Which kid do I take to my brother's wedding?

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 1:52 pm

We live in Israel. My family is in the US. My brother is engaged and getting married in the US.

Tickets are very expensive since the airline choices are pretty limited.

So I'm going alone with one DC. DH will stay home. He works FT a commute away so I will likely send younger kids to close friends.

Also, we are all going to go to the US in the summer if everything is OK. This was planned before DB got engaged and it's still in the plans. No, I can't take everyone to the wedding instead of the summer. It won't work for various reasons.

Ok so these are my kids.

DD10: Cute, bouncy, friendly personality. ADHD (medicated for school), can be spontaneous. Oldest grandchild. Has no cousins her age. Gets along amazingly with DH. Old enough to stay home alone for short periods. Does have school. School seems pretty intense to me.

(I can probably leave her with DH and she can go to friends in the afternoons. Although, I do worry about him getting her out in the morning. But hopefully a nice prize can help her manage this mostly on her own.)

DS7: Shy, more reserved, has HFA and ADHD, pretty manageable on meds. Very, very close to mommy. Addicted to screens which he won't have by my friend Wink

. He has a cousin his age who will be at the wedding. He can be triggered by loud noises like music. He can also be on the chosson side. Hopefully my married brother can help me watch him. He can't stay alone with DH. DH can't always handle him. If you trigger him, things get bad quick. I have one friend who has to ask her husband. She's probably the only one who could handle him and he'd be happy there.

DD5: Cute, friendly personality. Probably the most neurotypical. I diagnose her w/ inattentive ADHD though. She has a cousin her age. She is third child and often gets the raw end of the deal. She has no issues with noise. The last wedding we attended of a close friend, she danced up a storm. She currently doesn't have a valid passport so I'd need to get an emergency passport. Also, she will be harder to travel with because she tires easier than her sibs.

DD3: Cute, friendly personality. I really, really don't want to take her. Will need non-stop entertainment on the plane. Will require a stroller. I took her last year alone and it was very hard for me. It's the physical labor of 2 people without an extra set of hands. She probably won't remember. Hopefully, I have a very nice friend who will take her.

Which kid would you pick?

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 1:54 pm

Some reason DD3 didn't make it onto the poll. But she really is my least fave option. Avoiding using a stroller is gold.

[Added her as an option<3 mod]

Thank you mod!

scintilla

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 1:54 pm

Do you *have* to take anyone?

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:00 pm

scintilla wrote:

Do you *have* to take anyone?

No but my parents would be sad. They are paying.

amother

Mint

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:02 pm

5 year old requires a stroller imho

scintilla

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

No but my parents would be sad. They are paying.

Got it. I'd take either of the older 2 then. Depends on if both of them want to go and if one would be really hurt that you're taking the other. If you think the oldest would have a really good time even though she doesn't have a cousin her age there, I'd take her. I feel like oldest girls often have a certain burden to bear and therefore they appreciate special time just with you like this, so that's another reason to take her, but sounds like either of them would be a good idea.

Who would you rather take?

happy7

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:08 pm

Relying on someone else to take care of your DS7 is a risk.
who is the easiest to travel with?

mha3484

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:09 pm

I would also think about how hard it will be for your 10 year old to make up classwork. I have one kid that could miss two years of school and be fine and another that would really really struggle. For me that would play into my decision making a lot.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:09 pm

I would take oldest (provided you can make arrangements for others.) It's her turn first, and privilege as oldest. Unless you have taken her in the past, on her own.

SuperWify

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:10 pm

DS7 because no one else can handle him and because he needs you the most. It’s not fair to send him to a friend if you DH himself can’t watch him.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:10 pm

I would take the most difficult kid assuming that you would be ok with possibly needing to go out with him etc and possibly “ruining “ your time.
My reasoning is that it would make it most convenient for your husband and you would be able to do this again.

I guess another thing to take into consideration is how often each of you travel yourselves back to the us? Is this a one time thing and another kid can come another time? Does DH have 7 more siblings at home and he will go more often back home etc.

bp1234

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:11 pm

I’d take the oldest. Partly because it’s the easiest to explain why she’s getting picked over the others, and mostly because I think you will have the easiest time with her. Your second sounds like he may put a damper on the simcha if he’s triggered by the music, cousins, etc and he’ll be on the other side which can be problematic for you and for whoever you are putting in charge of him. I think when you travel in for a simcha, you should do what’s best for you to enjoy it fully. It’ll be hard for DH either way, he’ll survive a couple of days regardless, and for you it can be a difference of a beautiful simcha vs a stressful one.

SuperWify

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:13 pm

bp1234 wrote:

Makes sense in theory but her DH can’t handle him alone and he’s be sent to friends which I don’t think is fair either.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:15 pm

Frankly, if you're going to be visiting with the whole family soon, I would suggest going by yourself. It sounds like you have your hands full at home and could use a bit of a break. Plus, going by yourself will give you more time to really spend with your family and catch up with everyone.

I did this a couple of years ago. I flew overseas on my own for a close family yartzheit. I was able to actually sleep on the plane and then spend time with my siblings and siblings in law and nieces and nephews in a way I haven't been able to do in years because I'm usually preoccupied by my own children. I was even able to catch up with a couple of old friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. It was a great trip despite the sad reason and I came home feeling rejuvenated and able to get back into the swing of things with my own children.

amother

Tan

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:15 pm

SuperWify wrote:

DS7 because no one else can handle him and because he needs you the most. It’s not fair to send him to a friend if you DH himself can’t watch him.

But he gets triggered by loud music & OP doesn't have a concrete plan of who will look after him at the wedding.

amother

Tan

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:17 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Makes sense in theory but her DH can’t handle him alone and he’s be sent to friends which I don’t think is fair either.

If the friend doesn't mind & can handle him, then I think that taking the oldest is the best option.

imasinger

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:19 pm

Mazel tov!

Leaning towards DD5, who would probably benefit the most, if you could figure out the stamina and passport issues.

If not, then DS7, who could perhaps do better with you than DH, and also would benefit from some time away from screens. Consider finding a cousin to help, some quiet space if he gets overwhelmed, and maybe some noise cancelling headphones.

Last edited by imasinger on Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:19 pm

My kids all got to know DB. He learned in EY for 2 years and would come pretty often. So that's another factor. This isn't the wedding of someone they don't know. They all love him.

DD10 was davening hard for him to get married. And she was also trying to find ideas for him. Most were ridiculous. She was so worried he wouldn't find anyone since she couldn't think of anyone relevant Wink

mha3484

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:20 pm

If you took your 7 year old can you get someone to help you? Does the city your going to have a yachad or friendship circle or similar org that has a volunteer that would shadow him on the mens side and take him out of the hall when hes over stimulated? If I could find a buddy for him then I would take him because overall I think its the better option.

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 2:22 pm

imasinger wrote:

Mazel tov!

Leaning towards DD5, who would probably benefit thr most, if you could figure out the stamina and passport issues.

If not, then DS7, who could perhaps do better with you than DH, and also would benefit from some time away from screens.

Oddly enough, I was leaning towards DD5 Smile

But then I started to rethink today. She can be annoying. Much more so than the 2 on top of her. I think our personalities clash. Or it's the age. But that's with me. She's great with other people.