make friends, but don't wait until then. Maybe you can join a young couples committee or suggest an activity like game night and snacks at someone's house. NY can be tough. I'm a lifelong New Yorker, but have also spent time in some OOT communities. NY people do not have a rep for being super friendly, but there are always exceptions. Good luck and hopefully you'll connect soon.

amother

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 9:17 pm

Guess that’s the problem.
Husband doesn’t work with Jews.
Baby’s not in school.
I’m home with the baby.