S/O talking to kids (clarified question pg 2)

amother

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 4:55 pm

Some of the responses on that thread confuse me. It seems like most responses agreed that you shouldn't tell young kids specifics about how/where the baby comes out, I'm just not understanding what's inappropriate about that. I get that you don't have to use the specific terms with young kids if you don't want them saying them at inappropriate times, but what's "mature" about knowing there's a "birth canal" and where the hole is located? Not necessarily to volunteer that, but if they ask, even posters saying to be honest said to be vague about that part, so I'd just like to understand the reasoning.

amother

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:10 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

My kids know everything. From the youngest age.

I'm very modern but for some reason my mom thought it would be cute to tell me that babies just "pop out of their mommys' bellies" and I remember being frustrated because I didn't understand that. I think she told me the truth when I was around 8.

Everything including puberty and relations? That I get waiting or being vague for, it's specifically the where the baby comes out that I don't get.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Everything including puberty and relations? That I get waiting or being vague for, it's specifically the where the baby comes out that I don't get.

To me it makes a lot more sense to tell a small child "a woman's v@g1na is a small hole that goes up to where the baby is, and when the baby is ready to come out, it miraculously stretches enough that the baby can come out of that hole."

I haven't had any CS. If I had, I would also say something like "sometimes it is safer for a doctor to cut the baby out of the mommy's tummy, but it doesn't hurt."

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:37 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

But it does hurt. A lot. And the child will see the mother in pain for a good long while.

amother

Clover

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 5:42 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

Amother glitter from the other thread. I understand sometimes being vague, but I don't think anything positive comes out of lying. And lying is anything which is not true.

I never lie to my kids. That being said, I do tell "white lies" - they aren't actually lies but not the whole truth either.
"The baby is inside mommy and the doctor knows how to take it out." - Even if you don't have a c, that's not a lie. Your doctor still knows how to perform a C, even if you don't get one.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:06 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

You're right that it hurts after, and that deserves to be mentioned. I wouldn't want the kid thinking the Doctor is cutting the mom's belly open without anesthesia though.

"The doctor gives the mommy special medicine so it doesn't hurt so much and then takes the baby out. After, Hashem makes the Mommy's tummy get all fixed."

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:07 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Telling your kids white lies is lying to your kids. Telling yourself that telling your kids white lies doesn't count as lying is being dishonest to yourself.

amother

Hawthorn

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:11 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

Telling your kids white lies is lying to your kids. Telling yourself that telling your kids white lies doesn't count as lying is being dishonest to yourself.

There is nothing you hide from your children??
What if you have no money? Do you tell them you have no money if they ask about your finances? I hope you don't! That would make them feel very insecure.

I'm sure my parents said a white lie or withheld information and I'm thankful for it! Kids don't have to know everything. Allow them to have a childhood.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:15 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

" I wish we could afford to send you to that camp! It would be so much fun! Right now we have other things we need to do with our money."

The facts of life don't make children feel insecure. Knowing their parents might lie to them, makes them feel insecure.

And if you want an extreme example, I can give one too. If a parent lives in a war zone, promising their kid that everything will be okay is not going to work. The child will sense it's not true and that will add to their anxiety. Acknowledging the reality in age appropriate way is what will lend the greatest sense of security. The child will still have anxiety, but less than if they are lied to.
"I know it's super scary when the sirens go off. You know what to do though. We'll go to our safe room and daven that everything will be okay. You can always talk to me about it and I'm always here to listen. If there's something you need to know I will tell you."

amother

Fern

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think I’m one of the posters you’re referring to… to answer your question…

1- the op of that thread said she’s uncomfortable discussing ANY of it and she was also concerned about how much they might repeat. I tried to use that frame of reference when wording my answer.

2- everyone’s obviously different, but I find that giving vague (though never inaccurate) answers helps me figure out what information my kids are ready for. When they’re younger, they accept the vague answer and move on. When they’re older, it’s not enough so they ask more questions and that’s when I answer.

This was especially helpful with my oldest who’s a boy and who I was less sure how much to share with. My second is a girl so she already knows a lot more than he did at this age, but even with her, I’m happy she hasn’t asked yet exactly how babies come out (she knows about her v*gina etc but hasn’t made the connection yet.) Because when I explain it, she’ll definitely be repeating it to her friends and as open minded as their mothers might be, I’m afraid how it’ll come across. “This is private” goes in one ear and out the other.

amother

Hawthorn

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:39 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

Both of those examples are descent.

What if there is abuse going on between husband and wife? If your 8 year old full on asks you how you got a bruise on your face, what are you telling them? "Daddy punched me in the face"

No. Please do not.

I know it's extreme but there's really a time and place to be fully transparent.

To add, I remember my mother once telling me something about not being able to afford something because money was tight and I really became quite anxious about it. I would have appreciated she kept it to herself then be honest with me.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:42 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

If their father is punching their mother in the face, the kids have a lot bigger issues than whether the parents are telling them white lies are not. So I'm not going to think too deeply into this example.

If it's a different example you're curious about, I'm happy to think about it.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:45 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

Confiding in your children for emotional support is almost never appropriate. I am talking about answering questions that kids ask. Kids will ask what they're naturally curious about and an age-appropriate time if they have that type of relationship with their parents.

Again, there's a difference between saying " we're too poor to afford that" and " Right now we want to use our money for other things." Both of these are true, but one is going to be more appropriate for the child.

And they both sound different then, "what you want or need is not important enough for me to spend money on."

amother

Hawthorn

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:46 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

Confiding in your children for emotional support is almost never appropriate. I am talking about answering questions that kids ask. Kids will ask what they're naturally curious about and an age-appropriate time if they have that type of relationship with their parents.

Again, there's a difference between saying " we're too poor to afford that" and " Right now we want to use our money for other things."

And they both sound different then, "what you want or need is not important enough for me to spend money on."

My mother wasn't asking for emotional support. Nor was she dismissing a desire I had. It was appropriate in context with a question I asked, yet I wish she didn't tell me.

amother

Impatiens

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 6:49 pm

Absolutely no idea if I did the right thing but just yesterday my 4 yr old and 6 yr old girls were non stop pressing me for an answer about where the baby comes out from. I used to get away with the doctor helps but it wasn't working. Eventually I said that Hashem makes a special hole for the baby to come out of and when the baby is ready He makes a nes and the hole gets bigger! They wanted to know if it was our belly buttons lol so I clarified that.